Walking Target

The past three months have been filled with more joy, more pain, more confusion, and more ups-and-downs than I ever could have imagined. 

Walking into my first day of my new job, I was immediately overwhelmed with nervous excitement.  Starting something that would remove 99% of the emotional stress I had been dealing with over the past year, I was anxious to have my life back. 

My first day was, needless to say, exhausting.  I met new faces, had a couple of meetings with my boss, and began the tasks of my position as "Purchasing Coordinator". 

Let me just say, even when I applied for this position it wasn't exactly what I would have picked for my future.  But, all-in-all I knew that God was leading me-tugging at my heart-to trust Him and be obedient.  So, there I was.

Sitting in a quiet office space in the middle of the FOG (Financial Operations Group).  I quickly got adjusted into the fast pace of my job as I would take on close to 50, 60, 80 emails in a given day.  I made purchases, invoices came through and coding was accounted for.  I saw everything from swimming pool requests to baby dolls come across my desk.  Everyone had a beautifully creative idea for a new shirt or promotional item to witness to others.  I helped create projects and process them down to the very last detail.  I was busy.

With the Christmas season around the corner, joy and giving was in the air.  Therefore, campuses were requested everything they could think of to express their gratitude to volunteers and team members with the perfect gift.  Spreadsheets were required with numbers, formulas, and percentages I hadn't used since high school.

Despite the fact that I was getting a paycheck for all that I was doing, I never wanted this to be "just a job".  I was serving my church and the ministry in a way that was honorable and pleasing to God.  But, there were days that I would question, "Why, of all places, did you put me in finance?" 

And, even though I didn't know what I got myself into all I could think of as I left work was, "I get to spend the entire evening with my husband.  And, I get to do this again tomorrow."  Therefore, my role in the finance department didn't seem quite so bad.

The first month of my role was brutal.  There is something that happens-almost like clockwork-when the enemy watches you be responsive to God's will.  You suddenly become a walking target.  Believe me, I felt the dagger through my heart as Satan attacked all that was important to me-starting with my marriage. 

Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a purpose within my marriage.  And, I will be honest.  Thanks to Satan, my marriage was anything but what it should have been at this point.  It was, in fact, the very thing that was destroying me.  The hateful words, the emotional jabs, the insecurities-they filled my marriage.  My relationship was put under a microscope as I had to finally face the fact that we were not "okay".  I felt like we were strangers living under one roof.  For the first time in our marriage, we were on great schedules that allowed us to spend time with one another.  But, this meant all the more opportunity to find things wrong.

"He doesn't understand you."

"You deserve to be treated better."

"When was the last time he made you feel valued?"

"He doesn't even care about you-much less love you."

"Why did you even get married?"

These were the questions that haunted me every single night.  My thoughts got lost in the past and I began thinking about regrets.  I lost sleep, lost weight, and patience.  Over time, I felt helpless and believed these things that the Devil was placing within me.  Until, I gave up. 

Yes, I literally gave up.  I thought that it didn't matter one way or the other, my marriage was falling apart.  I was thankful I didn't have a child.  And, I gave everything over to God.  I prayed with all of my might for God to provide clarity-for Him to use this situation to benefit His will.  I prayed for peace and a change.

That's when God's perfect purpose was made known.  My job became hugely instrumental in mentoring me through the pain, linking me with support, and providing me with friends that were there to push me through.  God molded my husband's heart and made him beautifully vulnerable to share his feelings with me.  He turned from this stone cold man that I didn't want to be around to the person that I didn't want to give up on. 

If only for a second, I saw a glimmer of hope that was put into action through my faith.  I began to pray for him and ask God to bless our marriage.  To turn my selfishness into understanding and love.  To take responsibility for my part.  I wanted to become the woman, the wife, I was created to be.