"Tie Cutter"

One thing I'm learning the older I get is that I value friendships more than I realize and need to be a better friend.  After having a great conversation with a new found friend, it was refreshing to finally put a word to what I have experienced my entire life.  In fact, to borrow on her terminology, I am a tie cutter.  Let me elaborate on that.

Over the years I have focused so much on racing to the finish line of marriage.  Therefore, it was a waste of time to have girl friends when I was working on dating boys (more of this in my book).  Ironically, girls were the culprit of many more heartbreaks and tears as I had built friendships and lost them just as quickly as they started at a young age.  They were my best friends one-on-one, but popularity won their hearts when we were in a crowd.  

I vividly remember sitting in the cafeteria during elementary school while one of my best friends and fellow girl scouts (yes, I was a girl scout) laughed at me and labeled me something that stuck with me my entire life.  She planted the seed of insecurity as she pinpointed a physical flaw and to this day I see it every time I look in the mirror.

On top of the name callers, there were the boyfriend stealers. These girls would listen to me pour out my soul regarding my recent heart throb and somehow would be swinging side-by-side on the playground with them the same week.  This carried into middle school as I found myself weeping in the restroom when my biggest crush was caught dancing with another friend at formal.

Silly?  Yes, I know.  However, it was a HUGE deal when you are 13, wearing braces for the first time, half the size of the other girls, and going through adolescence.  

Then, there were the protectresses.  These loving women were some of the only friends I ever had.  They told me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted.  They were a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong and had my back to protect me from the next storm.  But as I mentioned before, my boycrazy self couldn't see the truth and pushed these girls away thinking they were trying to swoop in to take my latest boy rather than being grateful for their words of kindness.

Once in college, I was thankful to be away from the cattiness that had laced my childhood.  I thought finally I was going to get away from the drama.  Much to my surprise, college wasn't much different.  My first couple of semesters were something I pretty much blocked from my head.  Being blinded by what I thought was actually the real deal, I allowed myself to be entirely consumed in playing house.  Girls didn't fit into my family.

Even as an adult I found myself next to the side choosers.  You know how it happens. You start dating someone, find other couples and friends to hang out with, split ways, and your friends are forced to choose between which "side" they will reside.  Unfortunately, I lost out on a lot of these friendships because I made little to no effort to nourish the relationship with them.

After finally settling down at the finish line of marriage with the love of my life, you would have thought things would have changed.  But, there were still obstacles of being at different stages in life with those around me.  The single friends did the single thing, the new couples were in the their own newlywed phase, the married folks were quickly starting a family, and I slowly lost the common threads that had tied me to each of my friends.

I cut ties.

After years of this uphill climb, I finally gained the perspective I needed.  On the other side of things, it is easy to see that God created us to be relational-something I pride teaching to others yet overlooked in my personal life.  I mean, let's be honest.  I am very selfish with my free time.  After years of living on separate schedules, the time I have with my husband now is incredibly sacred.  I know what I missed out on and value every second of time we get together.  Therefore, to share any amount of time with others is very difficult for me.

Not to mention the friends I once had were there to watch all the ups and downs of heartbreak and there is something liberating about being around someone that doesn't know how incredibly dumb you were at one point in your life.  However, this is something that I have been reflecting on over the past several months.

I am aware of my own selfish behavior from walking away from friends...good friends...because I wasn't the friend that they needed.  I didn't call to check on them, yet wanted them to be there for me when something was going on.  I didn't give of my time because I chose to baby my marriage instead.   Speaking of babies, I wasn't excited for them when they gave me the big news of their upcoming bundle of joy; but rather, I allowed our own fertility struggles to determine my support for them.

Yes, I was a bad friend.

Now this isn't a brand new revelation as I have even apologized for my lack of contact to some of the finest women that God blessed me with.  However, this is the first time that I have no excuses to prevent me from being better.

With that being said, I am working on me.  I can no longer allow things to dictate whether or not I treat someone with loving kindness.  Yes, there are some friends that I know the relationship is past renewing.  And, I ask for forgiveness for any way that I have wronged them in the past.

I love each of the girls that God has graced me with over the years of my life.  There are some that truly stand out beyond the norm of what I experienced, and I value them as incredible women.  Thank you for loving me-flaws and all-and taking the time to be there.

Here's to new friendships, and mending the old.

Snow Day, Shmow Day

In the new life of a homemaker, I'm slowly realizing the beauty of living outside of a schedule.  Although I wouldn't consider myself a morning person, I'm not exactly a night owl either.  In fact, I tend to work best after slightly sleeping in and drain myself along with the sunshine.  Speaking of sunshine, there isn't much to be found here in Oklahoma right now as we are enjoying the snowflakes in the sky and the white on the ground.

But, somewhere between the hours of 8 o'clock in the morning and 5 o'clock in the evening, I have managed to be incredibly productive in my own home.  In fact, as I mentioned before-I have done more cleaning, organizing, and cooking in the last week than I can remember.

