Invisible me slips on her pretty dress
Paints on a smile and happiness
Do you see her or the real me
Do the tears in my eyes matter anymore
Those bright eyes you seem to love
Are filled with despair and a cry for hope
I dream to be touched more than skin-deep
Shake me to my core
When have your fingertips traced me
Why don't you remember everything I am
Inside your life in the corners of your mind I'm placed
My value diminishes slowly
If you took another look at me
Maybe then you would see
You don't listen to what I have to say
You don't try to understand
My voice fades into the noices around you
My words are filed into your endless archives of non-memories
Never pulled from their place to be touched
My hurt goes unnoticed again today
Avoid the conflict once more
You think it will go away
Push me down and slam the door
It will be over soon
I wish I could shatter that wall that stands between us
The longer it's up the thicker it becomes
Criticize my feelings and the guilt will kick in
You think maybe I'll stop caring so much
Emotionally distant
I walked away yesterday
Did you feel me pull away at all
Did you realize I wasn't there when you fell asleep
Invisible me drifts away
Told you her feelings deep inside
Do you see me or what could be
Do the tears in my eyes matter anymore
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
A New Day
Today is a new day
It's the beginning of my future
It's the start of a new me
No more looking "two-steps ahead"
I will follow the lamplight at my feet
Trusting He will guide me when I trust in Him
I woke up and stepped outside knowing it would be different today
No turning back
No questions asked
I have to leave my world behind
It is not my own
My comfort becomes my confusion
As I'm leaving
As I'm leaving
A change comes on my eyes
These streets persuading me
With mumbled strange goodbyes
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone
There's no meaning
In clothes and coffee cups
Cheap hotel furniture
Where silence never stops
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my memories to the wind
And I'm almost gone
And now I'm dreaming
I'm staring at the walls
Cars are frozen nowIn late night waterfalls
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Wash my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone
-David Gray
The sun shines for me today
It's going to be a new me
A me that is happy
I choose what my life becomes
Yesterday I said my final goodbye to the old me
No wedding bells or bliss
No kiss goodbye
Just how it was supposed to be
I walked away from you yesterday
No more letting him hold me down
I'm picking myself up off the ground
I'm throwing it all away for the final time
Goodbye broken love
Goodbye regret and dispair
Goodbye you
Underneath the mystery of the future is me
Unveil a new bride
Lily white and renew
It's the beginning of my future
It's the start of a new me
No more looking "two-steps ahead"
I will follow the lamplight at my feet
Trusting He will guide me when I trust in Him
I woke up and stepped outside knowing it would be different today
No turning back
No questions asked
I have to leave my world behind
It is not my own
My comfort becomes my confusion
As I'm leaving
As I'm leaving
A change comes on my eyes
These streets persuading me
With mumbled strange goodbyes
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone
There's no meaning
In clothes and coffee cups
Cheap hotel furniture
Where silence never stops
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my memories to the wind
And I'm almost gone
And now I'm dreaming
I'm staring at the walls
Cars are frozen nowIn late night waterfalls
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Wash my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone
-David Gray
The sun shines for me today
It's going to be a new me
A me that is happy
I choose what my life becomes
Yesterday I said my final goodbye to the old me
No wedding bells or bliss
No kiss goodbye
Just how it was supposed to be
I walked away from you yesterday
No more letting him hold me down
I'm picking myself up off the ground
I'm throwing it all away for the final time
Goodbye broken love
Goodbye regret and dispair
Goodbye you
Underneath the mystery of the future is me
Unveil a new bride
Lily white and renew
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Twenty-One is Just the Beginning...
