"Brittany?
Brittany."
"Here!"
I sneaked in the side door to the auditorium just as the director called my name for roll. Suddenly, I was taken back to my college days and felt as if I was the final student making my way into the classroom when the teacher took attendance. I took my seat and was immediately remorseful as she shared the importance of being prompt and respecting everyone's time.
Wow, what a great first impression.
With most of us meeting for the first time, we were asked to go around the room at introduce ourselves and state why we were there. Several of the women spoke up about the fact that they were there "to win Mrs. Oklahoma". One of the women even joked that no one came to "win first runner-up". Ginger shared about her passions and the drive that brought her there. I was just...honest.
I shared that I felt called to do this, and I had no idea why God placed me there. I was looking forward to learning what His plan would entail.
We listened to a few inspirational stories before making our way onto the stage for rehearsal. After practicing with Ginger, I was confident I would know exactly what to do.
Wrong.
The show changed directions entirely, and I was starting back at square one. Most of the women there had competed multiple times prior, and I could feel my insecurities start to surface. The heels I had intentionally picked out to add some height were instantly a regret as I struggled to make myself look graceful.
Let me reiterate that.
I struggled.
For those of you out there that haven't participated in a pageant, let me just stop you before you minimize how much work goes into one. There is nothing easy about it. The financial requirements, stress, emotions, criticism, and effort take a lot out of you. And, this hit me about the time we started to practice our opening number.
Those of you that have been graced by my presence when dancing, you know. Any of you that haven't seen my two left feet can only imagine how bad it really was. So, let me start off by saying that I have no rythym.
First of all, the beautiful and talented, Austen Williams (Mrs. America 2013) stepped in front of us as a choeographer. Let me just say, she is out of this world. As a minister of the Gospel, I admire her so much. She is an unbelievable role model and has a personality like a dynamite. She is amazing...and, she has rythym.
So, when she began to say things like "up, down" my hips had no idea to what she was referring to. As she would count things off, I would think, "I can count, right?" However, counting and keeping to the beat are two different things. I began to push harder and was determined to get it down. Then, I noticed a few of my peers struggling in the same things.
"Whew, what a relief."
I chose to speak up for all of us. I asked questions and became "that girl". I watched attentively to those around me. When I noticed the look of frustration come across their face, I reminded them of their accomplishments. I began to think less of how I looked in front of everyone, and thought more of these women that I considered friends.
"Friends don't let friends go out looking crazy," Austen said.
That resonated with me in a way that I cannot explain. I will love each of these girls and put them first. If they need something, I will be there. When they feel like giving up, I will lift them up. I will love the least of these.
Practice flew by, and the day disappeared shortly after. I rushed to check in at the hotel as I met my husband for our dinner party. My attitude was very solemn as I began to reflect on what everything meant. At that moment, I knew I had lost and won all at the same time. It was evident that this was the purpose I had in coming to Mrs. Oklahoma.
I just remember thinking, "it isn't about you".
Thursday, March 27, 2014
My Journey to Mrs. Oklahoma, Run Forest, Run
Following our photo shoot, we were encouraged to change back into normal clothes and meet in the auditorium for orientation.
"Wait, normal clothes?"
It suddenly occurred to me that all of my clothes (including undergarments) were in the back of my car, parked across the street. Aside from that, my pretty little sundress was upstairs on the opposite end of the building. Wearing 6" heels, running in them was not an option. I had one of two options at this point. 1)Wear my suit under my dress for the rest of the day, risking that all of the sequins would fall off and potentially ruin my shot of getting to wear it on stage the next day, or 2)run barefoot outside (in the freezing cold), in my swimsuit.
At the time, it sounded much better to do the second. Thus, I took off my shoes and ran as fast as I could down the beautiful steps of the Scottish Rites Temple. Only to heighten my embarrassment, I ran in front of three adolescent boys that sat right outside the door. The more I ran, the higher my suit decided to rise in the back and the redder my face became.
"Did you see that? Did you see that?" one of the boys stated.
He continued to raise his voice as he shared that, "this is the temple we need to worship at because that is something to worship."