With the bills paid and filed away, I found myself sitting down and putting pen to the paper for our ever-changing budget.  Although I had crunched the numbers a time or two before putting in my resignation, there was a certain anxiety that had overwhelmed me by not having the experience before.

How much would our meals really be if we ate in rather than out?  How much would all of those groceries cost to replace that habit?  

Can I really stay at home all day and not be bored out of my mind? If not, how do we cut back on gas money so I can still get out during the day?  Not to mention, I may need to be trapped inside to avoid getting sick or hurt until we get medical insurance for me.  

Wait, how much is that going to cost?

Despite not having exact answers for all of our questions, we knew we were being obedient to follow the blessing God had provided and took a step of faith.

Now, let me be honest.  I know there is more to staying at home than I have experienced.  And, if truth-be-told, I would admit that it feels more like a vacation at this point than a permanent move.  It feels like a snow day.  I don't know how long it will take for reality to hit, but I'm just waiting for the day I realize I don't have to go back to work.

However, while I have enjoyed my first week at home I have made observations during this reflective time.  It's exciting to rediscover the real me.

First of all, I love cooking.  I love everything about being in the kitchen (aside from sharp knives and mandolins) and cannot wait to try something new and experience the joy of success.  BUT, I am not always a good cook.  In fact, I am guilty of scraping off burnt marks on some of my meat and making a meal that is much prettier than it is tasty.  Although, it isn't always pretty either.

In fact, I am a very messy cook.  My husband can testify that I have reasoned over this for the past five years. Why waste time cooking to stop and clean, when you can finish what you started and clean while it cooks?  However, I am trying very hard to be better at this and keep the kitchen clean so I don't have to mop the floors after every meal.  I must say, somehow I have managed to get all the dishes done after each meal and keep the kitchen looking tidy.  And, a certain sense of accomplishment comes with that.

But, if I continue in this direction, we will be 500 pounds when all is said and done.  Born in raised in the Heartland, I love southern cooking.  Taking after my sweet Gramma, I have made some of the most delicious comfort food and am pretty proud of it (most of the time).  Then again, my sweet hubby has the genes of perfection and can eat whatever he wants and still have a six pack.  I, on the other hand, am not quite as blessed.  Therefore, it is my goal to work at creating yummy dishes that are also healthy.

Don't come a knocking, because I won't be ready.  It is very easy to lose track of time.  Without a strict schedule to follow, you tend to get caught up in everything and still be in your jammies long after noon.  Okay, so I generalized that statement because I'm hoping that I'm not the only one that hasn't showered all morning.  With a type A personality, it is a little liberating to free myself of the cares of the world and focus on my little family.

Ambition gets you only as far as actions.  I find myself thinking most of all as I lay in bed at night.  The hamster wheel turns and somehow I can come up with a million things that need to be done.  This creates a sense of urgency within me and I find it incredibly difficult to sleep.  Unfortunately, the lamp oil runs out and all of those thoughts disappear when morning comes.  Despite my best efforts, I am realizing that all of those intentions only get you to where you choose to act.  And, this may be one of those growth areas that I will have to work on.

With so few people to talk to, and focusing on all of these exciting things to come in the future, I am having to ask God to remind me to be content with where I am.  I wake up in a prayer and find myself relying so heavily on my faith to get me through some days. It's not that I don't fully enjoy where I am, because I really am loving our new life.  It is simply the fact that I see the potential rather than focusing on the present.  I have always been a dreamer, and this is such a humbling experience to appreciate the little things as well.  I am incredibly reminiscent of what it took to get me here and value soaking in each day so it, too, can be part of my journey.

There are so many things that I could ramble on (and on) about right now.  I have discovered fulfillment in something as small as making my bed each day.  I could probably write an entire entry just on how that has changed me.  One of the biggest challenges I am facing right now is how to achieve everything that is placed in my heart.  I am finding more than anything that God has filled me with so many desires to accomplish in my lifetime.  I cannot thank Him enough for entrusting me with the passions that I have and the time to pursue them.  I pray that I can live in such a way that turns the loves of my life into my lifestyle, the growths into challenges to defeat, and the ambitions into reality.

Here is to creating my tomorrow.

Practicing Patience

The past couple of weeks have been anything but simple.  As an outgoing individual, it has taken some adjusting to get used to the quiet that lives in my home.  I have cleaned more in the past few weeks than I have in our entire marriage.  With that being said, you would think the laundry would be complete and the house would be spotless.  However, there is an amazing thing that happens when you actually live your life.  Clothes are re-worn, dirt is tracked back in, and dishes dirty themselves up. Therefore, my house is slowly becoming a home.

As much as I don't know what to do with myself as a housewife, I am pretty sure my puppies are equally as confused.  With mom home all day, they think it is never-ending play time.  Therefore, they reached the point of exhaustion and acting out just like little ones.  As I let them in from their morning run out back, I notice the littlest one gnawing on something that was definitely less than edible and came out of another one of the dogs.

I squealed in frustration as I wrestled her into the kennel to give her a good talking to-at least that was the plan.

