Chug-a-chug-a-chug-a...Choo-choo

(way too early in the morning)

"Is it time to go to the dentist yet?"

We got up and around first thing to go to the nearest Dental Depot (one of the only places open on Saturdays). Mr. Right drove Momma and me through the ice. It was still pretty bad that morning, but at least his pick-up truck could get through most of it.

How awful to be checking in for an appointment without a front tooth?

They called me back (finally) and I watched the little train chug-a-lug around the tracks as they filled me up with happy gas. Zzzrrr...they drilled down what was left of my poor little tooth and built me up a brand-spanking new front tooth. Sparkling white (an almost perfect match)...just a temporary filling before determining whether or not I need a root canal...ugh.

I sat up and walked out to meet my support team. He held my hand and walked me to the sidewalk where he pulled his truck around for momma and me. Good as new...almost. I still had puffy cheeks, a fat lip split open, and the beginning signs of black eyes. Other than that...I officially had a tooth.

I was ready for Christmas with his side of the family.

(to borrow from my big sis...) All I Want for Christmas is my One Front Tooth

Goodmorning Christmas day!

Our first Christmas with the fams was wonderful! We scurried over to my Momma and Daddy's just as soon as we could dig ourselves out of the driveway, load up the pups, and make it through the snow drifts. What a mess! There were cars piled in the middle of the lanes just stuck in the snow...I've never seen anything like it.

Once in the neighborhood, the tires spun...we slid around...and landed safely on the opposite side of my parents' street.

We parked.

Merry Christmas!

My three-year old neice, Z, had already opened her gifts from Santa and Mimi & Pawpaw so we asked her first thing what she got for Christmas.
-A bike and helmet with Tinkerbelle
-A pink kitchen
-A pink Kawasaki :D
She was adorably excited.

We gathered around the living room and started to pass out gifts that were piled under the tree. As tradition states, no gift unwrapping starts without a video camera present. Daddy started the tape and we watched Z tear open the rest of her gifts from us. We took turns and can you believe it? My little Laila puppy got her Mommy and Daddy a perfect brownie pan! We were so excited to get home and make some fresh brownies just like mom's.

After the excitement of gifts, we started to make some yummy Christmas lunch. The turkey was almost finished, fresh stuffing was ready to go, and I was making my famous green beans (not to mention the million and one side-dishes that compliment the turkey). Gramma, Pawpaw, and my aunt arrived shortly before lunchtime. We stuffed ourselves to the brim and enjoyed a delicious meal together.

Then...
We played Wii. Yes, WE played WII. My momma thought it would be a great thing for all of us to enjoy together, so she got my daddy a wii for Christmas. It took us a good 45minutes to make a mii for all 9 of us there.

We bowled...

We played baseball...

We rested...

We built a snowman...(isn't he cute?)

Then...

As we packed all of our wonderful things up into a large box, we ventured out to the truck. BAD IDEA. My mister-wonderful (being the concerned man he is) was carrying the majority of the Christmas goods and he told me to be careful and make sure I didn't slip on the ice.

Jenx.

Just about the time I opened my mouth, I slipped on a patch of ice on the concrete. The adorable new leopard-print lamp I was carrying just happened to be the perfect height and composite to send a metal lampbase through my mouth and into my front tooth. Ouch! My tongue hit the back of my tooth and I began to scream, "My toof!"

Mr. Compassionate ran towards me grabbing me from the ground and trying to calm me down. Again, the screaming continued. He held me as he looked into my mouth to see what I was pointing to.

"No...no...my toof! Fine my toof now, whhher ith it?"

He immediately called for my dad to come handle me while he searched in the dark...in the snow...for a very white tooth. Seriously, my Daddy was pulling me away on all fours carrying me into the house. I was hysterical.

My poor neice saw me crying my little eyes out like it was the end of the world. She sat next to me and said, "What happened? I'm sorry someone knocked down your snowman...what happened to your tooth!?"

Yes...that innocent mind thought I was down on the ground throwing a fit because some kids knocked down that good-lookin' snowman of ours. I love her.

To make a long story (an even longer evening without a tooth) shorter...we slept in my parents' living room until we could get to dentist the next day, post-Christmas/blizzard. The last thing I said after telling my prince goodnight was, "WHAT IF IT'S THE WRONG COLOR!?"

...dreaming of a white Christmas...

Blizzard 2009 brought a cozy Christmas Eve for just Joshua and me. We stayed tucked inside where it was warm for the majority of the day. First thing, Joshua surprised me with gorgeous bright-pink roses, and we finished decorating our first Christmas tree together. Since we decided not to get gifts for one another and spend a little more on our family and friends, we ended up writing dates and events that stuck out about 2009 on round ornaments for a special gift we could hold onto for next year:

January 24, 2009 Our first date
February 1, 2009 "Worth the risk"- the night Joshua told me he loved me
July 4, 2009 The 4th of July at Lake Eufaula with the family
Bought a home
...
The list went on until we had successfully written a dozen of our favorite memories with one another from the previous year.