My head went down as I made my way from my car back inside, but this boy had no shame.
"Stop staring, you're making it obvious," his friend stated.
"It is supposed to be obvious," he finished as I ran inside.
Well, there is nothing quite like an ego boost to make you forget about your flaws. As silly as it sounds, I think that was exactly what I needed to hear to realize that no one sees the little things I find when I look in the mirror.
I continued to run upstairs and all modesty went out the window as I rushed into my clothes to avoid being late to orientation.
"Wait, normal clothes?"
It suddenly occurred to me that all of my clothes (including undergarments) were in the back of my car, parked across the street. Aside from that, my pretty little sundress was upstairs on the opposite end of the building. Wearing 6" heels, running in them was not an option. I had one of two options at this point. 1)Wear my suit under my dress for the rest of the day, risking that all of the sequins would fall off and potentially ruin my shot of getting to wear it on stage the next day, or 2)run barefoot outside (in the freezing cold), in my swimsuit.
At the time, it sounded much better to do the second. Thus, I took off my shoes and ran as fast as I could down the beautiful steps of the Scottish Rites Temple. Only to heighten my embarrassment, I ran in front of three adolescent boys that sat right outside the door. The more I ran, the higher my suit decided to rise in the back and the redder my face became.
"Did you see that? Did you see that?" one of the boys stated.
He continued to raise his voice as he shared that, "this is the temple we need to worship at because that is something to worship."
My head went down as I made my way from my car back inside, but this boy had no shame.
"Stop staring, you're making it obvious," his friend stated.
"It is supposed to be obvious," he finished as I ran inside.
Well, there is nothing quite like an ego boost to make you forget about your flaws. As silly as it sounds, I think that was exactly what I needed to hear to realize that no one sees the little things I find when I look in the mirror.
I continued to run upstairs and all modesty went out the window as I rushed into my clothes to avoid being late to orientation.
My Journey to Mrs. Oklahoma, The Arrival
The week prior to the pageant, I started to have the emotions similar to getting married. You put so much thought and planning into everything. You rehearse how you think it might go. Then, by the time it is actually in front of you, you are so ready for it to hurry up and just be done.
Friday morning went faster than the entire month prior. I had created a checklist the day prior and packed the few things I knew I wouldn't be needing to get ready. I took my shower, packed my bags, double-checked my checklist, and loaded up the last of my belongings. Then, I headed to my sister-in-law's to get ready.
Thinking I had plenty of time, I didn't realize how late it really was until I got into the car. I hadn't had anything for breakfast and had been encouraged to eat lunch prior to getting there. So, I rushed into my local Jamba Juice for a quick smoothie. Unfortunately, nerves had gotten the best of me and the drink sat in the cup holder for the next two days (Yuck!)
Once I got to my sister's house, she curled my hair and began to do my makeup. For someone that normally wears mascara and chapstick, I was clueless on stage makeup. Therefore, she fixed me up for photos that day and helped me squeeze into my sequined swimsuit. You see, the suit fit perfectly when I took it out of the package. I was so excited to have something that gave me shape and confidence. However, after using an entire bottle of spray adhesive and thousands of sequins, it was definitely...different. The fabric no longer stretched when you pulled at it. And, oddly enough, my hips are slightly larger than my waist. Thus, it was difficult to pull the suit on through a tiny hole that was permanently conformed to my waistline.
After tag-teaming my suit, I finished up my hair and rushed out the door to get to the temple in time. We were expected to arrive promptly, in our swimsuits, for pictures. I ran up the steps with my opening number dress and a sundress pulled over my suit. Then, I waited my turn for pictures.
It was cold.
If you've been keeping up with the weather lately, you will note that Oklahoma has had (as always) crazy weather. In fact, it snowed the first week of March. Then, it was 80 degrees one day and 40 the next. Just so happened on this day, it was cold and windy.
My body shook as I stood outside with the other delegates and made small-talk to get to know them. Chill bumps made their presence and my allergies began to act up. My nose began turn red and my eyes watered-not attractive. I took my picture and continued to put names to each of the girls I had prayed over in the weeks prior.
