God

There are several things that I have grown inevitably closer to as time goes on. First, and foremost, is my personal relationship with God. He has taught me true dependency. Without Him, I don't exist.

You see, it is somewhat difficult to continually look at the purpose behind the heartache. In my heart, I know that God has a plan and His timing is infinitely better than my own. In my head, however, I question the storm I am prisoner of-the strong winds that blow, the clouds that block the sunshine, and the rain that pounds in my soul. I am surrounded by happy families that sweep me up in a whirlwind, the financial and emotional barriers to getting our little girl home and the neverending rut of unexpected bills, and the tears that well up inside at the lack of understanding from those around me.  I often feel trapped like the car on the side of the road-stuck until the rain lessens and provides clarity of the path to get home.

Sometimes the most meaningful conversations come out of the moments when you can't seem to lift your head off the ground. Your face is pressed tightly against the floor as you pray for the tunnel to pass and hold on with every ounce of your being until the sirens fade. You pray for your life and you learn very suddently to depend on God.

In the past I found myself constantly searching for the approval from others, never stopping to see the beauty within that He created me to be. I pray for my actions to reflect what He designed my life to be. I yearned for acceptance and would bend to meet others where they were. I compromised.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

...and birthdays!

The Friday before my birthday I had the opportunity to go over to my grandparents' house after getting off of work early. This is one of my favorite days of the week that I get the honor of spending with two of the sweetest, most inspirational people in the world.

A few weeks ago, my sweet Gramma fixed me a wilted salad for lunch. I didn't know what I was missing until then! Leaf lettuce, radishes, green onions, bacon crumbles...what isn't to love? And, after sharing how yummy the experience was, she decided to make it again.

With Spring in the air, we decided it was garage sale weather and sweet hubby took off to lay out a few items in the driveway. Therefore, he too had the pleasure of a Friday afternoon with the grandparents.

After enjoying our delicious salad and cornbread, we headed to the house and spent the afternoon in the front yard. The sun was warm, but the wind was chilly. Getting a late start, not very many people came to our humble abode to purchase their long-lost treasures. We decided to call it a night and try again in the morning when the crowd was there.

That evening we decided to enjoy dinner with the fam at our favorite taco truck. We stuffed our stomachs full of delicious coffee-rubbed steak meat before topping it off with a cup of jo at our new BJ's.

We turned into the parking lot to enjoy Pizookies and ice cream just as the storm came in. We ran through the rain and stayed long enough to shut the place down. Knowing we had to get up early for our garage sale, we called it a night and headed home.

Apparently the storm we felt was just the icing on the cake for the main event in our neighborhood. Tree limbs were down, leaves were everywhere, and piles of hail stood inches thick at our house.

The next morning, my sweet hubby woke me up early to get a head start on our sale.  He decided it would be best to start the day off with a yummy donut from our local shop. We drove down the street into town and picked up a couple paper bags with sweet bakery treats. As we headed back onto the interstate, Mr. I'mgoodattwistingthetruth "missed" the turn to get back to our house. I calmly pointed it out as he stated we had no where to be and would take the long way home. Which I believed until...

...we started driving to Midwest City.

At this point, I noticed hubby looking at his phone and picking up an envelope with scribbles all over it. I asked where we were going and if he needed help. Of course he declined and headed off the highway onto a dirt road. "Stanley Draper Lake" the sign read.

"I think I went the wrong way," he stated.

Again, I offered to help after letting him know we might need to find a nearby ladies' room when he found out where he was.

We rounded the corner as he rolled down the window where a car was coming in the opposite direction. Thinking he was asking for directions, I was shocked to see my parents in the car beside us.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned.

"Looking for you," they continued as my husband mentioned we needed to find a restroom facility.

We drove to the marina to take a potty break where I learned my husband had been planning an adventure for the entire family to celebrate my birthday. I have always wanted to go horseback riding, and although I had been on a sluggish trail years ago, I yearned to open the reigns and gallop in the country.

Much to my surprise, he had planned for the two of us to spend two full hours on the happy trails with my parents, sister and future brother-in-law, and six year old niece.

Yipppee!!

Surgery- Part Deux

It has been a little over a year since my last surgery. For the last decade, I have struggled with personal health problems. It seems like a never-ending battle of pokes and prods, tests and results, diagnosis and treatments, and ongoing symptoms.

October of 2011 brought, yet another, ache and pain. After going to my regular doctor, I was lead to believe (once again) that medication was the only solution to my problems. I was anything but satisfied with this answer and chose to ask around for some leads as to where else I could turn.

This time I took the not so subtle hint my body was giving me and transferred to a different physician to see if they could find anything the other millions of doctors hadn't. My doctor was very persistent and hopeful that she could help me. With one round of testing, I officially had "something" that might serve as an answer. In fact, by the beginning of January I was in an awful hospital gown counting down as the surgeon began to remove the mass they had found.

The surgery went smoothly, but my body had a difficult time waking up after the anesthesia. In fact, after making it home I was back in the doctor's office taking care of minor complications that couldn't have been predicted. I thank the good Lord that the issues unraveled the way they did as He continued to provide for me and take care of my body-even under the doctor's own mistakes and allow us the finances to pay off the measly $4300+ it cost us.

The last year I have lived hopeful that all was solved and I was going to finally live the life I had dreamt of.

Pain? What's that? 

Nagging symptoms? Non-existent.

A new job, wrapping up my final studies to obtain my certification, trainings and new opportunities-the year was filled with blessings.

However, January 2013 brought another unexpected turn. The symptoms I thought were in the past were sneaking back into my life. In denial, I waited until March before finally going to the doctor. This time, the physician that  was previously hopeful and wouldn't give up on me had decided there was nothing more she could do.

After speaking with those around me, I finally went to a well renowned specialist in the metro. The PA was amazing and spoke to both my husband and me about the hope that lies ahead. Shining light on that which could be positive, she immediately got me in for testing. Three trips for blood work and one diagnostic center later, I had some clarity. The tests had shown that my body wasn't producing what it should be and may need a little help to do so. On the other hand, there were two more masses where the one had been a year prior. They wanted to schedule surgery as soon as possible to take care of them and another procedure to help one of my organs work properly.

So, here I am. It is three days before my birthday...just a few weeks from our anniversary. A few weeks ago I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my sweet hubby and now I'm planning on putting a down payment on another surgery.

How much will it be this time? I can't help but ask as I watch our savings dwindle even more and the wish of being a mom slip farther away. It's frustrating to think that each time we seem to get one step ahead, we fall two more behind. A penny saved becomes a nickel spent. I often ask God why the journey to our baby girl is such a long one. When others around me spend nine months in preparation for their little one, we spend years. When they are sent a bill when they leave the hospital with their baby in their arms, we must have $30K up front. When others start piggy banks and set up savings accounts, we are breaking into ours and setting up payment plans.

Just as before, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of support God has graced us with:
Physicians to lead us and be used as instruments for God's healing power,
Friends and family to pray for us and lay their hands on our aching hearts,
A Lord that loves us unconditionally and doesn't mind the questioning when we don't understand, and the God of the universe that holds time in His hands and knows all the answers we long to know.

I know in the end, you are so worth it baby Bailey. The struggles and heart aches that we experience now will shape us for tomorrow. Amidst all the pain and frustrations, I am so very blessed with that which I do have-a roof over my head, a full belly, and a family full of love. Your daddy loves me so much and puts up with quite an awful lot of things from me. He listens to my vents and stands beside me to help push me along when I don't always want to do what needs to be done. He is there. Period. He never leaves when things get hard. He teaches me patience and doesn't mind the wait. It makes me realize that I am blessed with the time to wait.

Little one, you are so blessed to have the family I see standing beside me over the years.  I cannot wait for you to meet them; but, until we can hold you in our arms we hold you in our hearts and prayers. You are so very loved, and even though your mommy is a little scared about these surgeries, I know it is the right thing to do to get me closer to you. 

Day 669

Satan soon found a way to rear his ugly head in our hopes.

Come January, I began to get sick again and things went downhill. For months I went through the same cycle I knew too well. My heart broke as I knew there was nothing I could do on my own to fix me. I began to pray for God to lead me to the physicians that would provide clarity. Then, in March of this year, I was led to a specialist. They poked and prodded, drew blood and measured hormones, sent me to different facilities until they ultimately led me to this day.

April 5th I sat uncomfortable, alone, in a dark room as they examined the possibilities. I thought I was fine, but my body remembered the pain of my past as it shook in fear. It couldn't end fast enough as I was told to get dressed and they would come and get me and my husband momentarily. "I found something," he said.

Not one, but two places were back this time. Not to mention potential damage to one side that could result in removing the tube. "If you were to get pregnant right now, the baby wouldn't survive."

I remember walking out in a daze from that building. My family surrounded me, yet I felt so very alone. No one could understand at that very moment the hurt that overcame me-not even my husband.  "We just need to make sure that you're taken care of," he said.

I felt helpless and angry. Emotions consumed me as I continued to mourn the loss of my dreams.

"Why, God? When all I have ever wanted was to be a wife...to be a mom?"