All In

I remember as a little girl, praying to be a mom.  I would wrap my baby dolls lovingly in the very blanket thtat I was sent home in from the hospital.  Over time, my imagination would get the best of me as I would "play house" with my best friends.  I would have a daughter named "Celeste Paige" and for some reason I had a British accent (we were just kids).

Once in high school, the dating began.  We would talk of the future--college, marriage, kids.  That was probably the time I first longed for a family of my own.  I was so blessed to have my grandparents, parents, sister, and cousins.  I couldn't wait for that to be me.

I would talk to my aunt, "Shurn-Shurn", and share my latest crush.  She was so special to me and I felt my heart break that my kids would never meet her.

What kids?

True.  I didn't have my family yet; but, even then I was thinking of them.

Fast forward to college.  I had dates and "serious boyfriends".  I even tried rushing into settling down.  Let's just say God's timing and His plans are infinitely better than my own.  Only by His grace am I where I am today.

I've come a long way from baby dolls and boyfriends.  However, the dreams are the same--I long to be a mom.  I pray to bless my husband with one of the greatest gifts.  I want, more than anything, to be a family.

A little over three years into our marriage, and here we are.  From the day we said, "I do," we began the journey of parenthood.  Two surgeries, one round of "light fertility treatment", and more negative pregnancy tests than I care to relive, brought us to this.

Honestly, I would be lying if I said the decision has been easy.  In a marriage where two people are so different, there are countless arguments and tears.  We don't have a"perfect marriage" and there have been nights that make me question everything.  It is easy to pull out the skeletons in the closet in the darkness and emptiness of the living room couch.  Yes, we have had our share of fights.  So much so, that getting to this point has been an internal battle.

I often wondered if children would have come easier, if we would have been different.  I questioned whether we were fit to be parents.  If we couldn't be on the same page about our marriage, how could we possibly parent together?  In fact, it hurts sometimes to grieve the loss of the other dreams that didn't come true in a world of selfishness and deceit.

We are fed fairy tales and lies.  We are taught that we are more important than others and everyone owes us happiness.  Never-the-less, the lack of love and compassion is hurtful.

Even recently, I have found myself feeling lost and misunderstood.  Didn't I marry my soulmate?  Doesn't he hurt when I hurt?  Can he feel my pain without me saying a word?

Yes, marriage is hard.

It doesn't always result in "happily ever after".  It does, however, promise challenges.  And, I believe we can overcome them with the strength of the Lord.  So, we made the choice to continue our journey in the hopes of our little ones.  Wednesday, July 30th we officially had our (second) consultation with Dr. Karl Hansen of OU Medical.  (We met following my second surgery last year, but didn't choose to begin treatment).

Due to the chances of pregnancy being so low with an IUI, we chose to go "all the way in" and do IVF.  The doctor explained the process and medications I would take.

Shots daily for two weeks--Yikes!

Although I shared that the hormones were my biggest fear because of how my body had reacted in the past, he was so great to take what I said into consideration and put me on a different medicine.  Thus, we went over the cost and waiting for "the call".

Oh, did I mention it will cost between $16,000-$18,000?

Just the finances alone is enough to make you stress out.  Fortunately, we knew where a large portion of that would come from, but underestimated the cost of medication.  That meant we had to come up with approximately $4,000 in the next month.

Crazy.

I began listing things for sale...clothes, decorations, furniture...and I prayed like crazy.

Then, I gave it over to God.