For the most part, everyone was incredibly friendly (despite the fact that we were freezing off parts of our bodies that were barely covered). I was anxious to get to know everyone...to hear their stories. However, I remember the advice I was given on not giving too much of my energy to the other women right off the bat. Therefore, I talked with the few girls that were around me before making my way back inside.
Immediately, there were a couple of girls that stood out to me. As I looked around the room, I felt the discernment that I had several other sisters in Christ surrounding me. What a blessing!
Friday morning went faster than the entire month prior. I had created a checklist the day prior and packed the few things I knew I wouldn't be needing to get ready. I took my shower, packed my bags, double-checked my checklist, and loaded up the last of my belongings. Then, I headed to my sister-in-law's to get ready.
Thinking I had plenty of time, I didn't realize how late it really was until I got into the car. I hadn't had anything for breakfast and had been encouraged to eat lunch prior to getting there. So, I rushed into my local Jamba Juice for a quick smoothie. Unfortunately, nerves had gotten the best of me and the drink sat in the cup holder for the next two days (Yuck!)
Once I got to my sister's house, she curled my hair and began to do my makeup. For someone that normally wears mascara and chapstick, I was clueless on stage makeup. Therefore, she fixed me up for photos that day and helped me squeeze into my sequined swimsuit. You see, the suit fit perfectly when I took it out of the package. I was so excited to have something that gave me shape and confidence. However, after using an entire bottle of spray adhesive and thousands of sequins, it was definitely...different. The fabric no longer stretched when you pulled at it. And, oddly enough, my hips are slightly larger than my waist. Thus, it was difficult to pull the suit on through a tiny hole that was permanently conformed to my waistline.
After tag-teaming my suit, I finished up my hair and rushed out the door to get to the temple in time. We were expected to arrive promptly, in our swimsuits, for pictures. I ran up the steps with my opening number dress and a sundress pulled over my suit. Then, I waited my turn for pictures.
It was cold.
If you've been keeping up with the weather lately, you will note that Oklahoma has had (as always) crazy weather. In fact, it snowed the first week of March. Then, it was 80 degrees one day and 40 the next. Just so happened on this day, it was cold and windy.
My body shook as I stood outside with the other delegates and made small-talk to get to know them. Chill bumps made their presence and my allergies began to act up. My nose began turn red and my eyes watered-not attractive. I took my picture and continued to put names to each of the girls I had prayed over in the weeks prior.
For the most part, everyone was incredibly friendly (despite the fact that we were freezing off parts of our bodies that were barely covered). I was anxious to get to know everyone...to hear their stories. However, I remember the advice I was given on not giving too much of my energy to the other women right off the bat. Therefore, I talked with the few girls that were around me before making my way back inside.
Immediately, there were a couple of girls that stood out to me. As I looked around the room, I felt the discernment that I had several other sisters in Christ surrounding me. What a blessing!
My Journey to Mrs. Oklahoma, Handing it Over to God
As I mentioned before, coming to terms with the thought of being "weighed up against" other strong women was something I completely had to give over to God. Even weeks prior to being asked to participate in Mrs. Oklahoma, I found myself in a very reflective state as God was softening my heart for this ministry. I remember having this incredible peace that my intent was not to win, but rather to be used by God.
When people would make statements like, "I really think you could win". I couldn't help but share that I had zero expectations of winning as I was going into the competition. I would share that I knew all of the girls would be a great representative for the State of Oklahoma, and I was anxious to get to know them. However, I still wanted to give it my all and quite frankly was terrified.
In preparing for the event, I was so thankful for the support of my dear friend to help me through each of my doubting moments. However, I felt a tug at my heart to stop focusing on myself and think of those around me. I looked over the pictures of each of the delegates online. I began to pray over each of them as I asked God to direct their steps and allow the "right one" to be selected.
I tried to put my best foot forward, and worked through the things that caused me to take my eyes off of Him. Our director announced other opportunities to gain momentum in the competition, and I found myself getting wrapped up in how many Facebook "likes" I had on my page, or asking for votes online. After practicing in my swimsuit with Ginger, I had this overwhelming urge to give up. The steps I had learned were erased from my mind. The confidence I had built up turned into low self-esteem. Despite my best efforts to be contempt, I was anything but. I blamed it on the outfit, and she was gracious enough to go with me (very last minute) to find a back-up.