I slipped on my little black dress
Perfectly placed mascara
Red-kissed lipstick
Pearls and gold high-heels
I saw him pull up in an unfamiliar car
Pin-striped suit and button-up shirt
"You are stunning," he said
He turned me around and smiled
We walked to the car
"I forgot my wallet," he claimed
We drove to his place
Walked up the stairs
Opened the door
Candles and rose petals adorned the room
Fine china
Full-course meal
Wine chilled
Chocolate-covered strawberries and dessert
A perfectly wrapped gift
Pink bow
Canvas photographs
Two small envelopes
"Nascar" one read
The second was sealed with a ribbon
I began to unfold it
Tickets to a Broadway show
The best seats in the place
We drove downtown
Parked the car and walked in
The ambiance was amazing
Their voices resounding through the room
The set unfolded before our eyes
It was amazing
"One more stop," he stated
We drove again down the road
The valet took the keys
We walked inside
Up the winding staircase
Familiar faces awaited
Family and friends in their places
I took my seat
Appetizers
Conversations
The people I love in my life surrounded me
I talked and laughed and left
We walked down the streets
Stopped by the music
Found our seats nearby a piano
A sweet martini and one slow-dance later took hours
Then
We drove
Back to a place that feels like my own
Friends and late-night talks
The cool breeze brushed my skin
We stepped inside to rest on the sofa
Getting to know each other while the others talked
The night was over
It was time to go in
Thank you for loving me that much
Happy birthday to me
Twenty-one is just the beginning
Perfectly placed mascara
Red-kissed lipstick
Pearls and gold high-heels
I saw him pull up in an unfamiliar car
Pin-striped suit and button-up shirt
"You are stunning," he said
He turned me around and smiled
We walked to the car
"I forgot my wallet," he claimed
We drove to his place
Walked up the stairs
Opened the door
Candles and rose petals adorned the room
Fine china
Full-course meal
Wine chilled
Chocolate-covered strawberries and dessert
A perfectly wrapped gift
Pink bow
Canvas photographs
Two small envelopes
"Nascar" one read
The second was sealed with a ribbon
I began to unfold it
Tickets to a Broadway show
The best seats in the place
We drove downtown
Parked the car and walked in
The ambiance was amazing
Their voices resounding through the room
The set unfolded before our eyes
It was amazing
"One more stop," he stated
We drove again down the road
The valet took the keys
We walked inside
Up the winding staircase
Familiar faces awaited
Family and friends in their places
I took my seat
Appetizers
Conversations
The people I love in my life surrounded me
I talked and laughed and left
We walked down the streets
Stopped by the music
Found our seats nearby a piano
A sweet martini and one slow-dance later took hours
Then
We drove
Back to a place that feels like my own
Friends and late-night talks
The cool breeze brushed my skin
We stepped inside to rest on the sofa
Getting to know each other while the others talked
The night was over
It was time to go in
Thank you for loving me that much
Happy birthday to me
Twenty-one is just the beginning
Monday, April 27, 2009
Today...the Unthinkable happened
Okay, so I guess it really wasn't unthinkable...because I had already thought about it. Today I realized he had moved on. This isn't something new or upsetting in itself. You see, I WANTED him to be happy. I WANTED him to find someone a million times better than what I had been to him. However, it was with the one person that allowed me to feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt.
I remember sitting in his parents' living room floor a year or so ago. We were talking about his life growing up...prom, graduation, basic training. That's when it first started. "We always thought he would marry her."
Wait.
Back up.
Who is her you are asking?
Well, to make a long-story short...she was his best friend growing up. He was also madly in love with her off-and-on for years throughout middle school and high school. He had never had the right timing, and they just never saw eye-to-eye on a relationship.
Okay.
Continue.
So as I was saying...that was when the doubts began. For two years I listened to constant reminders of who she was. She was a Godly, Christian woman. She was highly involved in...well...everything. She constantly looked for ways to put herself out there, and she was just like me.
But...the difference was...she stayed the same.
College brought out a multitude of changes in my life. One heartbreak too many left me standing dazed and confused without direction. I was apathetic about my own life because of the struggles I had encountered. That was when we started dating. He was my rescuer. He pulled me up and held me close. I felt safe and didn't need anyone else in my life.
Okay...so I realize I really DID need others...but it took a while to figure that out.