After taking advantage of the chilly weather and resting, we took the puppies out to play in the snow. Bailey LOVED it! She pounced about and tried doing everything within her power to play in the snow. Laila on the other hand...poor thing! She was drenched in a matter of seconds. The below freezing temperature ended up making icicles on her pretty white coat. I ended up drying her off and using her pretty pink parka the next time we had to take her out.

We enjoyed as much peace and quiet in the house until we decided to venture out to the local Wal-mart. (Did we NEED anything at Wal-mart? No.) The neighborhood wasn't too bad...at first. As soon as we hit the first main intersection, the snow started blowing so hard you couldn't even see where we were going. The windshield wipers would clear off the window and the snow would accumulate before it could go back up again. I had never seen anything like it before.

Finally, we made it to the parking lot (which was complete chaos with stuck vehicles and crashes). Surveying our options, we decided that parking was not an option. Joshua dropped me off at the door to get the two things we listed while driving to the store. I picked up a gingerbread kit while I was there to pass some time and stopped at the redbox rental while I was walking back out the door...nothing worth even paying the dollar for.

McDonald's.

I was starving for warm food...

He pulled into the drive-thru...closed.

After hitting our heads in agreement that this roadtrip was not one of the smartest decisions we had made, we drove back to the house. I didn't know if we were going to make it. They weren't kidding when they said "Blizzard". It was nothing but a windy, snow-white, freezing-cold, mess.

Once inside, we decided we were going to stay inside. We took advantage of the frozen foods in the freezer and our fully-functional, yet not-so-lovely, yellow stovetop. We made shrimp pasta with herbs and fresh asparagus tips with a garlic-soy base...ymmm. It wasn't our traditional Christmas dinner, but it was definitely a day to remember.

Bailey, Laila, Joshua, and I curled up on the couch and started to watch the parades on television.

*ring, ring*

It was the neighbor. He had made the same mistake we had and was stuck in the entry of the neighborhood. Well, we did the neighborly thing and (ignoring the smart parts of our brains) we bundled up and reunited ourselves with the seats of the pickup. On our way for the rescue!

This time, it was pitch black outside, and the snow drifts had piled even higher.

We drove for a while...
...dead end.

There were cars covered with snow to their windows, and there was no way we could make it down the street.

We made a U-turn and took a detour route.

Stuck.

Stuck, stuck, stuck.

No snow-shovel.

No 4wheel drive.

Stuck.

Luckily, our other next-door neighbor pulled up behind us (and being the wonderful cop and citizen he is...he dug us out with another man that lived nearby).

No, we were not heroes...we couldn't even get to the stuck vehicle we had set out to help.

However, all of us got home safely thanks to good samaritans of the neighborhood.

That night, we slept peacefully in a cold home with concrete floors and broken walls. The same broken walls that we have put love and sweat into over the past few months. The same floors that carry the sound of 8 little paws across the rooms. The same walls that hold a very blessed couple that are very much in love with one another.

With that being said, I am thankful for the cold stable that housed a man and a woman that were totally wrapped up in love with each other...and their Son. This Christmas Eve, just like that night in Bethlehem, we were right where we were supposed to be...

Together...

Shining the light on what is really important in life.

It's not just traditions and gifts around a Christmas tree. It's what you make of it when the world around you is quiet and dark and you are face-to-face with the reason for living.

Love.

Stoplight

Green means go,
But...
What if you don't?
You hesitate.
Life passes you by.
You watch those around you reach where they wanted to go,
And you are left alone.
The annoying horn blares from the frustration of those around.
What if you make a wrong turn?
Is it left or right?
Which way do you go?
Your journey awaits you...your destination...your destiny.

Before you know it,
You've missed your chance.
Yellow...red...stop.

Yellow means slow,
But...
Why?
You rush through everything.
Hurrying to get where you want to go.
Life is a blur.

Bypassing where you are.
Always looking to get somewhere else,
But you forget what is right here.
Stop it.

Red light.
Stop worrying about the forks in the road.
Take the road less traveled.
Focus on what is above, not up ahead.
Forget about the hustle and bustle.
Stop rushing but keep going.
Never give up.
Focus on the prize.
Don't forget to realize right now.

There is a time and place for everything.
Don't rush through when it's time to stop.
Chaos and crash...
The risk isn't worth taking.
Listen to His will for you life.

Go when He tells you.
Full speed ahead.
Don't hesitate.
Just keep going.
Trust that He will protect you.

Enjoy it.
Slow down when you wish you were somewhere else.
Do not be anxious for what is to come...
Remember today.

Green...
to yellow...
to red.

Hello, Mr. Frost...

Hello, Mr. Frost.
It was so nice to see you. It's been a while since we last ran into each other. February was it? My, oh, my...time has passed so quickly, it's hard for me to even remember. And can you believe Thanksgiving has already passed? I am Thankful to have you back in my life every now and again.

It was such a pleasant surprise to see you. I almost didn't recognize you with the sun shining still. Then I stepped outside, and sure enough...there you were. You are so thoughtful to have left little messages on my windows so I would remember you even in the warmth inside. My cheeks blush everytime you're around, and I cannot help but want to cuddle up by a cozy fire when you're in town.