When I got home that afternoon, I rushed around to get to LifeGroup. Although, my heart was certainly not there. My husband's job had taken him away from me, and his stress level was affecting how he treated me. I was more than frustrated with him, and had little to say. My sister hadn't expressed any excitement or encouragement when I felt like I needed her most. My parents still hadn't purchased their tickets for the show, and I was feeling about the lowest I had in months.
"This isn't about you," I felt God's voice so clear that night.
All along I had stated that this was an open door that I believed God had placed in front of me. I had prayed over this decision and wanted to be obedient in allowing Him to use me as an instrument. But, my actions lately were showing anything but receptiveness on what I was being called to do. I began to make it about how I could look better than the girls around me, how my clothes would gain attention, and how I could ultimately win.
I decided to stop second guessing myself; and, actually hand it over to God no matter what the outcome would be.
When people would make statements like, "I really think you could win". I couldn't help but share that I had zero expectations of winning as I was going into the competition. I would share that I knew all of the girls would be a great representative for the State of Oklahoma, and I was anxious to get to know them. However, I still wanted to give it my all and quite frankly was terrified.
In preparing for the event, I was so thankful for the support of my dear friend to help me through each of my doubting moments. However, I felt a tug at my heart to stop focusing on myself and think of those around me. I looked over the pictures of each of the delegates online. I began to pray over each of them as I asked God to direct their steps and allow the "right one" to be selected.
I tried to put my best foot forward, and worked through the things that caused me to take my eyes off of Him. Our director announced other opportunities to gain momentum in the competition, and I found myself getting wrapped up in how many Facebook "likes" I had on my page, or asking for votes online. After practicing in my swimsuit with Ginger, I had this overwhelming urge to give up. The steps I had learned were erased from my mind. The confidence I had built up turned into low self-esteem. Despite my best efforts to be contempt, I was anything but. I blamed it on the outfit, and she was gracious enough to go with me (very last minute) to find a back-up.
When I got home that afternoon, I rushed around to get to LifeGroup. Although, my heart was certainly not there. My husband's job had taken him away from me, and his stress level was affecting how he treated me. I was more than frustrated with him, and had little to say. My sister hadn't expressed any excitement or encouragement when I felt like I needed her most. My parents still hadn't purchased their tickets for the show, and I was feeling about the lowest I had in months.
"This isn't about you," I felt God's voice so clear that night.
All along I had stated that this was an open door that I believed God had placed in front of me. I had prayed over this decision and wanted to be obedient in allowing Him to use me as an instrument. But, my actions lately were showing anything but receptiveness on what I was being called to do. I began to make it about how I could look better than the girls around me, how my clothes would gain attention, and how I could ultimately win.
I decided to stop second guessing myself; and, actually hand it over to God no matter what the outcome would be.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
My Journey to Mrs. O...
C.D.
Yes, many of you are aware that I tend to be a little O.C.D. In fact, my random quirks and need to coordinate everything is typically out of my control. I remember sitting in a fancy restaurant with a dear friend, years ago, as we shared our need to add numbers up to ensure it didn't equate to our unlucky digit. Okay, so maybe I'm more ODD than OCD.
Well, this need to coordinate everything would certainly make its way into my planning for Mrs. Oklahoma as I began to search for the perfect attire to express my personality. I admit I didn't fully give of myself when preparing, and some of my closest friends can argue that my outfit choices didn't reflect "me". However, I will say that they coordinated.
Following the never-ending sequins of my gold swimsuit, my husband picked out a lace-overlay gown when we were out shopping around one day. It was the only style I tried on, and fit without the need for alterations. Therefore, it won the vote and I didn't even second guess the pick.
I had glitter-gold and silver/taupe. Therefore, I needed some color in my life. I searched for inspiration boards to determine what to wear for my interview. With peach being my favorite color, I knew I had to incorporate that into the mix. Thus, it was mint to be. I found a beautiful peplum dress to complete the color swatch I swooned over.
