Christmas 2013

The Christmas season was filled with the countless to do's that come with the end of the year.  Work days were long and evenings were short.  However, we somehow managed to fit in the Christmas shopping that makes my heart so joyous. 

There is something about knowing that this is the one time of the year that no one thinks twice when you show up with a pretty package to show them how much they are loved.  And, I must say, I love giving gifts.  In fact, I tend to keep a running list of things mentioned throughout the year in people's "wants" to help surprise them with a perfectly thoughtful item.  '

Now, I get that it may take a total of 3.7 seconds to rip into a package and unwrap it, but I can't help wanting everything about the token of my love to be presented in a way that says, "I care about you."  Therefore, I spent hours wrapping each of the prettiest packages for my loved ones and tucking them under the tree until Christmas arrived.

True, nothing I came up with could even come close to the gift I had received-Jesus Christ.

It is the time of year that I am reminded of how thankful I should be for all of the many, many blessings that have been poured over me and my family.  I pray for each of you during this joyous season that you will humbled as you remember the true meaning of Christmas.

And to all a goodnight.

60 Years Later

This is what true love really looks like.

Happy Anniversary to two of my favorite people.

I love you, Gramma and Pawpaw.

Turning a New Page

Friday, October 11, 2013 marked my last day in the role of Family Support Coordinator at Family Expectations.  It was such a bittersweet day as I was sad to have to leave so many of the friends I had come to love.  It started like any other Friday.

Come in.
Sit down.
Annette plays the "Good morning song".
Rap to Toby Mac and have a good belly laugh.
Rush to get data entry completed before our team meeting.
Go downstairs and enjoy breakfast with the group.
Take part in fellowship before heading into the training room.

Then, it quickly changed into a room full of emotions.

My director stood in front of the group as he made weekly announcements and called me up to the front.  My true blue personality type took over as my stomach filled with nerves and my eyes filled with tears.  He shared that is was my last day in the role and the experiences we had over the past year and a half.  He mentioned that there were concerns when I took the role whether this was the right position for me to be in. We discussed the fears that come from working in this type of environment day-in and day-out--how he was afraid I would lose the sweet spirit I had come with.  Then, he looked at me and stated that I never lost it. He shared his pride in the work I had put in for Family Expectations and the love I had shown. Then, he turned over the floor as I shared my heart.

I cannot express the ease in which my words came out. I shared my heart with my co-workers and how God was leading me into the ministry.  I discussed my excitement in the turning of a new page and the joy that had come from working with each and every one of them. Then, I took a seat.

But, the expression of love didn't stop there. My supervisor stood in front of everyone and presented me with one of the most thoughtful gifts I could have ever imagined.  She placed in my hands a journal.  Scribed on the front were the words, "For I walk by faith, not by sight".  She shared that my teammates had written memories and words of encouragement as I start this new journey. 

I choked back the tears and let my team know of my gratitude. I listened to what would be my final FE team meeting before heading back to my desk.  There, I was greeted with homemade cookies (one of my weaknesses). People gathered around as they enjoyed their kind words and hugs. 

I wrapped up the morning and packed my belongings before heading out to my grandparents.  It is in moments like these that we are reminded of the impact we have on others and the purpose we serve. As I sat in Gramma and Pawpaw's living room, I carefully flipped through the beautiful journal. Within it were page after page of memories to cherish.  I was amazed by some of the letters that followed-letters of how I had shown the light of the Lord and His fingerprint in all I did.

What a blessing.

The final letter was filled with scripture and encouragement as a co-worker shared her prayer for my family and this new chapter.  Then, the pages were blank.

Thank you, Lord for the opportunity to go where You lead me. I pray You will take the pen as you write the story of my life.  It's all for You.

Here's to the turning of a new page.

God is Good

First of all, let me say that again so you can really feel how powerful that statement is:

"God is good."

The months of August and September this year were full of roller coaster moments. After learning of the attempted suicide of one of the partipants in my program, my entire life was rocked. Not only was there the instant sickness that overwhelmed me; but, the first thing that came through my head was, "why?"

Why was I such a coward? When he opened up about his struggle with depression, addiction, feeling empty...why didn't I share my faith? Because of a job?  Because it was against policy? 

The upcoming days brought a lot of questions with it, and I soon found myself face down in prayer for God to guide me to clarity. Obstacles overwhelmed me as my husband supported me in the decisions I had to make.  I would share my faith openly from that moment on, knowing that it would be a risk every day. My heart was burdened by the fact that as an employee of this company, I was disrespecting them by disobeying the rules they had put in place.  Therefore, I followed what God had placed so heavily on my heart. 

The final week of August I put in an application to pursue a position at my church.  After putting off the call to the ministry many times before, I finally gave into what God had gently pushed me towards.  The following day I received a phone call to set up a phone interview.  With the busyness of my job on my schedule, God worked out every barrier that stood in the way and cleared the very day they wanted to talk with me.

From the moment I heard her voice on the phone, the excitement of hope was ignited. The details-although nothing I would have pursued before-were exactly what I needed at this season of my life. And, after a thoughtful conversation, I was asked to come in for an interview.

The first interview went well. I was able to share how God had spoken to me through the experiences over the past year. Before I had even walked back into work, I had received an email to go through to the next stage of the process.  I was anxious to complete the assessment-totaling approximately two hours of my Friday afternoon.  Then, I waited.

Monday I received word that they were interested in calling me in for a second interview.  I was expectantly prayerful that this would be it, and I was flexible to come in on their time.  That week of waiting seemed to drag on, but it allowed me the time I needed to process and pray over what was up ahead.

The afternoon of my interview, I walked in with confidence and left with confusion.  Something about the dynamic in the room left me questioning things and my heart was crushed.

"If only I had a chance to explain myself. If I had more time to process some of the questions they had approached me with. If only I could tie up some loose ends."

I left with a bad feeling that day as the enemy tried to attack. However, the next morning I shared my concerns with my husband and received the phone call to come back in and chat.

Susan was amazing.  Her words of wisdom eased any questions I had, and I was able to finally feel at ease in the process. I let my guard down and allowed the Lord to speak through me.  Then, we left with a hug.

God gave me a peace that will surpass any understanding.

It was in that moment that I knew that He had shaped me for this pivotal moment in our lives.

Monday morning, September 30th, I walked into my supervision with my letter of resignation. I was able to share the testimony of trusting in the Lord and how He had prepared my family for this decision. Let me say this, when we walk by sight-we will be afraid.

Let's look at the facts:
I am married and recently started going through fertility treatments (more of that to come) alongside a $30,000 adoption. We have been hit with the cost of medical bills due to hospitalizations and multiple surgeries in the last three years. My car broke down in December and I have a car payment to afford. We are adults with bills and responsibilities to tend to, not to mention a mortgage. We are a two income family that, at this time, requires both incomes to pay our bills.

BUT, when we walk in faith alone-here is what God can do:
The day after I put in my two weeks as a total step of obedience, my husband was offered a job. (He has searched above and below for more than five years to find a supplement to his current income doing something he cares about.) The offer will cover more than what his current paycheck is taking on. Two days after that, I went in for my final interview and was offered the position that Friday making penny-for-penny what I am making right now. In a total of one week, God covered every single bill on our plate. I received a check from my teaching position (after waiting a month to get paid) that will pay towards more than half of my medical bills.We will be able to continue to financially support our Christian radio station. Not to mention, we will be getting an allowance that will cover our cell phones and internet services, knocking two bills off of our list to bless others.

All glory goes to Him alone. We are humbled by how much He has allowed us to be blessed with, and know that the season of pain was in fact in preparation for the outpouring of love we have received. Thank you, Lord.

God is good!

Open Sesame

I have prayed (and prayed) for doors to be open wide so that I can run through them...full speed-no turning back. It seems this door ahead of me was recently unlocked. I pray that tomorrow will lead me to stand before that door as the handle is turned and He says, "come on in." 

Here is to stepping out of my security and into the direction that God wants for my life.

Helpless

Helpless.

There is nothing quite like the feeling associated with that one word; and, last week I felt totally and completely helpless.

