Helpless

Helpless.

There is nothing quite like the feeling associated with that one word; and, last week I felt totally and completely helpless.

Monday morning started as any other day at work. It was rush, rush, rush...work, work, work. My head ached from talking to the brick wall I faced in office visits. That is until about 3pm as I received the painful phone call that one of the dads in my program tried to take his life.

Aside from choking back the sickness that overcame me, all I could do was listen in disbelief as I offered a supportive ear. I wrapped up the phone call as I held back the tears that wanted to flood my eyes. The details made me hurt and all I could do was move in robotic mode to try to get my last few visits taken care of.  I left in a hurry as I ran down the stairs and through the parking lot. I held it in until I got to my car, and then the emotion found me.

Helpless.

How could someone get to that point?  To the point where their own life seemed completely worthless that they feel the better option is to not have one? Why? Why was I such a coward in my last conversation with him that I couldn't just speak up and say the very thing that could have saved him?  Why didn't I say, "No, you can't do this alone. You really need God as your Lord and Savior to restore your marriage"?

Excuses.

I can tell you why...it was because I received the threat when I first took this position that despite my best intentions, any voice of God could jeopardize all of our efforts as a program and could cause others to lose their job. What is more important though, a job or someone's eternity?

Helpless.

I drove home that night with the thoughts racing that I should have been better at my real job-leading others to Christ.  The next day brought more stress with it.  After a rough day of putting on a happy face and pretending to be okay, I was faced with a conversation that ended with the outcome being out of my hands.

Helpless.

My husband was more than supportive as he shared that he would stand beside me no matter what I chose to do.  He discussed getting a second job to pick up my slack, but I knew better than to place that burden on him. I was jumping the gun. The worst case scenario hadn't happened yet. I decided to wait.

Helpless.

The next day I went through the motions until just after lunch time. After receiving word that my greatest fear came true, I lost it.  I lost all control over hiding. I lost myself and gave it over to God.

I prayed for God to take the pain and confusion away and provide answers. I prayed for His direction to be made evident in my life. I prayed for healing for the hurt families around me. I prayed for wisdom and bravery to do what is right by God's standards-not the world's. I prayed to be used and moved so that the limits of sharing His glory would have no boundaries. I prayed for rest.

That day I received a phone call that could lead to bigger, better things for the kingdom of God. My boss gave me two days off for personal time to restore my spirit. Those two things worked together in a way only God could have provided.

Thank you, Lord for open doors.

Therefore,  I'm standing here with arms wide open waiting for God's timing to mold me into what He wants for my life. I pray that you will stand in agreement with me and my family as we go into this journey ahead-not aware of what lies before us.  Pray for being quick to respond and eager to obey-no turning back.  Pray for thanksgiving in our weakest moments. That we may be grateful for the times we are helpless because God provides hope.