The swatch and a snapshot of me just minutes prior to my interview.
Yes, many of you are aware that I tend to be a little O.C.D. In fact, my random quirks and need to coordinate everything is typically out of my control. I remember sitting in a fancy restaurant with a dear friend, years ago, as we shared our need to add numbers up to ensure it didn't equate to our unlucky digit. Okay, so maybe I'm more ODD than OCD.
Well, this need to coordinate everything would certainly make its way into my planning for Mrs. Oklahoma as I began to search for the perfect attire to express my personality. I admit I didn't fully give of myself when preparing, and some of my closest friends can argue that my outfit choices didn't reflect "me". However, I will say that they coordinated.
Following the never-ending sequins of my gold swimsuit, my husband picked out a lace-overlay gown when we were out shopping around one day. It was the only style I tried on, and fit without the need for alterations. Therefore, it won the vote and I didn't even second guess the pick.
I had glitter-gold and silver/taupe. Therefore, I needed some color in my life. I searched for inspiration boards to determine what to wear for my interview. With peach being my favorite color, I knew I had to incorporate that into the mix. Thus, it was mint to be. I found a beautiful peplum dress to complete the color swatch I swooned over.
My final purchase was a blush dress I had crushed over for a couple of weeks before justifying the
money spent for our dinner party (and Easter).
Finally, I had paired the perfect colors with my 6" nude, peep-toes and was ready to go for the weekend!
My Journey to Mrs. Oklahoma, Pity Party on Me
Signing up for Mrs. Oklahoma was definitely a stretch outside of my comfort zone. I had ups and downs and fought internally. I realized I couldn't compare myself to others and had to be true to myself. I worked hard and prayed even harder.
Moving to a part-time business role, finances were tight. I made sure to watch what I spent and find sponsors for in-kind donations. Business members in the community were incredibly helpful.
My wedding photographers, the amazing Roy and Jame of Colorband PhotoArtisans, graciously took my beautiful head shots. I was sponsored with free spray tans FOR A YEAR, and had talented individuals volunteer to do my skincare and hair. I was truly blessed by the compassion people in the community had on me.
But, one thing I struggled with was the expectation I had of others. I assumed that because my life was changing and I was doing something incredibly bold, others would automatically drop what was going on in their lives and support me. In fact, I found myself face down in tears on several occasions because my friends or family hadn't even mentioned my big commitment.
I remember thinking to myself, "so this is what it feels like to be the kid at the game with no fans in the stands." Yes, it sounds a little childish. I admit it. However, when you put yourself through an emotional challenge, not being recognized can be incredibly difficult. I fought these negative emotions even up until the week before.
I realize now, more than ever, that I was doing this pageant for a much greater purpose.
Moving to a part-time business role, finances were tight. I made sure to watch what I spent and find sponsors for in-kind donations. Business members in the community were incredibly helpful.
My wedding photographers, the amazing Roy and Jame of Colorband PhotoArtisans, graciously took my beautiful head shots. I was sponsored with free spray tans FOR A YEAR, and had talented individuals volunteer to do my skincare and hair. I was truly blessed by the compassion people in the community had on me.
But, one thing I struggled with was the expectation I had of others. I assumed that because my life was changing and I was doing something incredibly bold, others would automatically drop what was going on in their lives and support me. In fact, I found myself face down in tears on several occasions because my friends or family hadn't even mentioned my big commitment.
I remember thinking to myself, "so this is what it feels like to be the kid at the game with no fans in the stands." Yes, it sounds a little childish. I admit it. However, when you put yourself through an emotional challenge, not being recognized can be incredibly difficult. I fought these negative emotions even up until the week before.
I realize now, more than ever, that I was doing this pageant for a much greater purpose.
My Journey to Mrs. Oklahoma, Search for the Suit
Even as God prepared my heart, I was hesitant to willingly put myself under a microscope for judgment. I began to make silly requirements that had to be met before I would commit.