How lovely of you to show up just in time for the holidays. I love having you around on Christmas. You will join us this year, won't you? Oh, please say yes. We wouldn't have it any other way. It just wouldn't be the same without your special touch on everything. You seem to make the world light up when the sun comes near. You are so pure and truth-be-told, you just glisten.

I understand you have to run. Oh, Mr. Frost, you are always on the go and your visits are so unpredictable. Please come back soon and see us. Let's get together when we go to look at the lights this year. You make the perfect company and we can enjoy a nice hot cocoa. I'll be sure to wear my darling new jacket next time you're around. Don't be a stranger this winter!

Sincerely,
B.

I'll take it...

So I'm sitting in my Family Law class after getting my grade from my last exam back (a 105, thank you very much). Then, my professor tells us to listen to see if our name is on the following list. He names off approximately 8 students. Curiously, I listened until my name was the last one called.

Dr. E. then stated that we were exempt from the final, we made an A in his class, and we were excused for Christmas! One less test to study for AND one 'A' down?
...I'll take it!

An apology of a lifetime...

Have you ever felt the deep betrayal from a person that you have cared about? Have you given all you had to offer, only to feel inadequate and misunderstood? For three years I have lived with the pain of knowing that someone I cared so much about had torn my heart completely apart and never even cared.
I felt more than hurt. I felt humiliation towards mutual friends due to the things that were said about me. I felt anger for the lies he bought into from other people. I felt that burning feeling in the middle of my chest that you get when your heart breaks. I yearned to voice my side of things. I wanted more than anything for him to understand how much he hurt me. I held all my frustration inside and moved on with my life...all the while, wondering how such a warm-hearted person could become so cold-hearted.
Just like I always have, when he chose to walk away from me...I picked myself up and moved forward...fast forward. You never "get over" something that hurts you. You simply learn to deal and cope.
No. You don't understand how easy it becomes to let someone go when they tell you they no longer want you. When someone that you have put every ounce of your energy into...your complete and unconditional love...your loyalty...your confidence...your trust in a future with them...everything, and they walk away you learn to let them.
No. I'm not afraid of being alone. I am, put simply, afraid of staying with someone that doesn't want me. With that said, I have "moved on" in three years. I am head over heels, crazy, madly, deeply in love with someone that returns my every need. For once in my life, I am with a person that wants and strives for a future with me more than I do. For once, I am not totally consumed with the thought of marriage...the thought of someone never leaving me...the thought of someone meaning what they say. With him, I don't question it. True, I have the fear and this heart being betrayed again; however, I know that's a risk I am willing to take this time.
Just when I finally turn all of my fears over to a person...when I confide in my hurts and let go of what has happened before...just when I learn to open up and have that sincere, deeper than deep love...a weight has been lifted.
For three years I have held onto the pain of someone that I cared about before hurting me. Not only that, but he didn't even care enough to fight for me in the end. He not only let me walk away...he let me stay gone. He never talked to me again...until today.
Out-of-the-blue, I received an unexpected letter. His simple words felt sincere as he stated that he wanted to apologize. Yes, my hands were shaky, my eyes filled up with tears, and for once I felt like my prayers had been answered. All of my hurt could be pushed aside. I was at peace in my life. I can open up my heart and realize that sometimes...people really are who you believe them to be.

Film...

Today I had the most amazing experience of developing my first roll(s) of film. How fun! It definitely takes more than I expected, but it was well worth the time. Seriously, you spend close to an hour going through all of these steps just to get the exposures to process. The whole process makes you so anxious. Am I doing it right? What if I forget a step? What if I leave it in too long/short? What if i touch the film!? Boy, oh boy...it was nerve wrecking!

Would you believe it? My film was beautiful! Out of 48 prints, I have AT LEAST 40 GREAT exposures to choose from to enlarge and print. I am so excited! More than that, now I know that my camera is right on target so I can shoot whatever I please. Woo hoo for my next photo shoot.

I work in an amazing office...

...except

It is on the basement level of the building...

...without windows.

So, I stepped away for about a 5 minute break to look outside. It was so nice to see you, my Sunshine.

Dear Life...