Anyway, that was how we fell head over heels for one another. In the end, I listened to everything about her constantly. He spent New Year's Eve with her before I came along. They went on church trips together before I came along. They always talked and hung out before I came along. I was constantly compared to her. Do you know how it feels to question yourself daily in a relationship? Do you know what it is like to continually have to ask yourself if he really loves you and not her? Do you know how awful it is to hear him reassure you over and over...and over...and over that he would never date her. To hear that she isn't his type anymore. To hear that she is too dramatic, too different, too...everything...for him.
But
I doubted.
She was the only person I ever doubted him with. No, I trusted him with her. I knew he wouldn't betray me. I knew he loved me. I knew the ring was on my finger and he was marrying me.
But
That wasn't enough in the end. I felt this deep calling in the core of my being that I would never amount to enough. I wasn't her. I tried EVERYTHING to make that relationship work. I invested my heart, my body, my soul, my being, my finances, my future hopes and dreams, and most importantly...my time.
I waited patiently...
...loyally...
...faithfully...
...prayerfully...
...hopefully.
I waited for him to return safely to be the man I had fallen in love with.
But
He was gone, and I was no longer the one he wanted. Somehow I felt like he wanted her. No one believed me. No one understood where I was coming from.
But
He called off the wedding, and I took my heart with me. I managed to pick myself up off the ground and walk away. I lifted my head when the tears subsided and dedicated my heart to remain loyal. I didn't talk negatively about him. I didn't yell at him. I didn't blame him or try to hurt him. I gave him his space and moved on.
No, I don't long to have him back in my heart. I rather not hold onto something that isn't supposed to be. He and I both knew that when we parted. However, I will forever mourn a part of me.
Just like I mourn the little girl that trusted everything to my Momma and Daddy to take care of me.
Just like I mourn the girl that thought scraped knees were the worst of life's hard-learned lessons.
Just like I mourn the teenager that held onto every ounce of innocence for dear life.
Just like I mourn the graduate that walked across the stage with a light in her eyes for her unknown future.
I mourn the young woman that fell in love with a man that she made a promise to.
Today I realized he had always been in love with her...and for a moment my heart hurt. I don't wish to be dependent on my family for all of my life or unaware of the realities of this world. I don't want to take back every experience that has made me who I am or look out as if everything is perfect. I don't want to be married to a man that makes me wonder if I am good enough for them...
I just hurt for the pain that comes from the betrayal felt. The memories flood back. I wanted to think the best of him. I wanted to know that there was never any doubt from him during the duration of that waiting season of my life. It's an awful price to pay when you have to shed your optimism for reality. I allowed him to make the decision to let us go...I respected it, and am blessed. The Lord is faithful to provide when we are at our weakest. He builds you up higher than you were before, and I would never take back what I have gained these past few months. What I felt was a set-back in my life was a set-up in God's will for my life.
It's just hurtful when you realize what you felt was a lie to someone.
And...
The truth is...
...now I know I was right.
I remember sitting in his parents' living room floor a year or so ago. We were talking about his life growing up...prom, graduation, basic training. That's when it first started. "We always thought he would marry her."
Wait.
Back up.
Who is her you are asking?
Well, to make a long-story short...she was his best friend growing up. He was also madly in love with her off-and-on for years throughout middle school and high school. He had never had the right timing, and they just never saw eye-to-eye on a relationship.
Okay.
Continue.
So as I was saying...that was when the doubts began. For two years I listened to constant reminders of who she was. She was a Godly, Christian woman. She was highly involved in...well...everything. She constantly looked for ways to put herself out there, and she was just like me.
But...the difference was...she stayed the same.
College brought out a multitude of changes in my life. One heartbreak too many left me standing dazed and confused without direction. I was apathetic about my own life because of the struggles I had encountered. That was when we started dating. He was my rescuer. He pulled me up and held me close. I felt safe and didn't need anyone else in my life.
Okay...so I realize I really DID need others...but it took a while to figure that out.
Anyway, that was how we fell head over heels for one another. In the end, I listened to everything about her constantly. He spent New Year's Eve with her before I came along. They went on church trips together before I came along. They always talked and hung out before I came along. I was constantly compared to her. Do you know how it feels to question yourself daily in a relationship? Do you know what it is like to continually have to ask yourself if he really loves you and not her? Do you know how awful it is to hear him reassure you over and over...and over...and over that he would never date her. To hear that she isn't his type anymore. To hear that she is too dramatic, too different, too...everything...for him.
But
I doubted.
She was the only person I ever doubted him with. No, I trusted him with her. I knew he wouldn't betray me. I knew he loved me. I knew the ring was on my finger and he was marrying me.
But
That wasn't enough in the end. I felt this deep calling in the core of my being that I would never amount to enough. I wasn't her. I tried EVERYTHING to make that relationship work. I invested my heart, my body, my soul, my being, my finances, my future hopes and dreams, and most importantly...my time.
I waited patiently...
...loyally...
...faithfully...
...prayerfully...
...hopefully.
I waited for him to return safely to be the man I had fallen in love with.
But
He was gone, and I was no longer the one he wanted. Somehow I felt like he wanted her. No one believed me. No one understood where I was coming from.
But
He called off the wedding, and I took my heart with me. I managed to pick myself up off the ground and walk away. I lifted my head when the tears subsided and dedicated my heart to remain loyal. I didn't talk negatively about him. I didn't yell at him. I didn't blame him or try to hurt him. I gave him his space and moved on.
No, I don't long to have him back in my heart. I rather not hold onto something that isn't supposed to be. He and I both knew that when we parted. However, I will forever mourn a part of me.
Just like I mourn the little girl that trusted everything to my Momma and Daddy to take care of me.
Just like I mourn the girl that thought scraped knees were the worst of life's hard-learned lessons.
Just like I mourn the teenager that held onto every ounce of innocence for dear life.
Just like I mourn the graduate that walked across the stage with a light in her eyes for her unknown future.
I mourn the young woman that fell in love with a man that she made a promise to.
Today I realized he had always been in love with her...and for a moment my heart hurt. I don't wish to be dependent on my family for all of my life or unaware of the realities of this world. I don't want to take back every experience that has made me who I am or look out as if everything is perfect. I don't want to be married to a man that makes me wonder if I am good enough for them...
I just hurt for the pain that comes from the betrayal felt. The memories flood back. I wanted to think the best of him. I wanted to know that there was never any doubt from him during the duration of that waiting season of my life. It's an awful price to pay when you have to shed your optimism for reality. I allowed him to make the decision to let us go...I respected it, and am blessed. The Lord is faithful to provide when we are at our weakest. He builds you up higher than you were before, and I would never take back what I have gained these past few months. What I felt was a set-back in my life was a set-up in God's will for my life.
It's just hurtful when you realize what you felt was a lie to someone.
And...
The truth is...
...now I know I was right.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
I Have Needs and Wants...
This is me. Please do not expect me to change.
Life is more important than money.
Finances worry me. Please protect my fears...save your money and don't complain. Do not spend more than you make. Value what you are blessed to have.
Communication is crucial
Do not disrespect me and put me down.
Value my emotions.
Talk about problems without criticizing who I am.
Do not be defensive in arguments It isn't about you, it is the issue at hand.
We will talk. Do not push me away. Care about me.
Stonewalling your emotions is too close to apathy...the most dangerous feeling to have.
Compromises must be made. It isn't about "winning an argument". It isn't about "giving in". It is about caring enough to work at it.
It takes two...two must talk, care, and do...that means both of us.
I know my mistakes, please do not remind me.
I love to do things for you. I only expect appreciation and love in return.
Be your best self. (Who God made you to be)
Try to understand me.
Show me that you love me.
Tell me you love me.
Treat me better than my father would. Protect my heart, soul, body, and purity.
Know your goals and reach for them.
Control your temper and learn self-control.
Guard your heart and mine.
Be careful what you look at.
Have realistic expectations towards me and who I can be. Appreciate my strengths. Compliment me and mean it.
Remember the little things.
I love flowers, rain, and candles.
Let me take pictures...whenever I can.
Life is more important than money.
Finances worry me. Please protect my fears...save your money and don't complain. Do not spend more than you make. Value what you are blessed to have.
Communication is crucial
Do not disrespect me and put me down.
Value my emotions.
Talk about problems without criticizing who I am.
Do not be defensive in arguments It isn't about you, it is the issue at hand.
We will talk. Do not push me away. Care about me.
Stonewalling your emotions is too close to apathy...the most dangerous feeling to have.
Compromises must be made. It isn't about "winning an argument". It isn't about "giving in". It is about caring enough to work at it.
It takes two...two must talk, care, and do...that means both of us.
I know my mistakes, please do not remind me.
I love to do things for you. I only expect appreciation and love in return.
Be your best self. (Who God made you to be)
Try to understand me.
Show me that you love me.
Tell me you love me.
Treat me better than my father would. Protect my heart, soul, body, and purity.
Know your goals and reach for them.
Control your temper and learn self-control.
Guard your heart and mine.
Be careful what you look at.
Have realistic expectations towards me and who I can be. Appreciate my strengths. Compliment me and mean it.
Remember the little things.
I love flowers, rain, and candles.
Let me take pictures...whenever I can.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
There are just some things in life that make it worthwhile...
...like best friends.
I am so, So, SO blessed to have some of the most amazing people in my life that I can call my friends. First and foremost, I think it is beyond obvious that I madly, deeply care about the "Mr." in the majority of my recent blogs (and thoughts). Honestly, he is amazing. Sure...we have our ups and downs...and deeper downs. However, he has somehow managed to lasso this little heart of mine into his life. I cannot believe I have known this handsome guy for over twenty years and had yet to date him. What was I thinking?
I am so, So, SO blessed to have some of the most amazing people in my life that I can call my friends. First and foremost, I think it is beyond obvious that I madly, deeply care about the "Mr." in the majority of my recent blogs (and thoughts). Honestly, he is amazing. Sure...we have our ups and downs...and deeper downs. However, he has somehow managed to lasso this little heart of mine into his life. I cannot believe I have known this handsome guy for over twenty years and had yet to date him. What was I thinking?
Secondly, I just have to say a HUGE 'thank you' to the most amazing couple in the world. The future Worleys are pretty much two of the most sincere people I have met. I would never have made it through all the heartache of the past two years without them.
Miss T. you are my twin, and I adore you.
Enough of the sappiness! I had a WONDERFUL time with these three people today. We rose bright and early to make it out to one of my favorite places of all time...
...Do you know where it was?
...Are you still guessing?
...Give up yet?
...Give up yet?
THE ZOO! Seriously, who wouldn't love looking at some of the coolest animals on the planet that you would never be able to spot otherwise...like a giraffe! Have you SEEN how TALL they are? Moments like these make life worthwhile.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
A Mirror's So Much Harder to Hold
You could stay awhile longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water
Watch the sunset going under
It's not that I'm a stranger to lonely moments
I've had my share of those
Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror's so much harder to hold
I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are from my own reflection
You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I got fatal flaws to call my own
Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
I met a man who's looking for perfection
Said he never met a girl who's good enough
His eyes are getting old, like they'd love to love again
Such a lonely man, such a lonely man
I see him in my reflection
Taking steps towards me these days
So I hold you that much closer
And pray we don't throw this away
It's not that I'm a man who couldn't love you
I know what these arms are for
Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
Please don't go, please don't leave me cold
A mirror is so much harder to hold
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water
Watch the sunset going under
It's not that I'm a stranger to lonely moments
I've had my share of those
Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror's so much harder to hold
I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are from my own reflection
You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I got fatal flaws to call my own
Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
I met a man who's looking for perfection
Said he never met a girl who's good enough
His eyes are getting old, like they'd love to love again
Such a lonely man, such a lonely man
I see him in my reflection
Taking steps towards me these days
So I hold you that much closer
And pray we don't throw this away
It's not that I'm a man who couldn't love you
I know what these arms are for
Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
Please don't go, please don't leave me cold
A mirror is so much harder to hold
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