Being incredibly modest, wearing a swimsuit in public was something that literally mortified me. In fact, I was the girl that changed in the bathroom stalls for track back in school. I stated that I wouldn't participate unless I found a swimsuit that I just loved and fit me. (That will never happen, right?)
You see, at 4'10" very few things look great on my frame. In fact, I generally can fit into children's sizes, complete with cartoon characters and ruffles. Finding a swimsuit that fit was a challenge in itself, but one that I felt comfortable standing in front of the world was another story. Therefore, I began to browse the internet for pictures.
According to the discussion I had with Ginger over the requirement, I had to find one that was either silver, gold, or white. The one that stuck out to me the most was, of course, black. Therefore, I went to bed that night reassured that this wasn't for me.
Then, my Pinterest addiction won the best of me. As I typed in “gold one-piece swimsuit”, I gawked at the image that came up. A 1990’s Vogue runway image taunted me. Not only was it tasteful, but it was covered in sequins from top to bottom.
Of course, my hunt to purchase the suit was to no avail. And, soon enough I found that my size was sold out in nearly every style I picked. Quite content with myself, I quickly allowed the thought to fade.
Ginger text me to see how my hunt was going. I shared how I couldn't find my size and she continued to encourage me by saying I could get it altered to fit. To me, that wouldn't meet the requirements I had set and it was proof enough that I shouldn't do it. Then, when my husband asked me what I had found I shared the few pictures of suits I had found that I loved. However, I mentioned they weren't my size or they reminded me of my incredibly expensive taste and I knew we couldn't afford them. But, there was one that stuck out.
Despite every phrase I wrote in the search bar, a simple, black one-piece with a shape of its own would appear. Not to mention, after further research in the size guide, it just happened to be the perfect measurements for my little body. Therefore, I toyed with the idea of styling it on my own and recreating the one-of-a-kind sequined suit I couldn’t help but want. Therefore, I bit the bullet and signed up for my first, ever pageant. And, no matter what happened I knew that I had put in the effort to be suited for success!
Being incredibly modest, wearing a swimsuit in public was something that literally mortified me. In fact, I was the girl that changed in the bathroom stalls for track back in school. I stated that I wouldn't participate unless I found a swimsuit that I just loved and fit me. (That will never happen, right?)
You see, at 4'10" very few things look great on my frame. In fact, I generally can fit into children's sizes, complete with cartoon characters and ruffles. Finding a swimsuit that fit was a challenge in itself, but one that I felt comfortable standing in front of the world was another story. Therefore, I began to browse the internet for pictures.
According to the discussion I had with Ginger over the requirement, I had to find one that was either silver, gold, or white. The one that stuck out to me the most was, of course, black. Therefore, I went to bed that night reassured that this wasn't for me.
Then, my Pinterest addiction won the best of me. As I typed in “gold one-piece swimsuit”, I gawked at the image that came up. A 1990’s Vogue runway image taunted me. Not only was it tasteful, but it was covered in sequins from top to bottom.
Of course, my hunt to purchase the suit was to no avail. And, soon enough I found that my size was sold out in nearly every style I picked. Quite content with myself, I quickly allowed the thought to fade.
Ginger text me to see how my hunt was going. I shared how I couldn't find my size and she continued to encourage me by saying I could get it altered to fit. To me, that wouldn't meet the requirements I had set and it was proof enough that I shouldn't do it. Then, when my husband asked me what I had found I shared the few pictures of suits I had found that I loved. However, I mentioned they weren't my size or they reminded me of my incredibly expensive taste and I knew we couldn't afford them. But, there was one that stuck out.
Despite every phrase I wrote in the search bar, a simple, black one-piece with a shape of its own would appear. Not to mention, after further research in the size guide, it just happened to be the perfect measurements for my little body. Therefore, I toyed with the idea of styling it on my own and recreating the one-of-a-kind sequined suit I couldn’t help but want. Therefore, I bit the bullet and signed up for my first, ever pageant. And, no matter what happened I knew that I had put in the effort to be suited for success!
My Journey to Mrs. Oklahoma, Facing My Insecurities
The day I was approached to compete at Mrs. Oklahoma was the same day that I said, "No". I remember getting the email asking if I would be interested in participating and immediately thinking, "Who me?" I even laughed it off when I shared with my husband that I was asked.
