Leaving the doctor's office, I immediately made it home to throw in a load of laundry, clean the kitchen, pay the bills, run errands, and go grocery shopping. In fact, with no doctor's visits on the books, I began to pile my schedule up with errands and busyness to fill up my time.
In the following weeks, I went through our "master bedroom" which had become a construction zone/catch-all. We had dinner with our good friends, the MCs. We had movie dates with my family, worked on the house, and poured ourselves into our jobs. I turned my attention to my friends and made cobblers for birthdays and planned my best friend's baby shower.
On November 14th, I said "goodbye" to an old friend from elementary school as we laid him to rest following an unexpected suicide. As I sat at his funeral, I couldn't swallow the giant lump in my throat. I would be lying if I didn't admit that I knew what it felt like to want out of the despair.
The holidays were bittersweet; however, I don't think either one of us had time to slow down and think. Therefore, we spent as much time as we could with our families and I tried to repair the lost hope I once had.
Friday, November 21, 2014
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
The Next Step
Following the cancellation of our IVF treatment, there was a glimmer of hope that we would continue again and have a little one on the way by Christmas. I would tell myself, "it isn't before Thanksgiving, but maybe by Christmas."
There is something about the holidays that never fail to remind me of the longing for a child. Maybe it is the fond memories I had as a kiddo that made me want to enjoy them with my own. Maybe it is the idea of "thankfulness" that reminds you of one more year without that blessing. Maybe it is being around the other littles of your friends and family, watching their excitement surrounding each event, that brings out that nagging feeling of pain.
As we walked into our first follow-up visit, there was a part of me that felt this overwhelming idea that my body wasn't ready. The remnants of bruises from our last go-around had yet to heal, and I continued to feel weak.
Once in the exam room, I waited for the doctor-anticipating the worst.
The doctor went through the routine before the dreaded words came, "from what I see here, your body just hasn't quite gone back to normal. I'm still seeing symptoms from the hyperstim and at this rate, I just don't foresee there being any option to start again before the end of the year."
Disappointment.
A feeling I had come to know all too well, yet never getting any easier. The rush of emotions flooded into my chest as it began to burn. I could tell the tears were coming on, and I blinked to try to stop them.
I couldn't.
My eyes welled up with tears as my doctor asked how I was feeling. The words wouldn't come as I looked at my clenched hands in my lap and bit my lip.
"Disappointed?" he asked.
The air in the room was thick as I peered over at my husband. Joshua and I nodded in agreement as I looked straight into the eyes of the man I continued to let down.
After much discussion over our options, we left with heavy hearts as we prepared for the holidays.
There is something about the holidays that never fail to remind me of the longing for a child. Maybe it is the fond memories I had as a kiddo that made me want to enjoy them with my own. Maybe it is the idea of "thankfulness" that reminds you of one more year without that blessing. Maybe it is being around the other littles of your friends and family, watching their excitement surrounding each event, that brings out that nagging feeling of pain.
As we walked into our first follow-up visit, there was a part of me that felt this overwhelming idea that my body wasn't ready. The remnants of bruises from our last go-around had yet to heal, and I continued to feel weak.
Once in the exam room, I waited for the doctor-anticipating the worst.
The doctor went through the routine before the dreaded words came, "from what I see here, your body just hasn't quite gone back to normal. I'm still seeing symptoms from the hyperstim and at this rate, I just don't foresee there being any option to start again before the end of the year."
Disappointment.
A feeling I had come to know all too well, yet never getting any easier. The rush of emotions flooded into my chest as it began to burn. I could tell the tears were coming on, and I blinked to try to stop them.
I couldn't.
My eyes welled up with tears as my doctor asked how I was feeling. The words wouldn't come as I looked at my clenched hands in my lap and bit my lip.
"Disappointed?" he asked.
The air in the room was thick as I peered over at my husband. Joshua and I nodded in agreement as I looked straight into the eyes of the man I continued to let down.
After much discussion over our options, we left with heavy hearts as we prepared for the holidays.
Saturday, October 18, 2014
CX
Saturday, October 18, 2014
8:00am
Joshua and I woke up groggy as we prepared for another drive to the doctor.
I was so weary.
My body feared the needles after seven rounds of blood work in the past week and a half and a week's worth of self-injections. I was thankful to have gone one night without two more shots. My left arm still had the baseball size bruise that was tender to the touch. My right arm had the six remaining marks where the nurses had exhausted my veins.