However, Elloise (the biggest of the three) decided mom raising her voice even the slightest meant she must have been the one to blame and ran full speed into her "house".  Graeme followed behind and I requested him to heel.

He walked out and then back in.

"No, Graeme.  Out!"

He wiggled his way out as I tried to talk Ella out of the kennel. She continued to sit pretty with her tongue hanging out of her mouth and I reached in to give her a little tug as I continued to coax her out of the kennel...

...nothing.

Then, I gently pulled her front arms and plead for her to move.

She wasn't having it and she let out a whine.

Therefore, I climbed into the kennel, crawled behind her, and pushed her from behind until she escaped from the wire cage.

Thinking on my toes, I hurrily locked the door as I rounded up Laila for her timeout speech.

She wimpered and whined as I told her that was a "no, no" in my best low voice.

Then, I scooped her into my arms and took her into the bathroom where I somewhat managed to brush her teeth.  Yuck!

As the day went on, Elloise chewed on the corner of my wooden trunk (again) and had to go into her house as well.  I'm pretty sure her love of anything consisting of wood constitutes the diagnosis of pica as she has devoured bundles of firewood and claw feet off of chairs-just to name a couple.

Not to mention, the once squeaky clean floors looked as if I hadn't touched them in days with the muddy paw prints coming in from the backdoor.  And, we caught my sweet boy Graeme red-handed with the plastic sensors for my vacuum in between his little paws sitting on the couch.

Although my patience is wearing a little thin, I can honestly say that I couldn't let it get the best of me.   This is a learning experience for all of us, and I'm sure that my future little ones will act out just the same some day.  Therefore, I am praying through my days to be a good dog-momma as God prepares our home for the greatest reward of children.  Until then, thank you Lord for the opportunity to practice my patience and grow better in You.

Unconditional

Have you ever stopped and taken a moment to truly reflect on the meaning of that word?

Unconditional.

Last week at our LifeGroup, we continued Andy Stanley's, "Staying in Love" bible study.  I don't know that this word was ever really spoken when we listened to Andy's perspective on achieving a God-filled love with our spouses.  However, as he elaborated on verbing our spouses by using actions to love them, this word found its way into my mind.

Building on what we had previously learned, we discussed the importance of mutual submission in our marriages.  Putting yourself below your partner out of pure love for them increases their value in your life and allows you to humble yourself before them.

In preparation for this week's lesson, we had printed cards with the upcoming scripture to meditate on.

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit.  Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the other.

In your relationships with one another, have the same attitude of mind Christ Jesus had:"

Wow, can I just stop right there and think about how poor of a wife I have been?  It is so easy to expect something out of your husband and keep score in order to have your needs and wants met.  We live in such a "me" mentality, where society tells us that we deserve something.  We deserve to be happy.  We deserve a marriage that fulfills every need we have.  We deserve flowers and chocolates, candy and cards-on a daily basis.  We deserve the biggest house in the neighborhood, the nicest vehicles, and our Louis Vuitton purses.  We deserve to keep up with the Joneses and (heaven forbid) someone has something better/nicer than you-you deserve it, too.

Don't get me wrong, it would be incredibly nice to have all of those things.  And, at some point or another I have probably been guilty of feeling entitled to have them too.  But, to hear these words as a commandment in regards to how I can better love my husband?  I have fallen so short of loving him above myself (without expectations) as Christ loved me.

As if that doesn't hit home for you, we continued to discuss this excerpt by reflecting on what exactly Christ did for us.

"Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage..."

Wouldn't you feel like being the King of Kings, Lord of Lords is deserving of a little special treatment.  I mean, maybe a free stay at the local inn on a cold night wouldn't be too much to ask.  Better yet, having the nicest hospital room with additional staff on hand to make your grand entrance into the world.

"...rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a human being, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death-even death on a cross."

I could go on-and-on about all of the things this scripture says to me.  Instead, I will pray that God speaks to you in a a way that you need right now.  I will, however, get to my point and share how that one word was placed so heavily on my heart.

Jesus did not expect anything in return for his servanthood to us.

Jesus, the son of God expected nothing in return for giving up his rights to walk among the least of us and serve.

He expected nothing.  Yet, He truly was deserving of the best.  He could have had the world, possessions and all.

He loved us, knowing that we would betray Him.

He loved us more than anyone ever could: saving us from the stones, protecting us from hunger, gracing us with mercy and did it out of pure/unconditional love.

Today, I pray that I can be more like Christ.  I want to love with a servant's heart in a way that I humble myself to become lesser than those around me.  I pray that in my humility, others will see God and give glory to Him...not me.  I pray that I will love my husband as Jesus loved me.  To give and give, until I have nothing left but to give my life in respect for God placing Him as the leader of our house.  I pray that I expect nothing out of my actions, but am made whole in the obedience I have for the Lord.  I pray that I can truly love in a way that forgets all things I may feel I am entitled to, but remembers that I am undeserving of the perfect love Christ showered on me.  I pray that I am the essence of that one word:

Unconditional.