Serious as he could be, he simply said, "You totally should".
"Wait, what? I'm four foot ten, have never been in a pageant, and don't have a talent."
Every single insecurity made its way to the surface.
-You aren't tall enough.
-You're nose is too big and scrunches when you smile.
-You are flat-chested and have a rib-cage that makes up for it.
-Your legs are too wide.
The list could have gone on and on (and on). Every negative thing that one person ever said about me suddenly became my reality. My perception of myself was that I wasn't "good enough" because of the opinions of others.
Now, to say that I didn't consider it would be a lie. I think every little girl imagines of being a princess and wearing a crown. To get all dolled up and be recognized was incredibly appealing, but my fears outweighed any hope that I had. I fed into the lies that the world had told me and completely forgot about what God thought.
That day I battled with thoughts of excitement and concern. Then, I remembered a dear co-worker, Ginger, that had shared her intent to compete this year. I wanted to talk to her, but at the same time I was certainly not going to step on any toes or steal her thunder. I brushed it off and made up my mind that it was silly to even consider it.
Then, my phone went off.
It was Ginger. She was checking on me on my newest endeavor in life. That's when I knew I had to say something. I shared what had happened about being approached and that I wasn't going to do it. I expected a sigh of relief on the other end, but I received quite the opposite. She encouraged me and told me what a great opportunity it would be. I voiced my concerns and fears and she spoke life over me by building me up in my strengths.
Even after her support, I hadn't been persuaded to change my mind. We discussed how we are our own worst critics, and even this beautiful red-head on the other end of the phone had doubts of her beauty. I knew if this was something God wanted me to do, He would make it clear to me. I prayed that night and asked for clarity and direction.
Then, I felt God redirect my thoughts. I hardly slept that night and I felt ashamed that I was picking out all of my flaws rather than crediting Him with all the good He put within me. I realized that His perfect timing had never faltered before, and it was up to me to take that first step. It was up to me to allow Him to use me, to stretch me, and to guide me…even if it wasn’t comfortable.
Serious as he could be, he simply said, "You totally should".
"Wait, what? I'm four foot ten, have never been in a pageant, and don't have a talent."
Every single insecurity made its way to the surface.
-You aren't tall enough.
-You're nose is too big and scrunches when you smile.
-You are flat-chested and have a rib-cage that makes up for it.
-Your legs are too wide.
The list could have gone on and on (and on). Every negative thing that one person ever said about me suddenly became my reality. My perception of myself was that I wasn't "good enough" because of the opinions of others.
Now, to say that I didn't consider it would be a lie. I think every little girl imagines of being a princess and wearing a crown. To get all dolled up and be recognized was incredibly appealing, but my fears outweighed any hope that I had. I fed into the lies that the world had told me and completely forgot about what God thought.
That day I battled with thoughts of excitement and concern. Then, I remembered a dear co-worker, Ginger, that had shared her intent to compete this year. I wanted to talk to her, but at the same time I was certainly not going to step on any toes or steal her thunder. I brushed it off and made up my mind that it was silly to even consider it.
Then, my phone went off.
It was Ginger. She was checking on me on my newest endeavor in life. That's when I knew I had to say something. I shared what had happened about being approached and that I wasn't going to do it. I expected a sigh of relief on the other end, but I received quite the opposite. She encouraged me and told me what a great opportunity it would be. I voiced my concerns and fears and she spoke life over me by building me up in my strengths.
Even after her support, I hadn't been persuaded to change my mind. We discussed how we are our own worst critics, and even this beautiful red-head on the other end of the phone had doubts of her beauty. I knew if this was something God wanted me to do, He would make it clear to me. I prayed that night and asked for clarity and direction.
Then, I felt God redirect my thoughts. I hardly slept that night and I felt ashamed that I was picking out all of my flaws rather than crediting Him with all the good He put within me. I realized that His perfect timing had never faltered before, and it was up to me to take that first step. It was up to me to allow Him to use me, to stretch me, and to guide me…even if it wasn’t comfortable.