I rushed to take a shower and quickly got dressed.
My stomach felt like it had balloons placed inside that someone continued to air up. My body was weak and jello-like, and I could see the weight gain that made it difficult to button up my jeans. The tiny spots were visible where the shots had been strategically placed over the past eight days. Ironically, the nausea made it difficult to think of eating or drinking the water bottle that was necessary to get me through the next needle.
We drove in near silence as I braced myself for the upcoming appointment. My leg ached and I worried what it meant.
When we arrived to the doctor, I was anxious to get my questions answered. Yet, something inside of me was uneasy about what was to come.
I made it through another vial as my arm tinged with pain. The nurse left the room so I could undress and my legs began to shake. Despite years of tests, procedures, and exams my body never gets used to that feeling of exposure.
The P.A. returned and carefully went through the routine. She took notes over all the changes that had occurred and mentioned there was little development in my follicles--all 50+ of them.
"10. 10.5. 10.5. 10. 9.5...."
"But they're growing, right? That's still good news."
She didn't respond other than saying, "Let me get through the measurements and then we might talk."
I watched the ultrasound screen and listened as she continued to talk to the the nurse.
What happened next seemed to go in slow motion. I remember leaning back and holding my arms as my body began to shake. She mentioned that I wasn't where I needed to be and that my estrogen levels were way too high. "For where your follicles are at, we should be at 500. Maybe. You were over 1600 yesterday."
My eyes welled up with tears and I apologized for the uncontrollable emotions.
"I'm not saying it's definite. But, I just want to plant the seed that they might end up cancelling."
I nodded slowly as she continued to talk. However, all I could hear was the booming of my heartbeat as disappointment overwhelmed me.
Joshua stood in front of me as they left the room. I couldn't manage to lift my head off his chest as the tears streamed down my face. He tried to console me and told me this was for the best. He shared his concern for my well-being and making sure we took care of me. He said to be positive and "she didn't say they would have to cancel". It wasn't over.
As I figuratively picked myself up off the floor, I wiped the tears and got dressed. I mustered up a half-smile for the front staff as I put one foot in front of the other.
Once in the car, Joshua drove me to breakfast.
My stomach growled, but I couldn't seem to make myself eat other than two small bananas foster crepes I had been craving from the night before.
Back at home, I sulked as I waited for the phone call.
10:17am
-My estrogen level continued to climb and had reached 3,390.
At this rate my levels would be over 20,000 when egg retrieval is scheduled.
-I had over 50 follicles where the average person has 15-20.
-I had fluid on my left ovary that caused concern and they placed me on a high-salt diet.
-I had rapid weight gain and severe pain that indicates I had developed OHSS,
Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.
-They cancelled our treatment cycle.
I thanked her quickly as I tried to escape the phone call before the emotions came.
Then I filled up the bath tub, and I sobbed.
I sobbed because of the overwhelming disappointment of being so close.
I sobbed because of the incredible emptiness of knowing we were left empty-hearted.
I sobbed because of the guilt of knowing that I had let down my husband.
I sobbed because of the great despair of not seeing an end in sight.
I sobbed because of the fear of where the money would come from again.
I sobbed because I was tired, so tired.
8:00am
Joshua and I woke up groggy as we prepared for another drive to the doctor.
I was so weary.
My body feared the needles after seven rounds of blood work in the past week and a half and a week's worth of self-injections. I was thankful to have gone one night without two more shots. My left arm still had the baseball size bruise that was tender to the touch. My right arm had the six remaining marks where the nurses had exhausted my veins.
I rushed to take a shower and quickly got dressed.
My stomach felt like it had balloons placed inside that someone continued to air up. My body was weak and jello-like, and I could see the weight gain that made it difficult to button up my jeans. The tiny spots were visible where the shots had been strategically placed over the past eight days. Ironically, the nausea made it difficult to think of eating or drinking the water bottle that was necessary to get me through the next needle.
We drove in near silence as I braced myself for the upcoming appointment. My leg ached and I worried what it meant.
When we arrived to the doctor, I was anxious to get my questions answered. Yet, something inside of me was uneasy about what was to come.
I made it through another vial as my arm tinged with pain. The nurse left the room so I could undress and my legs began to shake. Despite years of tests, procedures, and exams my body never gets used to that feeling of exposure.