Goodmorning New Day,

I love the blue-skies and sunshine you chose to wear today. I, on the other hand, wasn't ready to wake up this morning, and I'm sure you can tell by the lazy-look I put on. You must have changed a thousand times today, because at first glance I thought you where wearing fog with your dewy grass. Let me tell you, I like this look much better on you. Don't get me wrong, you looked beautiful in your grey skies yesterday, and the lightning really topped it off. Actually, I had a wonderful day spending time with you. Sometimes you just need a little change.
I tell you what, you always are a great friend. I love knowing that no matter what, you are always there when I wake up the next morning. I know I don't tell you enough, but thank you for that. I tend to be wrapped up in everything sometimes, and I forget that I just wouldn't be me if it weren't for you being here every day.
It's like you always know exactly how to make me feel better. I have never in my life, met someone like you. Just when I need to be cheered up, you turn on the sunshine. Just when my heart aches and pain strikes, you fire up a bolt of lightning and you cry with me. You offer a whisper of wind when I need advice. You can flip a switch and you are a perfect listener on a calming day.
I mean, take today for example. It was a rough night last night, and you knew I wasn't feeling too great. After tossing and turning and this little ache keeping me up all night, I just wanted to hold on to the night. Six-thirty came too soon. But you, selfless as always, managed to put on your biggest, brightest sunshine just as I was having a weak moment . I loved just listening to you on my way to work. Without saying a word, you can make me feel a million times better.
On top of that, you know that I love it when you sing to me. As soon as I hopped into my car, you turned up singing just what I needed to hear. Your words can always speak to my heart. Just knowing I had the chance to spend a forty-minute drive with you at your best made me happy.
And, whether you meant it or not, you told me I didn't need to wear makeup today. Thank you for that. I will give you the benefit of the doubt and trust your judgment. You know, it is pretty nice not having to worry about anything. I still couldn't shake hiding behind the glasses though, but I'll get there someday. I know, I know...I need to stop worrying about what everyone around me thinks. It's just so difficult with all of these people walking around you all day. I mean, you still look as gorgeous as the day I first met you. You can wear whatever you want, act however you want, and even when people complain...you don't change who you are. Believe me, I don't know how you do it.
Thank you for everything you do for me. It's one of those times, and I need you today. There's no need to repeat everything, but I'm having a hard time with the same-old, same-old. I wish I could do lunch with you today. I'll have to call you after class so you can walk me to my car. I'll talk to you soon.

Love always,
B

Hurt

Hurt, anger, frustration,
I'm overwhelmed with my life.
Let me out of this body.
Take me.
Lord, I'm out of it.
I'm out of the loop...
Out of myself...
Out of everything.
I want out of this life.
Lord, help me.
Help me breathe...
Help me live...
Help me make it out.
I want to run.
Lord, I want to run to you,
Away from hurt...
Away from pain...
Away from people, my enemies...
Away from who I am,
Just away.
Take me Lord.
Take me to your arms.
Lift me up,
Up to the stars...
Up to the sunshine...
Up to you.

I cry, weep, wail
I can't stop.
My throat hurts.
I'm drowning,
Drowning in my own tears.
I can't breathe...
Can't talk...
I just cry.
Lord, I hate so much.
I never hate anything.
I hate the violence around me...
The sin.
I hate the path I'm stuck on.
I hate them hurting me.
I hate me.
Lord, hold me.
Hold my heart...
My life...
My body...
Embrace me.
I don't want to leave your arms.
I want to stay with you.
Let me stay.
Keep me.
Don't make me come down.
I just want to stay.

I wake up,
A dream.
I feel like I'm in a nightmare.
It's real.
Oh Lord, it's real.
I can't wake up.
Wake me up!
Let me go back to you!
Please...
Oh please...
I want to be with you.
I don't want to be here.
I'm barely alive inside,
Barely here.
I'm just walking around.
I'm just a fake heartbeat.
Lord, please.

Hurt, anger, frustration,
I'm overwhelmed with my life.

I am

I am just a little girl, with such an undeserving love.
I wonder if people see Him living in me.
I hear the constant teasing,
I know my Lord will be with me...
...forever.
I want to stand before my "Daddy," and crawl into His lap.
I am just a little girl, with such an undeserving love.

I pretend I'm really strong.
I feel so very weak.
I touch my Savior's precious hand.
I worry what comes next.
I cry when I see all the pain around me.
I am just a little girl, with such an undeserving love.

I understand the love in my comes from only God.
I say that God is love.
I dream of the day I'll be with Him.
I try so hard for others to see the faith I have for Him.
I hope someday they will trust Him too, and put their life in His hands.
I am just a little girl, with such an undeserving love.

Forgiveness

Failing your expectations
Only to have you take me back
Really not deserving you
God, let me stay in your arms
I can't explain my feelings for you
Victim of hurting, I break your heart again
Even though I love you, sometimes I just mess up
Never let me go, let me keep you always
Endless, eternal love for you, my life is in your hands
So look into my eyes and tell me you love me, because I want to:
Say I'm sorry for letting you down

Life, love, and happiness change

Over the years, I have come to realize more than ever that life changes. The plans...goals...hopes for your future may come to an abrupt hault at any given moment. It is in those life altering moments that we find the truth. The truth is...love changes.

Love can take the shape of many things. Love is in the little things that we choose to call our favorites. Love is in the passion we have for our own life and the things that fill it. Love is in the people we call our friends, and it is even in those that we once called our friends. Love is the essence of every good relationship that may or may not turn out the way we hoped for. Love is never giving up on that feeling. Love is that weak-in-the-knees, he makes my heart melt, I can't help but fall head-over-heels, "I never want to let you go" feeling. However, in the end...it is so much more than a feeling. Love is the decision to keep fighting even when they break your heart. Love is the want to go on with your life together because it is better than the one you possess on your own. Love is letting go of your past, who you were, who you loved before, and letting them in. Love, though ever-changing, never fails.

Happiness, however, is conditional. I pray that the happiness that one simple action ignited in my life a long time ago never slips away. The actions that bring happiness may come and go, but the light in my life prevails. I wish happiness on those around me...those that have impacted my life. I wish true, unconditional love for those I love. I pray for the eternal life that sustains all. Let's face it...everything has a season. Today is my season to reflect. I hope the life, love, and happiness that is in my life is evident to you.