Monday morning started as any other day at work. It was rush, rush, rush...work, work, work. My head ached from talking to the brick wall I faced in office visits. That is until about 3pm as I received the painful phone call that one of the dads in my program tried to take his life.

Aside from choking back the sickness that overcame me, all I could do was listen in disbelief as I offered a supportive ear. I wrapped up the phone call as I held back the tears that wanted to flood my eyes. The details made me hurt and all I could do was move in robotic mode to try to get my last few visits taken care of.  I left in a hurry as I ran down the stairs and through the parking lot. I held it in until I got to my car, and then the emotion found me.

Helpless.

How could someone get to that point?  To the point where their own life seemed completely worthless that they feel the better option is to not have one? Why? Why was I such a coward in my last conversation with him that I couldn't just speak up and say the very thing that could have saved him?  Why didn't I say, "No, you can't do this alone. You really need God as your Lord and Savior to restore your marriage"?

Excuses.

I can tell you why...it was because I received the threat when I first took this position that despite my best intentions, any voice of God could jeopardize all of our efforts as a program and could cause others to lose their job. What is more important though, a job or someone's eternity?

Helpless.

I drove home that night with the thoughts racing that I should have been better at my real job-leading others to Christ.  The next day brought more stress with it.  After a rough day of putting on a happy face and pretending to be okay, I was faced with a conversation that ended with the outcome being out of my hands.

Helpless.

My husband was more than supportive as he shared that he would stand beside me no matter what I chose to do.  He discussed getting a second job to pick up my slack, but I knew better than to place that burden on him. I was jumping the gun. The worst case scenario hadn't happened yet. I decided to wait.

Helpless.

The next day I went through the motions until just after lunch time. After receiving word that my greatest fear came true, I lost it.  I lost all control over hiding. I lost myself and gave it over to God.

I prayed for God to take the pain and confusion away and provide answers. I prayed for His direction to be made evident in my life. I prayed for healing for the hurt families around me. I prayed for wisdom and bravery to do what is right by God's standards-not the world's. I prayed to be used and moved so that the limits of sharing His glory would have no boundaries. I prayed for rest.

That day I received a phone call that could lead to bigger, better things for the kingdom of God. My boss gave me two days off for personal time to restore my spirit. Those two things worked together in a way only God could have provided.

Thank you, Lord for open doors.

Therefore,  I'm standing here with arms wide open waiting for God's timing to mold me into what He wants for my life. I pray that you will stand in agreement with me and my family as we go into this journey ahead-not aware of what lies before us.  Pray for being quick to respond and eager to obey-no turning back.  Pray for thanksgiving in our weakest moments. That we may be grateful for the times we are helpless because God provides hope.

Just like flossing...

I can remember it like it was yesterday when we sat as a couple on the left side of the auditorium the first Sunday of this year.  Pastor Craig questioned seriously what words would be read if we were to write our story.

He used the example of when he gets up and flosses, he is more likely to continue making positive decisions. It reminded me of the breakfast bar commercials where one person chooses to eat the healthy snack instead of the donut that will lead to the slice of pizza, etc.

You just have to start flossing.

It was then and there that we made the decision to start something.  It started out with making the conscious effort to attend church-every single week. Yes, we both grew up in the same hometown church-attending regularly.  I was there on Sunday mornings and evenings, and went to Focus (our youth ministry) on Wednesdays. I sang in children's choir, was in every Christmas play, attended VBS as a kiddo, accepted Christ as my savior, was baptized and looked forward to going to each and every camp that came on the calendar.

After our longtime youth pastor left, I no longer had a personal relationship with the leaders of our ministry.   I wasn't included in the "inner circle" of Christians at church.  You know, the pretty girls and cute boys that got along with the pastor and his wife..the families that were highly involved by donating their time and resources to the other teens (with their large houses and swimming pools). I wasn't a cool kid.  In fact, I was a scrawny, under confident little girl with glasses and braces that struggled to fit in.

Then, my priorities shifted. I attended churches weekly with whichever boyfriend I was dating at the time, and rumors spread. No one missed me when I wasn't there.I wasn't a "good leader" anymore. The people I once called friends began pushing me away (or maybe I was pulling away). I left my hometown church in high school, searching for a place to call my "home".

Once in college, I faced one of the most difficult times of my life. Each day became harder and harder to want to go on. I attended the BCM on campus and even tried to go to a few small groups in town.  Everywhere I went I felt judged. I didn't have the singing voice to lead praise and worship, I didn't have the money to attend extra functions where everyone went for fellowship, I didn't have the same priorities of having fun as most of the other people around me.  I felt that each of them were hypocrites for claiming to love the God of the Universe and acting the complete opposite towards those around them. They would mock the less fortunate and drink on the weekends before going to church. They gave Christians a bad name, but then again...so did I.

It was hard to see past myself when I was amidst the biggest pity party of my life.  I was overly critical and made excuses for everything. Even for the first few years of our relationship, my husband and I would talk about our relationships with God and would chose not to go to church for whatever reason we could find at the time. 

"We don't get anything out of it when we go."

"We don't believe in the leadership there."

Aside from occassional visits or going on holidays, we went years without attending.

So, as we sat towards the middle aisle in January, we chose to start flossing. We chose to start calling Lifechurch our church home.

In the following months, we made the decision to give our tithes and offerings. We chose to serve.  We attended the "newcomer" event at our church-after attending off-and-on for four years. We chose to change our attitudes. We chose to make our number one priority our relationship with Christ Jesus, our Lord. We chose to put our family directly below Him. We chose to pray together.

Every day seems to be a fork in the road where we are forced to decide which path to take. We are continuing to let go as we entrust Him with the finances that rightfully are His. More recently, we have been faced with the decision to give our careers over to the Lord. Today seems to be the last heartbreak before giving our jobs over to Him. I prayed at the beginning of the week for God to provide whatever his will was for our family. As my husband was approached for a potential job, I prayed that whatever was right would happen. If at any point, it was a distraction for what He had planned for our family-if it was a temptation that we needed to resist-I prayed for God to slam the door.

I received word this morning that the door was closed, locked, and boarded up. 
Therefore, I am personally (and audibly) giving my family over to the Lord. I pray that He will use us as an instrument for His will and he will provide the ability to follow the desires of our hearts that He purposefully placed within us. I am standing with arms open to receive whatever He wants for our family. I pray that others will stand in agreement with us in the decisions we make and we will be granted clarity during this difficult time.  Thank you for the love and support you have given us thus far, and may God bless you as He has blessed us.

In my world...

In my world
In my mind
I picture things different
All the time

My mornings begin with giggles and squeals
From tiny little voices
In which God is revealed

I don't rush to get ready
To drive away from home
Or sit in front of a screen
Or answer a phone

Instead I answer the continual "Why"
From curious learners
Hungry to know what's under God's sky

I make breakfast and get ready
To see what is in store
As each day is a new beginning
For us to explore

A kiss goodbye to the one I love
As he steps out the door
To do something worth working for

My lessons learned
Become things to teach
So that my family may know
Everything is within reach

I am needed, it's true
To rock and soothe and feed
A baby that depends strictly
On me to meet their needs

But it isn't just a title
The desire to be "mom"
There is something much more
To my dreams that I long

The greatest blessing so far in my life
Was when God graced me with the love
And a man took me as his wife

It wasn't just a ring, a diamond or a day
That defined my marriage
But it became me
In every way

Every decision from that moment on
Didn't belong to just me
It was for us, for a purpose
For God's greater need

To glorify Him was the desire of my heart
So that others may know
They are never apart

Joined as one
We became bigger than us
When we said I do
And committed to trust

So the life that I want isn't just about me
It is a life that I long for
So others may see

A family that is loving
Centered around Him
So that when they see our lives
They can't help but question

"Why are they so happy?"
"What's different about them?"
"I want what they have"
They will be changed from within

The pitter patter of little feet
Is only a moment
In God's grand scheme

Days fly by
People grow old
But the life that we live
Is His story to be told

May our lives be a witness
A way we can show
That the only thing that remains always
Is the salvation given from Him alone

Spell Check

I often find it entertaining to go back and read what I actually put down in writing in the spur of the moment. Let it be known right now that I do not proofread as I should. When I finally have the time to put my thoughts to the page, it is mostly during the middle of a busy work day when I have approximately an hour to prepare some form of leftovers from the fridge, answer the phone (or I'll be returning the calls later), catch up on data entry and paperwork from my clients, sit down and try to relax a few moments, check emails, and type something while chewing my halfway warmed food. Therefore, I am openly admitting (and apologizing) for the lack of proper grammar and/or misspelled words that you are reading over at any given moment. I promise I will (at least try) to spell check the next time I hit publish for your reading sanity.

Straight A's?

When thinking about my report card, I can relive the disappointment that occurred when my perfect academic score dropped from an A to B (and so on). Although there are always exceptions out there, I am reminded of the fact that I am innately human; therefore, I will have failures in my life.

One thing that stuck with me recently was hearing the scenario given of a family receiving their child's report card. When looking at the letters, the read aloud the several As and their minds focused in on the "F" that followed (math, maybe?). As a parent would do, they immediately started lecturing and brainstorming how they could improve this grade.

So many times in life, we focus in on the things that reflect our failures and try to correct them-over and over again. We relive the tests we faced. "If only I did...I could have passed."  We focus on trying to get bigger and better in the area of "improvement"-sometimes forgetting the things that were once our strongest points. We spend so much time thinking about our math skills that we fall behind in developing what we were good at. I believe (even more so now than ever before) that our failures do not define our lives. In other words, "manage the F, but celebrate the A."  Rather than focusing so much on what we could fix, why not make what we are good at even better?

"Look straight ahead and fix your eyes on what lies before you."

Strength

I recently heard someone say that our greatest opportunities for growth are in our strengths, not in our weaknesses. What a profound statement to reflect on the things that God has gifted us with. If every person was meant to be developed perfectly in every aspect...doctor, carpenter, computer technician, police man, counselor...then we could all take care of ourselves. There is deep need within each and every one of us to need others. This relational way of thinking reminds us to lean not on our own understanding, but to depend on something besides ourselves.

I have realized that when I think I can do things on my own, I tend to negate the strengths of those around me.

"Sugar, will you get this down for me?"

I have often found that I may need my husband's help to complete what others may view as a simple task.  His height, although he may not see it as anything to think twice about, is a strength he can use to bless those around him (ie. me).  Something so minute reminds me to be grateful that I have someone by my side and reiterates that we all have something to bring to the table.

We are each created to be different than those around us. And, the strengths that we posess that others do not, are the very things that someone may have a desperate need for.  Someone may look down on me for my emotional way of thinking, but I am there to cry with someone when they grieve the loss of their loved one and just need a shoulder to cry on.  We are wired to continually search for others. We are not meant to be alone. In fact, we are never alone.

I am reminded of the footprints in the sand that so boldly illustrate how our Heavenly Father carries us through our trials and tribulations. If once the storm rolled in, we began wandering aimlessly through life to say to those around us, "I got this. I don't need you," then we miss out on one of the greatest blessings of all in life. There is a reason why so many people find God in their hour of weakness. It is in that moment that they need something/someone else.

As beautiful as the statement was made, I feel the tug in my heart to change it to something bigger than what they initially stated.

Our greatest opportunity to grow others is in our strength.  As a Christian, my biggest strength is the very relationship that I have to offer each and every one around me. He fulfills my thirst from a well that will never run dry. He carries me through the things I think are impossible. He gives me a peace that surpasses understanding. He places the lives around me in my life for a reason. He gives purpose to my life and I will spend every day searching for His will for my life. When others put me down, He picks me up. He has gifted me with abilities, characteristics, and passions to bless those around me and use in a way that will honor his command to reach out to them. Although the things that define me are drastically different that the things that make up them, we are equally created to be boldly capable of anything. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

My God is my strength.

Joy Comes in the Morning

I have heard that phrase so many times before, but as you can see from my previous post-there isn't much joy in my heart in my mornings. How selfish am I to think that it is okay to wake up and take for granted the day that God has chosen to let me experience?  I somehow have forgotten that every day is a gift from Him, and as long as I'm still breathing He has a purpose for my life. I don't necessarily believe in "coincidence". In fact, I believe as it is written that there is a season for everything-including pain.

I would like to think that the season I am experiencing is nothing more than growing pains. When we make the decision to put Christ first in our lives, there will be opposition. The enemy will knock down every door we reach for, but it all happens for a reason. As long as our eyes remain fixed on the Lord, He will lead us to the right path.

I believe that Jesus Christ sacrificed His life so that I might live, and it must break His heart every day that I coast through without searching for His purpose for my life. What a tragic trade the world received when they got me instead of Him.

However, if He believes my life is worth living another day-I must start living it. I must embrace the opportunities that lay before me throughout the day. I must continually be enveloped in prayer in a way that my relationship is so in tune with His words that He speaks through me. May my actions reflect a loving person that pleases Him. Give me strength to bite my tongue when it will only lead others astray. Make me courageous enough to step out in faith-even if it causes fear. Use the negative consequences that may come my way as a confirmation that I can only make it with Him alone. Remind me that the pain is temporary and won't last forever. If nothing else, use this moment to prepare my heart for what is to come.  Use today as a reminder that when good finally comes my way, glory goes to Him alone.

A bug in my soup...

...or at least in my ravioli.

Have you ever just had one of "those days"?  Well, I'm fairly certain that I am having one of those months. Despite my best efforts to stay very positive amidst this Spiritual warfare going on around me, I finally feel that I am at my wits end today.  The last few weeks have been weighing heavily on my heart.

I mentioned before how often I struggle with all my job takes away from my family.  Just when I started to think, "Well, I can just stay part-time," I hit the jackpot of all weeks. I taught a class one evening that seriously made me question whether or not I wanted to ever teach again, I had two domestic violence cases in my office, I met with a couple that just couldn't put aside their feelings to think about their daughter, and one of my most committed couples confessed he was caught having an affair.  Then, after a very long day of work we finally wrapped things up to eat dinner together immediately before going to bed. With no time to blink, I warmed some not-so-delicious-or-nutritious canned ravioli at half past 10pm. It wasn't until the final bite that my sweet hubby offered to let me finish the bowl. Thus, I cut the last piece to split as I brought the spoon up to my mouth-only to find a rather large mosquito, wings and stinger fully intact, cooked into the pasta. There is nothing worse than a bug in your soup to make you sick.

If you think that was a lot, I added an additional three domestic violence cases to my mental list of frustrations and recently heard the heart-wrenching news that one of the dads in my caseload passed away from cancer.  I feel like there is constantly something adding itself to my plate. The weekends are suddenly filled with a never-ending list of to dos and the weeks drag on (and on).

I. Am. Exhausted.

Sleep? What's that? Every night I find myself racing through the upcoming day's agenda and everything else that I am about to take on. I pray repeatedly that something will break this cycle of: snooze button, panick, snooze button, rush, work/work/work, listen, overload, cry, wipe the tears and suck it up, work/work/work, leave late, rush, kiss 'hello', eat, lay down, think, count sheep, imagine how much sleep I should be getting, stare at the ceiling, alarm sounds-snooze button.  In fact, my mind has hit the point that it is seriously difficult to get up in the mornings. I feel this overwhelming response to the sunshine in the mornings that makes it hard to breathe.

Amidst all that time I spend not sleeping, I manage to think a lot about what changes need to happen. I had the rude awakening of Spiritual discernment that the more I teach others they can do things without the love of Christ-the more I am actually leading them away from Him. Wow, what a statement.

Not to mention the fact that the very things I get to spend endless hours teaching to others to improve their relationships is draining me from the energy to do the same for mine. Thus, I am sitting here going through the motions until God slams open a door in front of us.

Dear Lord,
   Please open a door so large that we cannot help but run through it fullspeed ahead. Please take charge of our careers, our finances, our dreams, our future family, and our marriage. Please give us rest that comes from you alone-a peace that fades out all anxieties surrounding us. Give us financial peace so that the decisions we make will not be measured in money alone.  Allow us to live lives that glorify Your kingdom and purpose. Grant us the ability to be generous to those around us while drawing boundaries to protect what Satan so easily will try to destroy. Remove any foothold that we may have allowed him to have in our lives. Give us a change-a change of routine, a change of struggling every day, and a change of heart. Lessen our loads to help carry Your name in a way that best represents the love You have for us. Create the perfect position for Joshua to fall into, soon. More than a job or a way to "make a living", but rather a way of living the life You want him to have. Use the money we have to multiply it into the things you want for us. Give him a vision for what our family can achieve and the passion to pursue it. Give us the courage to walk through this path together and set sail without the fear of the storms we have faced behind us. Take hold of our future and shape it in a way that the signs align perfectly so we cannot help but choose You. Grant me the ability to stand behind his decisions, knowing that You are mercifully directing his choices. Bless us with a family that will be resilient enough to be different than the normal things I face every day. Allow us to be different. Let me stay home with our children to watch them grow and guide them to follow you and lead others. Help me make it through the day.

Amen.

Pray

Lyrics from Sanctus Real

I bow my head to pray, I don't know what to say
I'm not sure how to fix the things I'm dealing with
I'm in a desperate place, I need to share the weight
But I just don't know how, to let it all pour out
Though I'm silent, my heart is crying
Cause I was made to come to You

So I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray

I failed to find the time, but You've been calling out
I let the days go by as if I could live without
But it's gotta be here now, I won't be pulled away
Cause it's just You and I, so let the world around us fade

As I pray
God I need You more than words can say
Right here in this moment
You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray
I'm gonna pray

(Father)
Will You meet me here right now?
(Father)
I surrender, lay it down
(Father)
And every time I close my eyes
I know that I was made
To lift my hands and pray
I lift my hands and pray

You know my heart, You know my need
And every single part of me
So even if it's just to speak Your name
I'm gonna pray
I'm gonna pray

You know my heart, You know my need
You know every part of me
More than words, You are my life
Take it as an offering

The Truth

Part Three.
Just to reiterate where my heart falls regarding marriage, when I said I do it was with the intentions that our marriage would directly illustrate the love between Christ and the Church.

Coming home to find dinner on the table, the house swept and cleaned, the laundry washed and dried, and a husband with outstretched arms-my husband is an incredible provider. He not only gets up at the crack of dawn to go to work, but he comes home and tends to the house (inside and out). He helps provide for us financially and maintain my sanity by keeping up with the chores I rarely have time to do. This, in itself, would be a girl's dream come true.

However, as someone that is deeply grounded in traditional views, I constantly find myself struggling with the idea that I am not doing "my part". True, my husband has never once complained or asked more of me. In fact, on my afternoon off early yesterday he specifically asked me to rest rather than worry about cleaning.

No, it isn't just the expectation that I would like to be little miss homemaker-taking care of the house and kids while having dinner on the table when hubby comes home from work (in a suit/tie, briefcase in hand). No, it isn't just the thought that it would be nice to not have to be pulling extra hours and bending over backwards. Contrary to what people may think, my biggest frustration with not being able to pull my weight in the household has to do with something much bigger than myself.

I can only imagine how it breaks God's heart every time someone chooses to go to a little league game over helping disciple baby Christians on the weekend. I can picture his sadness when someone commits to going into work (for the seventh day in a row) and Church is put on the back burner, again. It wears me down to think that a family has dinner in their separate rooms because they have "too much to do" between work and homework that evening to worry about talking together. I think about how upsetting it would be to be the Lord of creation, paint the most beautiful sunrise the world has ever seen, and someone be so rushed that morning-running late-that they forget to thank God for His beauty.

Back to my point. Every single time I put my agenda ahead of my family's, I am saying that it is okay to put my husband on the sidelines. I am telling the world that it is okay to continue living in a hurry and forget to praise God that day-because your boss asked you to come into work. I am saying that it is okay for a person to make God second, or third in their life because bills have to be paid (and that money means more than that relationship). And, each and every time I allow complacency into my life...thinking it is okay for me to selflessly continue to accept each of the blessings my husband gives me without stopping to carry some of the burden...I am saying that it is okay to continue taking for granted the love/mercy/grace/salvation that God has offered us.

No, it is not 'okay'.

I pray that those out there will see that today I am taking the step in our marriage to put my husband ahead of my job, my friends, my plans and my wants. Today, I am taking a step of faith that Christ will be the center of our marriage, and that my love for my husband will resonate into the lives of those around me to see-it is not okay to continue thinking that it is an option to spend time with the God of the Universe. In fact, he has been with you all along.

The Plea

Part Two.
When I said I do it was with the intentions that our marriage would directly illustrate the love between Christ and the Church. 

I would be lying if I said that my perception of marriage was always this way. Just as His people are sin-filled and undeserving, I had come with a lot of baggage and mistakes. When my husband and I started dating, I was less than perfect. I selfishly clung to the things of my past, to the security of what was certain. I wanted so badly to be loved, but struggled with the concept that anyone would ever want me. If only I had a ring on my finger, then I might feel like someone wanted me. If only I were married, then they couldn't leave me. If only I could have a child, then they would stay with me.

Over the years, the Lord managed to prove to me just how wrong I truly was about what I thought was certainty. The only thing I knew to be true was that someone did love me. I didn't need a ring on my finger to prove their love-they layed down their life for me. Even without the commitment on my part, they loved me unconditionally. Even if I could never bless them with a child, I was the person they would take care of until my dying breath.  It was in the final moments of desperation that I realized it was not about me at all.

In the time leading up to this realization, I had managed to taint the reputation I worked so strongly to have. As a young Christian, I wanted nothing more than to shout my testimony from the rooftop to lead others to Christ. Through my actions as an adult, however, I spoke otherwise.

It would be wrong to blame the downhill spiral of relationships on anyone but myself. I allowed myself to be compromised, I hid the truth from those I was close to, I exposed myself as someone that I promised I would never be, and in the end I hurt them just as much as they hurt me.

Even at the beginning of our relationship, I made decisions in my relationship with my husband that compromised his trust. Standing at a crossroads one fall, it was up to me to continue going down the path I knew was comfortable or do something different.

It was in slow motion as I sat in the quiet. It took me back to a busy street on a cold night. The lights changed from green to red as the signs ahead told me where to go.

Don't walk, run.

This time, rather than running into the arms of someone to hold me-I reached out for the one that could catch me at my lowest of my lows-my Savior. The decisions I made that year not only did wrong by my husband, but hurt those around me in the process. I strongly believe that I will forever be saddened at the thought of how much pain my selfishness caused those I loved. Forgiveness is all I can ask from them.

The Struggle

Part One.
I often struggle with the competing values I face on a daily basis. On one hand, I have the reality of "what I do" versus the mentality of "what I should be doing". 

Every day, I have the honor of serving others by helping to bless their marriage/relationship. I meet with approximately 60 of my "own" couples-reinforcing curriculum that I have specifically been trained and certified in. We meet in office visit rooms as we go over tools that can better equip them with the knowledge of how to resolve conflict and maintain a positive relationship through the birth of their child. We set up birth plans and discuss infant cues to help them understand their parenting role. The couples receive my services free of charge-no obstacles. Don't get me wrong...I love my job.

I love the "ah-ha" moments that come across an individual's face when they finally realize the real reason they have been fighting. I love seeing the journey they embark on together to resolve those problems and become stronger in doing so.  I love knowing that I have watched some of the best couples become better-and the worst couples become great. I have seen the jobless/homeless/helpless turn their lives around. I have witnessed the abused feel love, and the addicted be set free. I have seen some of the most well-to-do couples open up as they disclose the fact that material things mean nothing when their relationship is lacking affection and passion. My experiences become a testimony to those around me. I too have felt the heartache and pain. I have made mistakes that I cannot take back. I have focused more on the perception of others rather than what I really felt in my heart.

Not to mention-I have witnessed the birth of more babies than I can count, and grieved the loss of those that were taken home sooner than expected. I have consoled the broken hearted and offered a shoulder to lean on when they can't seem to get up. And, let me tell you right now, when I stand in front of a crowd of couples and teach something I am so deeply grounded in...I am in my element.

You see...as much as I love my job, I cannot help but feel the tug at my heart that I am not where I need to be.

I often feel like I'm either whining about the same old things, or rejoicing about how God has brought us through them.  However, the past several months have been anything but easy. Working 50 hour work weeks, pulling twelve hour days-teaching late at night, getting home at 10pm without spending any time with my husband and waking up to leave early the next day, being required to come in on weekends to "meet my couple's needs", keeping up with personal matters, spending the little time we have left with family/friends, and managing our own needs-which typically gets pushed to the side. I am definitely feeling the pressures of what everyone around me says is normal.

Let me just say this-I don't want to be normal anymore. I am not the poster child for the latest Wonder Woman campaign, nor do I feel I should be. I am human. I cannot do a million and one things because of this. I am the last person to want to do things half-heartedly and with all of the responsibilities I have been given I can't seem to get them all done to everyone's satisfaction.

My dream in life has always been to be a stay-at-home mom. I was so very blessed for my momma to have a flexible job where she could still be involved in each of our endeavors. She was always there when we needed her and managed to cook, clean, and play with us. She was Wonder Woman.

With our personal struggle with fertility problems, my dream in life was cut short when we first got married and disappointment became a reality. Medical debt piled up and we stretched every dime to pay for the next doctor's visit. We started going without-cutting back on "doing things" and started planning how to get ahead. My husband's goal of starting back to school and finding a career he loved was trumped by the little white envelopes showing up every month. What little money we saved went towards the bills or next mishap. Our home flooding, plumbling problems, hail damage, blown out tires, a new car, and yes-the last surgery.

When we committed to intercountry adoption, we knew the expense we were signing ourselves up for. We budgeted accordingly to make sure we put money aside each month-untouched. We estimated how long it would take and I started brainstorming how other parents had done the monstrous task. What we did not consider, however, was the fact that plans change.  My health continued to decline and we decided we needed to get away together. Not just for a break, but to help revive our marriage and help our bodies heal.

Our short-lived vacation was anything but relaxing. Our seventeen hour drive (one-way) proved to be just as exhausting as our work days. There was the constant reminder of finances as we arrived at the hotel and realized eating out was not an option. The trip, however, did provide me with a lot of thinking time.

During that time (and every moment of the days since then), I continue to feel the urgency that something in our lives has to change.  And, while sitting in church Sunday morning, my feelings were confirmed as the preacher spoke straight to me. Compelled by the Spirit, not knowing where to go...I am certain that God has other plans for my life. With lots of prayers and questions, I ask for Him to show me where to take the first step.

Just like a lamp only reveals the few feet in front of me, I am not certain of the path I will be on. I will, however, commit to taking a step towards my destiny by stepping away from the security that binds me here.

Day 724, A Whirlwind

For those of you that follow me on pinterest, I am certain you can tell by the overwhelming amount of new pins that I have had a little extra free time on my hands.  Yes, I am officially recovering from my surgery.

Thursday, May 30th, I woke up early (as if I could sleep much when I knew I was about to be cut open) and headed to the surgery center. With mixed times from the doctor's office and the surgery center, we showed up at 7:30am (just to be sure). They took my insurance information, verified the correct info on file, and took me back shortly to be prepped. Hubby was amazingly supportive. He held my hand as they poked and prodded and helped get me in my hospital gear.

My first nurse was Marilyn. She was the sweetest and only had to poke once to get my IV in!  She kept us company and discussed the previous week's tornado to pass the time. She prepared me for who all would be involved in the process and made sure I was comfy with fresh warm blankets.

After a while, two anesthesiologists made their way to my bed side and asked a million questions to make sure they knew everything about my history to help me be comfortable. After a terrible experience with a previous surgery, I told them my concerns and they put my mind to ease. The nurse anaesthetist would also be there to care for me if anything needed to be changed.

Then came the "regular nurse". Her name was Paula and she explained everything they had scheduled for the procedure. I began to feel a little queasy with the details, but she was very helpful and stated the doctor would be in shortly.

My doctor was more than great. He discussed everything, gave me the opportunity to ask questions, and addressed some serious questions in case it came down to the worst. Finally his resident came in and let me know he would be back with me.

Before I knew it, I was waking up (a little nauseous) and hurrying along to go home. I was a little faint, but they gave me something to help settle my stomach and rolled me to the car.

The first day I was in-and-out of it-mostly keeping myself comfortable as hubby and my mom would come in to take my temperature, give me fluids and medicine, and make sure I was doing okay. Knowing that hubby was going back to work the next day, I stayed at my parents' house so they could keep an eye on me.

Then, Friday came. Momma helped me get up & down and walked me into the living room to try to sit me up. I slept off and on again while watching tv and talking to her. It wasn't until about 2/3pm that things went from normal to terrible.  The news broke in and said people were getting off of work early and preparing for a storm moving in. With characteristics of the May 20th tornado in Moore, OK just a week prior, they prepared us for the worst. I spoke to my husband as he got off work and asked him to get the dogs and hurry over to my parents' as soon as he could so we wouldn't be separated. My sister, future brother-in-law, and niece were all there when it rolled in.

We took cover in the hallway as I managed to get myself down on the floor (in my pajamas and barefoot) and put the mattress over us. My sweet niece stuck my daddy's bike helmet on me as the sirens began to sound. We braced ourselves for the worst and took pictures off the wall as we heard the news state it was hitting El Reno and was due to arrive in approximately 20minutes.

Just as calm as could be, my daddy walked into the hall with the rest of the family as he stated we needed to go. The news was stating if we weren't underground, we wouldn't make it. We had to get as far South as possible.

Now, I have to admit a few things that were happening at this point: 1)I was on pain medicine and not necessarily in my right frame of mind, 2)I was still in my pjs and barefoot, 3)I was totally against leaving the house, and 4)I was screaming at my poor husband that he was taking me against my will as he helped me get into the car with our three fur babies.

That was when we did the dumbest thing we could have ever done-we split up.

Thinking we could simply get in our vehicles, drive down towards Tuttle past Mustang, and rescue ourselves and cars from any damage-we split up.

We were in my car, my momma was in her car, my daddy was in his pickup truck, and my sister was in her fiance's truck with my niece. As we rounded the corner to get out of the neighborhood (might I remind you that the sirens are going off at this point and we had approximately 16minutes before it was going to hit) we were met with bumper-to-bumper traffic and our plans stopped. 

At this point the tears worsened as I panicked and began dialing my family's phones to get ahold of someone, anyone.

Nothing.

We made it to the stoplight where we were to make a very important decision: turn South and hope we end up past this tornado, go straight and pray we make it to my grandparents' shelter in time before it comes. 

We chose to go straight.

Unfortunately, my family made the other choice and once again we were split up (now in different directions) with minutes counting down. As I got ahold of my sister, I talked them into going to my grandparents' house (knowing the worst place we could be is on the road getting swept up like a feather). Once at their house, we took cover with the other people from their church that took advantage of their large cellar. We continued to try to get in touch with my parents as we anxiously listened to the weather radio and large hail pelting overhead. Water seeped in through the sides as the ground began to get wet. It was headed straight towards us and seemed to be following the same route as my parents.

Let me just say, every detail of that night still haunts me.  It feels like a whirlwind of pain just thinking about the fact that I could have lost my parents-something that too many people in that storm know all too well. I couldn't keep my composure. I couldn't stop crying. Most importantly, I could not stop praying for God to protect my family and watch over them on the roads.

Please, please, please...

Momma and Daddy ended up halfway under an overpass in Moore, OK as the tornado tossed small debris through the air in front of them. Then, they faced the flooding waters as they trecked back home through trecherous waters.

We stayed at Gramma and Pawpaw's for a little while before making the journey ourselves to get back to the house. The uncertainty of what was ahead was nothing compared to the fear we had when we echoed "I love you" over and over while on the phone with my parents thinking we might never hear their voices again.

The roads were awful and the hail had yet to pass but once at their house, the electricity was on and the house seemed untouched. Thank God.

Momma and Daddy arrived at home close to midnight and all I could do was cry in relief as I hugged their necks.

A few busted stitches and an aching pain is something I will take any day of the week to know my family is safe. Thank you, Lord for keeping us all safe. I am so blessed.

A Calling

Over the years, I have come to love the feeling when my mind meets the page as I write. Whether in gratitude or despair, it never fails that I feel better when I can write my thoughts. I have said for quite some time that I have wanted to write a book.  There is something about the idea that my own words may circulate around the world and touch, even one soul.

No, it wouldn't be to boast or brag (for my story is far from something to be proud of at times). It wouldn't be to win an award or gain publicity (for sometimes the thought of being "known" is fearful in my heart). It is, however, for the simple joy of taking the memories that overflow my mind and putting them out there (maybe for closure in some cases). Maybe just one person will hear what I have to say and think, "I know exactly what you mean." It would be worth the pain to relive some of the heartache I have felt to know that someone may stop going down the path they have chosen at that time.

Therefore, I am playing with the idea of starting my book. Something I have toyed with for years (and started a few times prior). A book that no one may see worth reading, but I definitely feel it is worth telling.

Day 713

Every year my husband and I try to get away for a vacation-just the two of us. This year we struggled with whether or not we should go. With a surgery on the books coming up, and additional expenses coming out of our paychecks, we seriously considered staying at home and putting off our trip. Unfortunately, if my vacation time was not used prior to my surgery I would have had to use my time when I was off. This would mean I would miss out on the opportunity to get away at all this year.

With our health and attitudes going downhill, we made the last minute decision to go.

But where?

That seemed to be the infamous question. Before the extra medical expenses, we shot around the idea of going to Napa Valley to go horseback riding in the countryside. Stay in room with a view and a chance to see all nature had to offer (a horseback ride included).  Unfortunately, the trip was too long of a drive and flying was out of the question.

We talked about going back to Florida. Disney World? A chance to be a kid before we have kids; or, maybe down to the Florida Keys this time. Again, the driving distance seemed too much to tackle and we quickly tossed out that idea. Although, the beach seemed like the logical place to go for a vacation.

Colorado? Growing up, my family would take us kids on similar vacations across the southwest. Having been to Pikes Peak before, I thought it might be a nice trip to go up to the mountains and spend some time in a pretty lodge.  Maybe we could enjoy a ski trip and cozy fireplace to warm up to in the evenings.

Chicago?  What is there to do in Chicago besides go to a ballgame (not playing at the time), or chow down on bagels and pizza?

Georgia? I love Georgia peaches. The hillside in that area is breathtaking, and we considered making a trip through Greensboro, GA-just for the food. I researched places on the coastline and debated going to Savannah after remembering how beautiful my daddy described it after going on a business trip when I was younger. We could stay in Savannah one night, go to a honey bee company and tour the process/taste something sweet, have a night in town, and then head out to the beach for a getaway.

"You do realize that isn't a safe place to stay, don't you?"

My daddy quickly put that idea to rest when I let him know our plans. Therefore, I had my mind set up on Amelia Island. Aside from the fact that I just adore the name Amelia for a little girl, it was an exclusive section off the East coast-known for the wild horses that come through the sandy beaches. Known for its quaint bed and breakfasts, we would dine on the beach between candlelight and stay in private room overlooking the ocean in a gorgeous bed and breakfast. I could not wait!

Just kidding.

With the trip totaling over a 20 hour drive, we would have zero time to spend there. Not to mention the costs of some of these B&Bs were outrageous!

So, I planned the most romantic getaway to Pine Mountain, GA. We could sightsee and dine in mom and pop shops in the middle of town. Staying in a luxury hotel nestled amidst a 13,000 acre garden and nature preserve, we could take in the beauty of Callaway Gardens and explore nature at its finest.   Known for its beautiful gardens, hiking scenes, and animal adventure-it was perfect. I found hotels online and researched locations of each of the attractions in the area. We could even go horseback riding!

Sunday morning, we sat listened to the week's announcements as the pastor shared they were cancelling evening services due to the weather.

Wait, weather?

I didn't even think to look at the weather! So, I pulled up the national map on my phone as I watched the storms build throughout Oklahoma, Georgia, and Colorado. Then, down near the gulf was a perfectly sunny strip of shoreline.
Florida it is!

Already having packed outdoorsy weather, we had to rethink our belongings since we were now looking at three days on the beach. Tennis shoes were exchanged for flips. I tossed in a few towels and threw on a pair of sunglasses as I grabbed my floppy hat and camera.

*Enter loud obnoxiously scary noise here.

Suddenly, the tornado sirens rang as we were forced to put our plans on hold. We watched as the swirl grew in the sky-touching down just miles away from family north of our home. We waiting impatiently in the hallway with the pups and a mattress pulled off the master bed.  Finally, it passed and we were able to drive to take the granddogs to their Mimi and Papaw's.

We weren't on the road until approximately 8pm that evening. Knowing it was a 17hour drive there, we trekked across town as the sun set beside us. The night was long, but the drive was longer. As we made our way from state-to-state, we pushed through the darkness until the sun came out. Then, we continued to our final destination-relaxation.

Vast

...continued.

A young lady let us know that our table was ready as she walked us to our seats. After a few minutes of taking in the atmosphere, our waiter greeted us with the drink specials. We had a moment to browse the menu as we selected which entrees we would dare to try.

Hubby ordered the filet mignon (a sweet backup in case mine wasn't to my liking) while I had the rack of lamb. The chef brought us out a taste of salmon mousse (too bad I found out approximately two years ago that I am highly allergic to seafood). I politely pushed mine aside as the waiter gave us each two delicious dinner rolls-1)A sun-dried tomato puff  and 2)a delicious jalapeno with creamy boursin filling. Dinner arrived in a reasonable amount of time as we talked about our week.

My. Food. Was. Delicious.

The lamb was so tender that it fell apart with a fork. The juices were flavorful while the carrots and potatoes were just right. Hubby's steak was cooked perfectly while the garlic and butter perfectly melted into the meat.

If anyone knows me, they know that I am certainly a meat and potatoes kind of girl. That being said, I was leaning towards eating another helping before reaching for dessert; however, we ordered the waiter's recommendation for something sweet with a cup of coffee.

After filling ourselves to the brim, we finally decided to throw in the towel. We politely asked if there was a quiet place we could sit and admire the view as we were asked to take a seat on the bench. Being misunderstood, the manager came up to us and took us for a tour on the north side of the tower-asking what type of event we were looking to hold there. Embarrassed, we quickly let them know it was just for future endeavors and he slipped us his business card.

We walked to the elevator that seemed to go even faster while using gravity in its favor. I snapped a couple last photos as we made our way back to the pickup truck.  The air was cool, but my heart was warm as I reached for the hand of my husband. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the amount of love I have been blessed with.

Vast, Beyond all Measure

It's Friday, it's Friday,
My favorite day of the working week!

Partially because I only work a short day on Friday, partially because I spend the afternoon with my grandparents, and partially because it is the beginning of a great break from the routine-I love Fridays.

I started the day off right with Chick-fil-a chicken and biscuits (courtesy my amazing employer) and a chance to brag on my co-workers in our monthly meeting. After the usual what-nots around the office, I went back to my desk to play catch up (and fix the catch-all that my desk had become over the busy week). As a case manager, the appropriate caseload for an individual would be anywhere between 15-25 clients. On the flipside, my caseload has officially reached 65+. I often thank God for blessing me with a memory to keep track of their names, family histories, children's names, and important details to connect on their level. That same memory, however, can be seen as a blessing and a curse. I don't seem to forget anything.

I often find it difficult to separate work from my personal life. I mean, who wouldn't in my shoes? I go home and wonder if some of my couples will have a roof over their heads that evening, if they had running water or went without food again, if their children are being watched and taken care of, if their pasts are keeping them awake, and whether they are reliving the cycle of violence they grew up in. Therefore, Friday is my official cue that I don't have to worry about these things until the next week. I have provided resources and assistance alongside the education of the curriculum to keep these couples safe-if only for a weekend.

So, I wrapped up my day that morning and headed out for a few days with the fam.  First stop, Gramma and Pawpaw's.

I may or may not be a little bit spoiled loved. After picking up some meat to take to the parents for a delicious cookout the Sunday prior, I mentioned to my grandparents that we needed to buy some ribs to throw on the grill next time. Low and behold, I was greeted with a hug and a kiss from each of them, and a big plate of yummy barbecued ribs!  Homemade potato salad and strawberries n' cream were the perfect sides for a filling lunch.  We talked about the usual things we do every week and laughed our cares away.

Driving into the area, I spotted a garage sale sign around the corner from their house (one of my Gramma's favorite hobbies). We hopped in the van and ran around the nearby neighborhoods and spent our afternoon enjoying the sunshine.

On my way home, I called my sweet hubby to see if he had left the dungeon (AKA his job). I asked what the plans were for the evening and he said we were going to go out to eat.

"With the family?" I asked.

"No," he said, "we have reservations at 8:30pm.

He continued from there to let me know that we had reservations at Vast, a fancy restaurant at the top of the tallest building from here to the Mississippi (maybe). I was so shocked I couldn't help but argue with him. Sure enough, he got home and began to ask if I was going to get ready to go. I put on a pretty new dress and my bubblegum pink heels for a night on the town.

The sunset was beautiful, and I couldn't wait to get there. We were fortunate enough to find a parking place right up front (and it was FREE). The building seemed to reach into the sky and glistened in the light. 

All dolled up for dinner.

My handsome hubby in his trendy attire.

 

As we rounded the corner in the atrium, we spotted the sign to the restaurant. There was a hostess sitting outside the door and she asked our name. After hubby confirmed the reservations, she opened a large glass door and directed us to the elevators.

49th floor.

I do believe it took less time to get up to the 49th floor than it does to get to the second at my work. My ears popped three four times before we reached the top. My stomach turned a flip as I took one step off the elevator and had to reach for my husband. I literally felt like I stepped into a different state. We were directed to a long bench while we waited to be seated. The entire wait staff was dressed to a T as they made their way around the room effortlessly. Everyone walked at a steady pace-no rushing.

To be continued...

I've Got Sunshine.

It doesn't seem too much to ask to have expectations for your birthday. I suppose I just thought it would be nice if the entire world (including the sunshine) would want to wake up that morning and celebrate...well...me. You can imagine my disappointment when I looked at the weather the day before my birthday and saw that a record low would be making its way into Oklahoma on the following day.

You can imagine my reaction when I rounded the corner after venting to my coworkers, only to find a beautiful banner with the words, "I've got sunshine on my birthday". Encircling my entire desk, picture after picture of sunshine surrounded me. All I could do was shed a happy tear and hug the necks of those I share 8 or more hours of my day with.

The following morning I went to bed only to wake up to my husbands cheerful voice singing happy birthday and beautiful clothes hanging in front of me-a peach floral dress and a sheer top (with appropriate attire to wear beneath them).

Once at work, I was greeted with a beautiful card and homemade strawberry jam (my favorite).







I rushed off that morning to attend my first meeting and wrapped it up with a sweet birthday wish and striped pink bag. Inside was a package of my favorite ink pens and bright-yellow wallet.








Minutes later, my coworkers called me into the supervisor's office where each of my friends stood around delicious angel-food cakes, a handmade banner with personal notes, and a sweet card each of them signed. As I stood there, they asked me to open the card-only to find an additional note sharing how much they cared about me. Then, paperclipped behind the note was...

...$103.00.

I. was. speechless.

Tears flooded my face as I thought of each of the sacrifices my coworkers must have made to contribute to making my birthday special. Money is tight, and we certainly don't do what we do for the cash.

"Thank you," was all I could say as the tears continued to stream down my cheeks.

I spent my lunch hour trying to do justice for the gift I had received-making thank you emails to each of my coworkers.  Then, I went about my day.

That night was equally as special as I wrapped up at my desk and found a single yellow rose and a sticky note from a dear friend. "Happy Birthday. Thought your day deserved some bright and cheery! Love, Ginger".

Wow.

I walked in to teach my class only to be greeted with two of the sweetest people I have the pleasure of serving. In their hands was a large white bag as they shared they had brought me some delicious goodies to celebrate my big day, and boy were they delicious!

I shared the yummy brownies and cookies that the dad had brought from his work at the Devon towers downtown (he is such a talented chef). Then, we wrapped up class that evening with everyone singing in chorus that birthday song!

I couldn't wait to get home to my hubby and share my day with him. That night I ended it the same day it began-with a hug and a kiss from the man of my dreams.

Sunshine-filled days are the best.

God

There are several things that I have grown inevitably closer to as time goes on. First, and foremost, is my personal relationship with God. He has taught me true dependency. Without Him, I don't exist.

You see, it is somewhat difficult to continually look at the purpose behind the heartache. In my heart, I know that God has a plan and His timing is infinitely better than my own. In my head, however, I question the storm I am prisoner of-the strong winds that blow, the clouds that block the sunshine, and the rain that pounds in my soul. I am surrounded by happy families that sweep me up in a whirlwind, the financial and emotional barriers to getting our little girl home and the neverending rut of unexpected bills, and the tears that well up inside at the lack of understanding from those around me.  I often feel trapped like the car on the side of the road-stuck until the rain lessens and provides clarity of the path to get home.

Sometimes the most meaningful conversations come out of the moments when you can't seem to lift your head off the ground. Your face is pressed tightly against the floor as you pray for the tunnel to pass and hold on with every ounce of your being until the sirens fade. You pray for your life and you learn very suddently to depend on God.

In the past I found myself constantly searching for the approval from others, never stopping to see the beauty within that He created me to be. I pray for my actions to reflect what He designed my life to be. I yearned for acceptance and would bend to meet others where they were. I compromised.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

...and birthdays!

The Friday before my birthday I had the opportunity to go over to my grandparents' house after getting off of work early. This is one of my favorite days of the week that I get the honor of spending with two of the sweetest, most inspirational people in the world.

A few weeks ago, my sweet Gramma fixed me a wilted salad for lunch. I didn't know what I was missing until then! Leaf lettuce, radishes, green onions, bacon crumbles...what isn't to love? And, after sharing how yummy the experience was, she decided to make it again.

With Spring in the air, we decided it was garage sale weather and sweet hubby took off to lay out a few items in the driveway. Therefore, he too had the pleasure of a Friday afternoon with the grandparents.

After enjoying our delicious salad and cornbread, we headed to the house and spent the afternoon in the front yard. The sun was warm, but the wind was chilly. Getting a late start, not very many people came to our humble abode to purchase their long-lost treasures. We decided to call it a night and try again in the morning when the crowd was there.

That evening we decided to enjoy dinner with the fam at our favorite taco truck. We stuffed our stomachs full of delicious coffee-rubbed steak meat before topping it off with a cup of jo at our new BJ's.

We turned into the parking lot to enjoy Pizookies and ice cream just as the storm came in. We ran through the rain and stayed long enough to shut the place down. Knowing we had to get up early for our garage sale, we called it a night and headed home.

Apparently the storm we felt was just the icing on the cake for the main event in our neighborhood. Tree limbs were down, leaves were everywhere, and piles of hail stood inches thick at our house.

The next morning, my sweet hubby woke me up early to get a head start on our sale.  He decided it would be best to start the day off with a yummy donut from our local shop. We drove down the street into town and picked up a couple paper bags with sweet bakery treats. As we headed back onto the interstate, Mr. I'mgoodattwistingthetruth "missed" the turn to get back to our house. I calmly pointed it out as he stated we had no where to be and would take the long way home. Which I believed until...

...we started driving to Midwest City.

At this point, I noticed hubby looking at his phone and picking up an envelope with scribbles all over it. I asked where we were going and if he needed help. Of course he declined and headed off the highway onto a dirt road. "Stanley Draper Lake" the sign read.

"I think I went the wrong way," he stated.

Again, I offered to help after letting him know we might need to find a nearby ladies' room when he found out where he was.

We rounded the corner as he rolled down the window where a car was coming in the opposite direction. Thinking he was asking for directions, I was shocked to see my parents in the car beside us.

"What are you doing here?" I questioned.

"Looking for you," they continued as my husband mentioned we needed to find a restroom facility.

We drove to the marina to take a potty break where I learned my husband had been planning an adventure for the entire family to celebrate my birthday. I have always wanted to go horseback riding, and although I had been on a sluggish trail years ago, I yearned to open the reigns and gallop in the country.

Much to my surprise, he had planned for the two of us to spend two full hours on the happy trails with my parents, sister and future brother-in-law, and six year old niece.

Yipppee!!

Surgery- Part Deux

It has been a little over a year since my last surgery. For the last decade, I have struggled with personal health problems. It seems like a never-ending battle of pokes and prods, tests and results, diagnosis and treatments, and ongoing symptoms.

October of 2011 brought, yet another, ache and pain. After going to my regular doctor, I was lead to believe (once again) that medication was the only solution to my problems. I was anything but satisfied with this answer and chose to ask around for some leads as to where else I could turn.

This time I took the not so subtle hint my body was giving me and transferred to a different physician to see if they could find anything the other millions of doctors hadn't. My doctor was very persistent and hopeful that she could help me. With one round of testing, I officially had "something" that might serve as an answer. In fact, by the beginning of January I was in an awful hospital gown counting down as the surgeon began to remove the mass they had found.

The surgery went smoothly, but my body had a difficult time waking up after the anesthesia. In fact, after making it home I was back in the doctor's office taking care of minor complications that couldn't have been predicted. I thank the good Lord that the issues unraveled the way they did as He continued to provide for me and take care of my body-even under the doctor's own mistakes and allow us the finances to pay off the measly $4300+ it cost us.

The last year I have lived hopeful that all was solved and I was going to finally live the life I had dreamt of.

Pain? What's that? 

Nagging symptoms? Non-existent.

A new job, wrapping up my final studies to obtain my certification, trainings and new opportunities-the year was filled with blessings.

However, January 2013 brought another unexpected turn. The symptoms I thought were in the past were sneaking back into my life. In denial, I waited until March before finally going to the doctor. This time, the physician that  was previously hopeful and wouldn't give up on me had decided there was nothing more she could do.

After speaking with those around me, I finally went to a well renowned specialist in the metro. The PA was amazing and spoke to both my husband and me about the hope that lies ahead. Shining light on that which could be positive, she immediately got me in for testing. Three trips for blood work and one diagnostic center later, I had some clarity. The tests had shown that my body wasn't producing what it should be and may need a little help to do so. On the other hand, there were two more masses where the one had been a year prior. They wanted to schedule surgery as soon as possible to take care of them and another procedure to help one of my organs work properly.

So, here I am. It is three days before my birthday...just a few weeks from our anniversary. A few weeks ago I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my sweet hubby and now I'm planning on putting a down payment on another surgery.

How much will it be this time? I can't help but ask as I watch our savings dwindle even more and the wish of being a mom slip farther away. It's frustrating to think that each time we seem to get one step ahead, we fall two more behind. A penny saved becomes a nickel spent. I often ask God why the journey to our baby girl is such a long one. When others around me spend nine months in preparation for their little one, we spend years. When they are sent a bill when they leave the hospital with their baby in their arms, we must have $30K up front. When others start piggy banks and set up savings accounts, we are breaking into ours and setting up payment plans.

Just as before, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of support God has graced us with:
Physicians to lead us and be used as instruments for God's healing power,
Friends and family to pray for us and lay their hands on our aching hearts,
A Lord that loves us unconditionally and doesn't mind the questioning when we don't understand, and the God of the universe that holds time in His hands and knows all the answers we long to know.

I know in the end, you are so worth it baby Bailey. The struggles and heart aches that we experience now will shape us for tomorrow. Amidst all the pain and frustrations, I am so very blessed with that which I do have-a roof over my head, a full belly, and a family full of love. Your daddy loves me so much and puts up with quite an awful lot of things from me. He listens to my vents and stands beside me to help push me along when I don't always want to do what needs to be done. He is there. Period. He never leaves when things get hard. He teaches me patience and doesn't mind the wait. It makes me realize that I am blessed with the time to wait.

Little one, you are so blessed to have the family I see standing beside me over the years.  I cannot wait for you to meet them; but, until we can hold you in our arms we hold you in our hearts and prayers. You are so very loved, and even though your mommy is a little scared about these surgeries, I know it is the right thing to do to get me closer to you. 

Day 669

Satan soon found a way to rear his ugly head in our hopes.

Come January, I began to get sick again and things went downhill. For months I went through the same cycle I knew too well. My heart broke as I knew there was nothing I could do on my own to fix me. I began to pray for God to lead me to the physicians that would provide clarity. Then, in March of this year, I was led to a specialist. They poked and prodded, drew blood and measured hormones, sent me to different facilities until they ultimately led me to this day.

April 5th I sat uncomfortable, alone, in a dark room as they examined the possibilities. I thought I was fine, but my body remembered the pain of my past as it shook in fear. It couldn't end fast enough as I was told to get dressed and they would come and get me and my husband momentarily. "I found something," he said.

Not one, but two places were back this time. Not to mention potential damage to one side that could result in removing the tube. "If you were to get pregnant right now, the baby wouldn't survive."

I remember walking out in a daze from that building. My family surrounded me, yet I felt so very alone. No one could understand at that very moment the hurt that overcame me-not even my husband.  "We just need to make sure that you're taken care of," he said.

I felt helpless and angry. Emotions consumed me as I continued to mourn the loss of my dreams.

"Why, God? When all I have ever wanted was to be a wife...to be a mom?"

Bye, bye love

After almost a decade of doing the selfless duty of caring for others, I had to say goodbye to my sweet, little car. Her silver paint was like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, and her sunroof-a breath of fresh air. She drove me safely from point A to point B every day. She never complained that she didn't get to pick where to go when we traveled, but always let me choose what I wanted to do that day.  She provided a roof over my head and protected me from more storms than I could count. And, when I crossed the wrong person many years ago, she protected me from the pain and took the hit instead of me.

Yes, I have a lot of thank yous to say to my sweet Grand Am. She never caused even a scratch to harm me. She exposed herself to be vulnerable to others-curb after curb(after curb)-never complaining to give her more space when I got her a little too close to others. She never seemed embarrassed that I was with her, and always gave me a positive word when I turned on the radio. Her music comforted me and her seats provided a safe place to rest my head when working three jobs in college.

December 29, 2012 was a page turned that will change our friendship forever. As I turned the same key I had used, all those times before, something was different. Instead of doing what I wanted her to do, she finally put her foot down. At that very moment, I knew that things would never be the same. I could no longer count on her to be there for me when I needed a place to go. I could no longer ask for her help when the weather was too cold to bear. And above else, I could never feel the same safety I felt all those times before. No, my sweet Grandma Lydia was trying to say something that was too hard to swallow. She was trying to tell me 'goodbye'.

As my husband and I drove across town to look for a new car, I was overwhelmed with sadness. How could I possibly give this up?  I don't have to pay for her love, she just gives it.  But a new car?  I must earn that trust all over again, one penny at a time.

I knew from the time I sat in her seats that she wasn't the same, and after speaking to her owner I decided it was too soon to give her up.

Driving home, we decided to take one last look. This time, at a dealership down the street from our house-one I passed weekly. There, from the moment I first saw her, I knew she was the one that was going to start a new chapter in our book. Seeing the price tag on her window was instantly an obstacle, but patiently waiting for a change of heart-her owner decided to take less. It was hard to walk away from the deal, knowing that she could have been the one, but I knew it was one more day with my sweet car and too much to pay for her loyalty.

Just then, as we pulled out of the parking place, something terrifying and wonderful happened. I knew her voice like my own, every squeak and squeal, but this time was different. This time-it was for good. She wouldn't start. She wouldn't move. We begged her to move, but she wouldn't. With tears in my eyes, I cried out, "Please, no. Not now". And, as if by a miracle she heard me.

She started slow but got us home. We took it as a sign to call them back. I knew it would be hard, but worth it in the end; and, I knew it was time for her to go.

December 31, 2012 I traded in my beautiful, silver car for someone else.

Meet my new car: