It has been a little over a year since my last surgery. For the last decade, I have struggled with personal health problems. It seems like a never-ending battle of pokes and prods, tests and results, diagnosis and treatments, and ongoing symptoms.
October of 2011 brought, yet another, ache and pain. After going to my regular doctor, I was lead to believe (once again) that medication was the only solution to my problems. I was anything but satisfied with this answer and chose to ask around for some leads as to where else I could turn.
This time I took the not so subtle hint my body was giving me and transferred to a different physician to see if they could find anything the other millions of doctors hadn't. My doctor was very persistent and hopeful that she could help me. With one round of testing, I officially had "something" that might serve as an answer. In fact, by the beginning of January I was in an awful hospital gown counting down as the surgeon began to remove the mass they had found.
The surgery went smoothly, but my body had a difficult time waking up after the anesthesia. In fact, after making it home I was back in the doctor's office taking care of minor complications that couldn't have been predicted. I thank the good Lord that the issues unraveled the way they did as He continued to provide for me and take care of my body-even under the doctor's own mistakes and allow us the finances to pay off the measly $4300+ it cost us.
The last year I have lived hopeful that all was solved and I was going to finally live the life I had dreamt of.
Pain? What's that?
Nagging symptoms? Non-existent.
A new job, wrapping up my final studies to obtain my certification, trainings and new opportunities-the year was filled with blessings.
However, January 2013 brought another unexpected turn. The symptoms I thought were in the past were sneaking back into my life. In denial, I waited until March before finally going to the doctor. This time, the physician that was previously hopeful and wouldn't give up on me had decided there was nothing more she could do.
After speaking with those around me, I finally went to a well renowned specialist in the metro. The PA was amazing and spoke to both my husband and me about the hope that lies ahead. Shining light on that which could be positive, she immediately got me in for testing. Three trips for blood work and one diagnostic center later, I had some clarity. The tests had shown that my body wasn't producing what it should be and may need a little help to do so. On the other hand, there were two more masses where the one had been a year prior. They wanted to schedule surgery as soon as possible to take care of them and another procedure to help one of my organs work properly.
So, here I am. It is three days before my birthday...just a few weeks from our anniversary. A few weeks ago I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my sweet hubby and now I'm planning on putting a down payment on another surgery.
How much will it be this time? I can't help but ask as I watch our savings dwindle even more and the wish of being a mom slip farther away. It's frustrating to think that each time we seem to get one step ahead, we fall two more behind. A penny saved becomes a nickel spent. I often ask God why the journey to our baby girl is such a long one. When others around me spend nine months in preparation for their little one, we spend years. When they are sent a bill when they leave the hospital with their baby in their arms, we must have $30K up front. When others start piggy banks and set up savings accounts, we are breaking into ours and setting up payment plans.
Just as before, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of support God has graced us with:
Physicians to lead us and be used as instruments for God's healing power,
Friends and family to pray for us and lay their hands on our aching hearts,
A Lord that loves us unconditionally and doesn't mind the questioning when we don't understand, and the God of the universe that holds time in His hands and knows all the answers we long to know.
I know in the end, you are so worth it baby Bailey. The struggles and heart aches that we experience now will shape us for tomorrow. Amidst all the pain and frustrations, I am so very blessed with that which I do have-a roof over my head, a full belly, and a family full of love. Your daddy loves me so much and puts up with quite an awful lot of things from me. He listens to my vents and stands beside me to help push me along when I don't always want to do what needs to be done. He is there. Period. He never leaves when things get hard. He teaches me patience and doesn't mind the wait. It makes me realize that I am blessed with the time to wait.
Little one, you are so blessed to have the family I see standing beside me over the years. I cannot wait for you to meet them; but, until we can hold you in our arms we hold you in our hearts and prayers. You are so very loved, and even though your mommy is a little scared about these surgeries, I know it is the right thing to do to get me closer to you.
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