The P.A. returned and carefully went through the routine. She took notes over all the changes that had occurred and mentioned there was little development in my follicles--all 50+ of them.
"10. 10.5. 10.5. 10. 9.5...."
"But they're growing, right? That's still good news."
She didn't respond other than saying, "Let me get through the measurements and then we might talk."
I watched the ultrasound screen and listened as she continued to talk to the the nurse.
What happened next seemed to go in slow motion. I remember leaning back and holding my arms as my body began to shake. She mentioned that I wasn't where I needed to be and that my estrogen levels were way too high. "For where your follicles are at, we should be at 500. Maybe. You were over 1600 yesterday."
My eyes welled up with tears and I apologized for the uncontrollable emotions.
"I'm not saying it's definite. But, I just want to plant the seed that they might end up cancelling."
I nodded slowly as she continued to talk. However, all I could hear was the booming of my heartbeat as disappointment overwhelmed me.
Joshua stood in front of me as they left the room. I couldn't manage to lift my head off his chest as the tears streamed down my face. He tried to console me and told me this was for the best. He shared his concern for my well-being and making sure we took care of me. He said to be positive and "she didn't say they would have to cancel". It wasn't over.
As I figuratively picked myself up off the floor, I wiped the tears and got dressed. I mustered up a half-smile for the front staff as I put one foot in front of the other.
Once in the car, Joshua drove me to breakfast.
My stomach growled, but I couldn't seem to make myself eat other than two small bananas foster crepes I had been craving from the night before.
Back at home, I sulked as I waited for the phone call.
10:17am
-My estrogen level continued to climb and had reached 3,390.
At this rate my levels would be over 20,000 when egg retrieval is scheduled.
-I had over 50 follicles where the average person has 15-20.
-I had fluid on my left ovary that caused concern and they placed me on a high-salt diet.
-I had rapid weight gain and severe pain that indicates I had developed OHSS,
Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome.
-They cancelled our treatment cycle.
I thanked her quickly as I tried to escape the phone call before the emotions came.
Then I filled up the bath tub, and I sobbed.
I sobbed because of the overwhelming disappointment of being so close.
I sobbed because of the incredible emptiness of knowing we were left empty-hearted.
I sobbed because of the guilt of knowing that I had let down my husband.
I sobbed because of the great despair of not seeing an end in sight.
I sobbed because of the fear of where the money would come from again.
I sobbed because I was tired, so tired.
Saturday, October 11, 2014
One Day at a Time
October 11, 2014 marked the start of our injections.
Despite giving me a hard time about not being able to hurt me, as soon as our first alarm went off for our medication, Joshua stepped in. He got all of my medicine lined up along the bathroom counter as he grabbed an ice pack and asked me to lay down. I let the side of my stomach become numb for a minute before he walked into the bedroom, syringe in hand. He asked where I wanted it and I closed my eyes as he pinched me carefully and injected our first dose.
We did it.
One day down.
Day two proved to be a little more difficult. We switched sides and it burned going in. But, we were one more day in.
Day three. We had bloodwork taken this morning at the clinic and I'm not feeling well. (I had to force the smile as I was trying not to cry on this one).
Day four. At this point I am feeling bad. Really bad. My stomach is hurting, I am not getting any sleep. My stomach feels like I drank a gallon of water and it is hard to button my jeans! All color has left my skin (except for the giant bruises all over my arms from bloodwork).
Day five. Another blood draw at the doctor. Ultrasound shows follicles are developing, but slowly. Where most people have 10-20 develop, my ovaries are stimulating all 50+ follicles at once. They aren't at the size they need to be. My skin is starting to break-out and it seems like the injections are getting harder (especially since they are going into sites that are still bruised). I've gained a few pounds already and don't feel up to doing much of anything.
Day six. They dropped my dose in half. My results came back and my estrogen levels have spiked. I should be somewhere around 100-200, but my levels are around 600. I'm definitely feeling sick. I'm hoping for some relief with less. We have another visit tomorrow morning. Praying for answers and good news tonight.
Day seven. Ultrasound shows that the follicles are still under-developed, but all 50+ follicles are present. I feel worse today than I probably have during the whole process. The doctor wants daily monitoring and has asked that I come back tomorrow morning. Bloodwork came back and the levels are continuing to skyrocket. I'm up past 1600 and they are hoping they drop if I only take one medication. I'm not feeling much relief and I cried quite a bit tonight. It feels like there isn't an end in sight since they will most likely extend the number of days I am on injections if the follicles don't grow.
