The Plea

Part Two.
When I said I do it was with the intentions that our marriage would directly illustrate the love between Christ and the Church. 

I would be lying if I said that my perception of marriage was always this way. Just as His people are sin-filled and undeserving, I had come with a lot of baggage and mistakes. When my husband and I started dating, I was less than perfect. I selfishly clung to the things of my past, to the security of what was certain. I wanted so badly to be loved, but struggled with the concept that anyone would ever want me. If only I had a ring on my finger, then I might feel like someone wanted me. If only I were married, then they couldn't leave me. If only I could have a child, then they would stay with me.

Over the years, the Lord managed to prove to me just how wrong I truly was about what I thought was certainty. The only thing I knew to be true was that someone did love me. I didn't need a ring on my finger to prove their love-they layed down their life for me. Even without the commitment on my part, they loved me unconditionally. Even if I could never bless them with a child, I was the person they would take care of until my dying breath.  It was in the final moments of desperation that I realized it was not about me at all.

In the time leading up to this realization, I had managed to taint the reputation I worked so strongly to have. As a young Christian, I wanted nothing more than to shout my testimony from the rooftop to lead others to Christ. Through my actions as an adult, however, I spoke otherwise.

It would be wrong to blame the downhill spiral of relationships on anyone but myself. I allowed myself to be compromised, I hid the truth from those I was close to, I exposed myself as someone that I promised I would never be, and in the end I hurt them just as much as they hurt me.

Even at the beginning of our relationship, I made decisions in my relationship with my husband that compromised his trust. Standing at a crossroads one fall, it was up to me to continue going down the path I knew was comfortable or do something different.

It was in slow motion as I sat in the quiet. It took me back to a busy street on a cold night. The lights changed from green to red as the signs ahead told me where to go.

Don't walk, run.

This time, rather than running into the arms of someone to hold me-I reached out for the one that could catch me at my lowest of my lows-my Savior. The decisions I made that year not only did wrong by my husband, but hurt those around me in the process. I strongly believe that I will forever be saddened at the thought of how much pain my selfishness caused those I loved. Forgiveness is all I can ask from them.