Inspiration

So, I can't help that I adore admiring others' creativity. I like to think that I can live vicariously through them. Maybe someday I can live out my own imagination on paper, film, or whatever canvas I can find...

http://janalaurene.blogspot.com

http://www.australiaentertains.com.au/2008/05/18/pink-party-dress-cake/

http://www.cakejournal.com/

http://cupcakeblog.com/

http://cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com/

http://elementsofentertaining.wordpress.com/

http://www.headofthetableblog.com/

http://www.hostessblog.com/

http://www.letsentertain.net/

http://www.marthastewart.com/

http://www.notquitenigella.com/

http://ohjoy.blogs.com/my_weblog/

http://blog.pinkcakebox.com/

http://www.swankytablesblog.com/

http://socialcouture.typepad.com/

http://www.tangarangblog.blogspot.com/

http://www.thecupcakecompany.blogspot.com/

http://chiccookiekits.blogspot.com/

http://thepinkteapot.blogspot.com/

http://totallytabletops.blogspot.com/

"I Had a Bad Dream"

Headaches
Tired eyes
Chapped lips
I had a bad dream

Heart pounds
Back hurts
Shoulders tense
I had a bad dream

Clammy palms
Shaky hands
Cold fingers
I had a bad dream

Stomach pains
Confusion arises
Familiar doubts
I had a bad dream

Take Another Look

Invisible me slips on her pretty dress
Paints on a smile and happiness
Do you see her or the real me
Do the tears in my eyes matter anymore

Those bright eyes you seem to love
Are filled with despair and a cry for hope
I dream to be touched more than skin-deep
Shake me to my core

When have your fingertips traced me
Why don't you remember everything I am
Inside your life in the corners of your mind I'm placed
My value diminishes slowly

If you took another look at me
Maybe then you would see
You don't listen to what I have to say
You don't try to understand

My voice fades into the noices around you
My words are filed into your endless archives of non-memories
Never pulled from their place to be touched
My hurt goes unnoticed again today

Avoid the conflict once more
You think it will go away
Push me down and slam the door
It will be over soon

I wish I could shatter that wall that stands between us
The longer it's up the thicker it becomes
Criticize my feelings and the guilt will kick in
You think maybe I'll stop caring so much

Emotionally distant
I walked away yesterday
Did you feel me pull away at all
Did you realize I wasn't there when you fell asleep

Invisible me drifts away
Told you her feelings deep inside
Do you see me or what could be
Do the tears in my eyes matter anymore

A New Day

Today is a new day
It's the beginning of my future
It's the start of a new me

No more looking "two-steps ahead"
I will follow the lamplight at my feet
Trusting He will guide me when I trust in Him

I woke up and stepped outside knowing it would be different today
No turning back
No questions asked

I have to leave my world behind
It is not my own
My comfort becomes my confusion

As I'm leaving

As I'm leaving
A change comes on my eyes
These streets persuading me
With mumbled strange goodbyes

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone

There's no meaning
In clothes and coffee cups
Cheap hotel furniture
Where silence never stops

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my memories to the wind
And I'm almost gone

And now I'm dreaming
I'm staring at the walls
Cars are frozen nowIn late night waterfalls

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost

Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Wash my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone
-David Gray

The sun shines for me today
It's going to be a new me
A me that is happy

I choose what my life becomes
Yesterday I said my final goodbye to the old me
No wedding bells or bliss

No kiss goodbye
Just how it was supposed to be
I walked away from you yesterday

No more letting him hold me down
I'm picking myself up off the ground
I'm throwing it all away for the final time

Goodbye broken love
Goodbye regret and dispair
Goodbye you

Underneath the mystery of the future is me
Unveil a new bride
Lily white and renew

Twenty-One is Just the Beginning...

I slipped on my little black dress
Perfectly placed mascara
Red-kissed lipstick
Pearls and gold high-heels

I saw him pull up in an unfamiliar car
Pin-striped suit and button-up shirt
"You are stunning," he said
He turned me around and smiled

We walked to the car
"I forgot my wallet," he claimed
We drove to his place
Walked up the stairs
Opened the door

Candles and rose petals adorned the room
Fine china
Full-course meal
Wine chilled
Chocolate-covered strawberries and dessert

A perfectly wrapped gift
Pink bow
Canvas photographs
Two small envelopes

"Nascar" one read
The second was sealed with a ribbon
I began to unfold it

Tickets to a Broadway show
The best seats in the place
We drove downtown
Parked the car and walked in

The ambiance was amazing
Their voices resounding through the room
The set unfolded before our eyes
It was amazing

"One more stop," he stated
We drove again down the road
The valet took the keys
We walked inside

Up the winding staircase
Familiar faces awaited
Family and friends in their places
I took my seat

Appetizers
Conversations
The people I love in my life surrounded me
I talked and laughed and left

We walked down the streets
Stopped by the music
Found our seats nearby a piano
A sweet martini and one slow-dance later took hours

Then
We drove
Back to a place that feels like my own
Friends and late-night talks

The cool breeze brushed my skin
We stepped inside to rest on the sofa
Getting to know each other while the others talked
The night was over

It was time to go in
Thank you for loving me that much
Happy birthday to me
Twenty-one is just the beginning

Today...the Unthinkable happened

Okay, so I guess it really wasn't unthinkable...because I had already thought about it. Today I realized he had moved on. This isn't something new or upsetting in itself. You see, I WANTED him to be happy. I WANTED him to find someone a million times better than what I had been to him. However, it was with the one person that allowed me to feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt.