Despite giving me a hard time about not being able to hurt me, as soon as our first alarm went off for our medication, Joshua stepped in. He got all of my medicine lined up along the bathroom counter as he grabbed an ice pack and asked me to lay down. I let the side of my stomach become numb for a minute before he walked into the bedroom, syringe in hand. He asked where I wanted it and I closed my eyes as he pinched me carefully and injected our first dose.
We did it.
One day down.
Day two proved to be a little more difficult. We switched sides and it burned going in. But, we were one more day in.
Day three. We had bloodwork taken this morning at the clinic and I'm not feeling well. (I had to force the smile as I was trying not to cry on this one).
Day four. At this point I am feeling bad. Really bad. My stomach is hurting, I am not getting any sleep. My stomach feels like I drank a gallon of water and it is hard to button my jeans! All color has left my skin (except for the giant bruises all over my arms from bloodwork).
Day five. Another blood draw at the doctor. Ultrasound shows follicles are developing, but slowly. Where most people have 10-20 develop, my ovaries are stimulating all 50+ follicles at once. They aren't at the size they need to be. My skin is starting to break-out and it seems like the injections are getting harder (especially since they are going into sites that are still bruised). I've gained a few pounds already and don't feel up to doing much of anything.
Day six. They dropped my dose in half. My results came back and my estrogen levels have spiked. I should be somewhere around 100-200, but my levels are around 600. I'm definitely feeling sick. I'm hoping for some relief with less. We have another visit tomorrow morning. Praying for answers and good news tonight.
Day seven. Ultrasound shows that the follicles are still under-developed, but all 50+ follicles are present. I feel worse today than I probably have during the whole process. The doctor wants daily monitoring and has asked that I come back tomorrow morning. Bloodwork came back and the levels are continuing to skyrocket. I'm up past 1600 and they are hoping they drop if I only take one medication. I'm not feeling much relief and I cried quite a bit tonight. It feels like there isn't an end in sight since they will most likely extend the number of days I am on injections if the follicles don't grow.
Thursday, October 9, 2014
Laughter is Cheap Medicine
...but IVF is not!After receiving news that we are good to start injections, Walgreen's specialty pharmacy called me from Frisco, TX. They were so helpful over the phone and reiterated that I could contact them with any questions. Since Connie had given me a list of the medication I would be taking, the pharmacy had me confirm the amount of each medicine as well as the cost. Although you cannot put a price tag on a life, apparently the medicine it takes to start one is upwards of $4000. Yikes!
However, God has been gracious to provide for our needs and every step of this process. Therefore, I payed the pharmacy and set up a delivery date. After many months had passed without seeing an old friend, we were scheduled to have a great lunch date around the same time. But, with the signature being required for obtaining my order, I was homebound.
I set up camp at home and began working on my latest ideas for my new business launch. Then, the knock came along with the mountain of syringes as reality set in.Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Bumps and Bruises
Joshua and I had another appointment today.
After taking bloodwork at our doctor's visit, we had another ultrasound. Everything looks great so far! My ovaries are clear with 24 follicles on my right and about 20 on my left. We will wait for confirmation whether we are on track for beginning our injections this weekend. Unfortunately, we learned that my doctor will be out of town during the egg retrieval. Despite trusting the other doctors, it is a little stressful to put such an important step into the hands of someone you've never met. My nerves are definitely getting stronger.
Before we can get started, we have to do some mandatory testing through the Oklahoma Blood Institute. Joshua did great (although he got a little light-headed after they took his blood).
Since they had used my right arm at the doctor, they started on the left. My veins weren't cooperating and they asked for a seasoned nurse to draw me. Unfortunately, the first prick didn't work long enough and they moved to the other side.
No luck.
So, they pricked me for the third time and I tried to stay composed.
A couple of hundred dollars in and a really bruised arm, we were able to leave.
Joshua made sure to feed me and get me comfortable at home. At least that is one more thing down and one step closer.
After taking bloodwork at our doctor's visit, we had another ultrasound. Everything looks great so far! My ovaries are clear with 24 follicles on my right and about 20 on my left. We will wait for confirmation whether we are on track for beginning our injections this weekend. Unfortunately, we learned that my doctor will be out of town during the egg retrieval. Despite trusting the other doctors, it is a little stressful to put such an important step into the hands of someone you've never met. My nerves are definitely getting stronger.
Before we can get started, we have to do some mandatory testing through the Oklahoma Blood Institute. Joshua did great (although he got a little light-headed after they took his blood).
Since they had used my right arm at the doctor, they started on the left. My veins weren't cooperating and they asked for a seasoned nurse to draw me. Unfortunately, the first prick didn't work long enough and they moved to the other side.
No luck.
So, they pricked me for the third time and I tried to stay composed.
A couple of hundred dollars in and a really bruised arm, we were able to leave.
Joshua made sure to feed me and get me comfortable at home. At least that is one more thing down and one step closer.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Pinch Me!
September 24, 2014
We had our injections class with Connie today! I'm not so much excited about what we learned, but rather the idea of us getting closer to the end. It is definitely becoming more of a reality now.
Joshua and I were the only ones in the "class", so Connie brought some nursing students in to teach as well. It was nice to be the only ones going through the process so we could make sure we understood.
As she began teaching us, she asked us, "who will be giving the injections?"
I pointed to him and he pointed to me.
So, she taught us both.
Hubby was a champ. He is so good at retaining information and he listened attentively as she walked us through step-by-step. We had a chance to practice what each injection would involve (because there are more than just one type). One of them was in a pen-shape that allowed you to twist the dial and view the amount in the window. All we would have to do is pinch me and click. I wasn't as afraid of that one.
The second type required actual mixing of the medication. This made me a little nervous. It came in two vials that you would combine by using the syringe. Yuck!
The third one was a pre-filled vial that you attached the needle and "tah-dah"! I liked the idea of that one the most. (As much as you can when thinking about sticking yourself in your belly).
Since choosing not to speak of our treatment with our family, it has been nice to have the support from other women that have been in my shoes. My sister-in-law's good friend, Ashley, was blessed with her little boy after going through our doctor. As a nurse, she has great advice from both personal experience and medical. Therefore, I have been fortunate enough to lean on her through some of the difficulties.
We received the results back from my ART screen and learned that my amh levels were at the highest they've seen. "Normal" registers between 4-8. Mine were at a 21! Combined with the fact that both of my ovaries are proving to appear very young and fertile with over 25 follicles on each, I am now at a higher risk for developing OHSS, ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome.
Since learning of my situation, the doctor is taking preventative steps by changing my medication protocol. In fact, they are looking at starting me at only 75mg of follistim which is unheard of since most women use 300mg.
We had our injections class with Connie today! I'm not so much excited about what we learned, but rather the idea of us getting closer to the end. It is definitely becoming more of a reality now.
Joshua and I were the only ones in the "class", so Connie brought some nursing students in to teach as well. It was nice to be the only ones going through the process so we could make sure we understood.
As she began teaching us, she asked us, "who will be giving the injections?"
I pointed to him and he pointed to me.
So, she taught us both.
Hubby was a champ. He is so good at retaining information and he listened attentively as she walked us through step-by-step. We had a chance to practice what each injection would involve (because there are more than just one type). One of them was in a pen-shape that allowed you to twist the dial and view the amount in the window. All we would have to do is pinch me and click. I wasn't as afraid of that one.
The second type required actual mixing of the medication. This made me a little nervous. It came in two vials that you would combine by using the syringe. Yuck!
The third one was a pre-filled vial that you attached the needle and "tah-dah"! I liked the idea of that one the most. (As much as you can when thinking about sticking yourself in your belly).
Since choosing not to speak of our treatment with our family, it has been nice to have the support from other women that have been in my shoes. My sister-in-law's good friend, Ashley, was blessed with her little boy after going through our doctor. As a nurse, she has great advice from both personal experience and medical. Therefore, I have been fortunate enough to lean on her through some of the difficulties.
We received the results back from my ART screen and learned that my amh levels were at the highest they've seen. "Normal" registers between 4-8. Mine were at a 21! Combined with the fact that both of my ovaries are proving to appear very young and fertile with over 25 follicles on each, I am now at a higher risk for developing OHSS, ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome.
Since learning of my situation, the doctor is taking preventative steps by changing my medication protocol. In fact, they are looking at starting me at only 75mg of follistim which is unheard of since most women use 300mg.
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