A bug in my soup...

...or at least in my ravioli.

Have you ever just had one of "those days"?  Well, I'm fairly certain that I am having one of those months. Despite my best efforts to stay very positive amidst this Spiritual warfare going on around me, I finally feel that I am at my wits end today.  The last few weeks have been weighing heavily on my heart.

I mentioned before how often I struggle with all my job takes away from my family.  Just when I started to think, "Well, I can just stay part-time," I hit the jackpot of all weeks. I taught a class one evening that seriously made me question whether or not I wanted to ever teach again, I had two domestic violence cases in my office, I met with a couple that just couldn't put aside their feelings to think about their daughter, and one of my most committed couples confessed he was caught having an affair.  Then, after a very long day of work we finally wrapped things up to eat dinner together immediately before going to bed. With no time to blink, I warmed some not-so-delicious-or-nutritious canned ravioli at half past 10pm. It wasn't until the final bite that my sweet hubby offered to let me finish the bowl. Thus, I cut the last piece to split as I brought the spoon up to my mouth-only to find a rather large mosquito, wings and stinger fully intact, cooked into the pasta. There is nothing worse than a bug in your soup to make you sick.

If you think that was a lot, I added an additional three domestic violence cases to my mental list of frustrations and recently heard the heart-wrenching news that one of the dads in my caseload passed away from cancer.  I feel like there is constantly something adding itself to my plate. The weekends are suddenly filled with a never-ending list of to dos and the weeks drag on (and on).

I. Am. Exhausted.

Sleep? What's that? Every night I find myself racing through the upcoming day's agenda and everything else that I am about to take on. I pray repeatedly that something will break this cycle of: snooze button, panick, snooze button, rush, work/work/work, listen, overload, cry, wipe the tears and suck it up, work/work/work, leave late, rush, kiss 'hello', eat, lay down, think, count sheep, imagine how much sleep I should be getting, stare at the ceiling, alarm sounds-snooze button.  In fact, my mind has hit the point that it is seriously difficult to get up in the mornings. I feel this overwhelming response to the sunshine in the mornings that makes it hard to breathe.

Amidst all that time I spend not sleeping, I manage to think a lot about what changes need to happen. I had the rude awakening of Spiritual discernment that the more I teach others they can do things without the love of Christ-the more I am actually leading them away from Him. Wow, what a statement.

Not to mention the fact that the very things I get to spend endless hours teaching to others to improve their relationships is draining me from the energy to do the same for mine. Thus, I am sitting here going through the motions until God slams open a door in front of us.

Dear Lord,
   Please open a door so large that we cannot help but run through it fullspeed ahead. Please take charge of our careers, our finances, our dreams, our future family, and our marriage. Please give us rest that comes from you alone-a peace that fades out all anxieties surrounding us. Give us financial peace so that the decisions we make will not be measured in money alone.  Allow us to live lives that glorify Your kingdom and purpose. Grant us the ability to be generous to those around us while drawing boundaries to protect what Satan so easily will try to destroy. Remove any foothold that we may have allowed him to have in our lives. Give us a change-a change of routine, a change of struggling every day, and a change of heart. Lessen our loads to help carry Your name in a way that best represents the love You have for us. Create the perfect position for Joshua to fall into, soon. More than a job or a way to "make a living", but rather a way of living the life You want him to have. Use the money we have to multiply it into the things you want for us. Give him a vision for what our family can achieve and the passion to pursue it. Give us the courage to walk through this path together and set sail without the fear of the storms we have faced behind us. Take hold of our future and shape it in a way that the signs align perfectly so we cannot help but choose You. Grant me the ability to stand behind his decisions, knowing that You are mercifully directing his choices. Bless us with a family that will be resilient enough to be different than the normal things I face every day. Allow us to be different. Let me stay home with our children to watch them grow and guide them to follow you and lead others. Help me make it through the day.

Amen.