I remember sitting in his parents' living room floor a year or so ago. We were talking about his life growing up...prom, graduation, basic training. That's when it first started. "We always thought he would marry her."

Wait.

Back up.

Who is her you are asking?

Well, to make a long-story short...she was his best friend growing up. He was also madly in love with her off-and-on for years throughout middle school and high school. He had never had the right timing, and they just never saw eye-to-eye on a relationship.

Okay.

Continue.

So as I was saying...that was when the doubts began. For two years I listened to constant reminders of who she was. She was a Godly, Christian woman. She was highly involved in...well...everything. She constantly looked for ways to put herself out there, and she was just like me.

But...the difference was...she stayed the same.

College brought out a multitude of changes in my life. One heartbreak too many left me standing dazed and confused without direction. I was apathetic about my own life because of the struggles I had encountered. That was when we started dating. He was my rescuer. He pulled me up and held me close. I felt safe and didn't need anyone else in my life.

Okay...so I realize I really DID need others...but it took a while to figure that out.

Anyway, that was how we fell head over heels for one another. In the end, I listened to everything about her constantly. He spent New Year's Eve with her before I came along. They went on church trips together before I came along. They always talked and hung out before I came along. I was constantly compared to her. Do you know how it feels to question yourself daily in a relationship? Do you know what it is like to continually have to ask yourself if he really loves you and not her? Do you know how awful it is to hear him reassure you over and over...and over...and over that he would never date her. To hear that she isn't his type anymore. To hear that she is too dramatic, too different, too...everything...for him.

But

I doubted.

She was the only person I ever doubted him with. No, I trusted him with her. I knew he wouldn't betray me. I knew he loved me. I knew the ring was on my finger and he was marrying me.

But

That wasn't enough in the end. I felt this deep calling in the core of my being that I would never amount to enough. I wasn't her. I tried EVERYTHING to make that relationship work. I invested my heart, my body, my soul, my being, my finances, my future hopes and dreams, and most importantly...my time.

I waited patiently...

...loyally...

...faithfully...

...prayerfully...

...hopefully.

I waited for him to return safely to be the man I had fallen in love with.

But

He was gone, and I was no longer the one he wanted. Somehow I felt like he wanted her. No one believed me. No one understood where I was coming from.

But

He called off the wedding, and I took my heart with me. I managed to pick myself up off the ground and walk away. I lifted my head when the tears subsided and dedicated my heart to remain loyal. I didn't talk negatively about him. I didn't yell at him. I didn't blame him or try to hurt him. I gave him his space and moved on.

No, I don't long to have him back in my heart. I rather not hold onto something that isn't supposed to be. He and I both knew that when we parted. However, I will forever mourn a part of me.

Just like I mourn the little girl that trusted everything to my Momma and Daddy to take care of me.

Just like I mourn the girl that thought scraped knees were the worst of life's hard-learned lessons.

Just like I mourn the teenager that held onto every ounce of innocence for dear life.

Just like I mourn the graduate that walked across the stage with a light in her eyes for her unknown future.

I mourn the young woman that fell in love with a man that she made a promise to.

Today I realized he had always been in love with her...and for a moment my heart hurt. I don't wish to be dependent on my family for all of my life or unaware of the realities of this world. I don't want to take back every experience that has made me who I am or look out as if everything is perfect. I don't want to be married to a man that makes me wonder if I am good enough for them...

I just hurt for the pain that comes from the betrayal felt. The memories flood back. I wanted to think the best of him. I wanted to know that there was never any doubt from him during the duration of that waiting season of my life. It's an awful price to pay when you have to shed your optimism for reality. I allowed him to make the decision to let us go...I respected it, and am blessed. The Lord is faithful to provide when we are at our weakest. He builds you up higher than you were before, and I would never take back what I have gained these past few months. What I felt was a set-back in my life was a set-up in God's will for my life.

It's just hurtful when you realize what you felt was a lie to someone.

And...

The truth is...

...now I know I was right.

I Have Needs and Wants...

This is me. Please do not expect me to change.

Life is more important than money.

Finances worry me. Please protect my fears...save your money and don't complain. Do not spend more than you make. Value what you are blessed to have.

Communication is crucial

Do not disrespect me and put me down.

Value my emotions.

Talk about problems without criticizing who I am.

Do not be defensive in arguments It isn't about you, it is the issue at hand.

We will talk. Do not push me away. Care about me.

Stonewalling your emotions is too close to apathy...the most dangerous feeling to have.

Compromises must be made. It isn't about "winning an argument". It isn't about "giving in". It is about caring enough to work at it.

It takes two...two must talk, care, and do...that means both of us.

I know my mistakes, please do not remind me.

I love to do things for you. I only expect appreciation and love in return.

Be your best self. (Who God made you to be)

Try to understand me.

Show me that you love me.

Tell me you love me.

Treat me better than my father would. Protect my heart, soul, body, and purity.

Know your goals and reach for them.

Control your temper and learn self-control.

Guard your heart and mine.

Be careful what you look at.

Have realistic expectations towards me and who I can be. Appreciate my strengths. Compliment me and mean it.

Remember the little things.

I love flowers, rain, and candles.

Let me take pictures...whenever I can.

There are just some things in life that make it worthwhile...

...like best friends.

I am so, So, SO blessed to have some of the most amazing people in my life that I can call my friends. First and foremost, I think it is beyond obvious that I madly, deeply care about the "Mr." in the majority of my recent blogs (and thoughts). Honestly, he is amazing. Sure...we have our ups and downs...and deeper downs. However, he has somehow managed to lasso this little heart of mine into his life. I cannot believe I have known this handsome guy for over twenty years and had yet to date him. What was I thinking?

Secondly, I just have to say a HUGE 'thank you' to the most amazing couple in the world. The future Worleys are pretty much two of the most sincere people I have met. I would never have made it through all the heartache of the past two years without them.

Miss T. you are my twin, and I adore you.

Enough of the sappiness! I had a WONDERFUL time with these three people today. We rose bright and early to make it out to one of my favorite places of all time...

...Do you know where it was?

...Are you still guessing?

...Give up yet?

THE ZOO! Seriously, who wouldn't love looking at some of the coolest animals on the planet that you would never be able to spot otherwise...like a giraffe! Have you SEEN how TALL they are? Moments like these make life worthwhile.

A Mirror's So Much Harder to Hold

You could stay awhile longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water
Watch the sunset going under

It's not that I'm a stranger to lonely moments
I've had my share of those

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror's so much harder to hold

I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are from my own reflection

You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I got fatal flaws to call my own

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I met a man who's looking for perfection
Said he never met a girl who's good enough
His eyes are getting old, like they'd love to love again
Such a lonely man, such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection
Taking steps towards me these days
So I hold you that much closer
And pray we don't throw this away

It's not that I'm a man who couldn't love you
I know what these arms are for

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
Please don't go, please don't leave me cold

A mirror is so much harder to hold

Don't Walk, Run

Put one foot in front of the other
Slowly walking
A light changes, bringing a sense of urgency
The world stops for no one
Run

Winds can pick up instantly
Sunshine is shadowed with darkness
Just like the thunder...the lightning you loved so much
Just as quickly as you came...you're gone

It was a simple smile from a quiet boy
Your mood always seemed so gray
But deep inside
I saw straight through
My Sunshine you became

We sat and learned in spaces shared
Worlds apart we stood
I was different than you
Outgoing, true
But we were more alike than you knew
Alone

Over the years I gave parts of me
My words...my heart...myself
Losing that innocence I longed for so much
It slipped away with time

But...
There you were
Always in the background
Always by my side
You watched me get trampled on
You watched me get hurt
You watched from a distance until I ran to you

I needed you to depend on
To lean on
To walk to
I longed for all you offered-forever
But I pushed you away and I ran

I ran until the day I let myself care
I reached out to you
Stop
You held me
The warmth surprisingly felt different than the closeness I had known before
You gave me a safe place
But...
I turned around and walked away

One more heartbreak
Another piece of me torn away
He was a stranger to me
Someone I barely knew
And as my world moved forward with him
Stop
I ran to you

The cap was thrown

We looked out to a time of new beginnings

In our first embrace on a special day

But it was then that I walked away to him

You were always a phone call away

I knew I could call you any time of day

I shared my heart, my soul, my pain

You picked me up off of the ground

I found shelter in the palm of your hand

The tears were replaced with laughter

Don't walk, run to me

Our worlds suddenly shifted

We jumped off the cliff

The water was too deep

You were too far to reach...to hear

We were in over our heads

We were angry

The tide was pulling us different ways

You reached for someone close

I clung to him

I thought he brought me my future

We gave ourselves so quickly

You walked away from her

But I was with him

Somehow we managed to find each other

We were different...changed

Moving forward in this fast-paced thing called life

Planning ahead to go our separate ways

All the while-our friendship remained

Slowly, we ran our marathon together

Then one night beneath the stars

The hidden feelings were revealed

We talked and walked along the sand

I opened my heart

You reached out your hand

But instead...I turned

My tears hit the ground

And just as the waves washed them away

My heart ached inside

I had to be loyal
I had to be strong

I simply...walked away

Days apart turned to weeks

Weeks apart became months

Seasons and plans changed

My heart remained on that beach

Under those stars

It was easy to call you

Easy to want you

Easy to run to your arms

A long drive with thoughts racing

My heart pounded out of my chest

I was finally where I needed to be

It was you-just you

But...I wasn't ready

I was scared to give into my wants, my dreams

To have everything I wanted with you

Everything I knew you would be to me

To have you, to have us-finally

My heart was healing

I was grieving

I was trying to move on

I knew it was up to me to say yes

I was the one to tell my heart to move forward

Get on with my life

Stop

He was here

He asked for a change

Why not?
I always had before

Daily he proved I could go on

You-always a thought in my mind-were there

I can't hurt you

I don't deserve you

I don't trust myself with your love

I knew what could be would be perfect

I knew you would forever be true

I knew you were the person I should have been with from day one

The person I should have waited for

But...I was used and thrown away

I regretted who I was every day

I gave into the person standing before me

Someone I could see wanting me

Someone with bumps and bruises from hurts along the way

Someone who wasn't you

I know now that it's harder

It's so much harder without you

They don't know me the way you did

They don't treat me like you did

You were my best friend

The only person I could count on being there for me

The only person that remained loyal

You showed me true love

You showed me how to care for a person...no matter what

Like petals falling

Wilting

The storms of the years are closing in

I'm beaten and used

The rain pushed me down

I wanted to be different

So pure...desired...lily white

I've had the rain

Lord,

Please bring in the Sunshine

Blessed

I am beginning to learn more and more that in the midst of all of our sufferings, life is what we make out of it. I am choosing to put one foot in front of the other and continue to realize the blessings each day brings. I am choosing to let go of the grudges...the false accusations and painful memories...the people that were uncaring and unwilling to seek out the truth.

Blessed are those that mourn their sins.-
I am far from perfect and have made mistake after mistake in my life.

Blessed are the meek.
-Not to be confused with weak...meekness brings gentle understanding to those around them.

Blessed are the merciful.
-The forgiving...the compassionate...those that choose to love and let go.

Blessed are the pure in heart.-My thoughts, feelings, actions have been/continue to be impure. I am a sinner. I have fallen short of God's neverending glory. I will be IN the world not OF the world. I choose to honor the hearts and reputations of those around me...those that have cursed me...those that have hurt me. I will shower God's affection as an expression of love. I shall seek and SEE God. I strive to focus on the fingerprints of the Lord on everything around me. I will choose to be a peace maker...not just a peace lover. I will seek and continue to pursue Christ.

Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness.
-Although we are pushed down when we are kindhearted, we must do what is right. I have been slandered and my reputation...my name has been tainted by the unkind words of others. I will not sit still. I will not stay quiet and hide in the shelter of my own pride. I will not stop nor limit my suffering by failing to do what is right. The faithful will feel pain. Christians suffer. The righteous will be hurt. I will gain everything in continuing to walk with the Lord. God will help me endure the pain and ridicule. The world is at war with God. I will be blessed for holding my tongue. I will not speak negatively about those that have talked negatively about me.

In my flesh I will want to get even. I will want to correct false accusations. I will want to return evil and bring suffering to those that have hurt me. I will want to "clear up" the story. However, the world will see the love of God in my life. Without words, my actions will speak the truth of the past. My heart will be understood by those that care in my life.

I will be thankful for the people in my life that God has used to strengthen me. I will love those around me more than my own selfish desires, and I will put them above myself. I must pursue peace and endure persecution. I will be blessed if I recognize God's love and remain loyal to the truth. The truth that sustains everything else. I will live life abundantly, for I am blessed!

Lately

May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams...the laughter in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you from yesterday

"...just as despair can come to one another only from other human beings, hope, too, can be given to one only by other human beings." -Elie Wiesel.

"We must embrace pain and burn it as fuel for our journey." -Kenji Miyazawa.

"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." -Dag Hammerskjold.

Somehow

Somehow I woke up this morning
And the worries I had managed to hide
The feelings of pain and anger
Were no longer deep inside

I was able to refrain from hitting snooze
I felt a peace inside my heart
I knew I was blessed with the day ahead
God was giving me a fresh start

I walked out the door and into the cold
I drove to meet you
You simply smiled at me
I smiled too

It's been so long since I felt like I could laugh
I thought that meant I didn't care
I was over it all
It didn't matter that he wasn't there

But the truth is this
I care more than you'll understand
I had given my all
I can't just forget all I had planned

I will never be okay with the fact that this happened
It cut into my soul
It took a part of me
I no longer feel whole

I will learn to surrender less to his memory
I will learn to live
I will learn to continue on
I will learn to forgive

Today I was able to look you in the eyes
I didn't feel guilt or fear
I felt happy
I was glad you were here

We talked for hours
We risked the storm
And even though I've been weak and lonely lately
My heart began to feel warmth

Part of me wanted to feel nothing
I wanted to lie so I wouldn't feel the pain
But the truth is I can't
I'm learning to care again

I won't say I've fallen
Because I can't say I have
I just know you mean something to me
I'm not ready to lose that

I hope I can be honest with you
I hope you feel the same
I hope you enjoyed being with me
I hope you're glad you came

I know that even if there is nothing more between us to you
I have to say thank you
I now believe in what is to come up ahead
And I know our dreams will come true

Hurt...

No one can promise they'll never hurt you. The real promise is if the time you had was worth the pain in the end...and true love is.

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran