The Struggle

Part One.
I often struggle with the competing values I face on a daily basis. On one hand, I have the reality of "what I do" versus the mentality of "what I should be doing". 

Every day, I have the honor of serving others by helping to bless their marriage/relationship. I meet with approximately 60 of my "own" couples-reinforcing curriculum that I have specifically been trained and certified in. We meet in office visit rooms as we go over tools that can better equip them with the knowledge of how to resolve conflict and maintain a positive relationship through the birth of their child. We set up birth plans and discuss infant cues to help them understand their parenting role. The couples receive my services free of charge-no obstacles. Don't get me wrong...I love my job.

I love the "ah-ha" moments that come across an individual's face when they finally realize the real reason they have been fighting. I love seeing the journey they embark on together to resolve those problems and become stronger in doing so.  I love knowing that I have watched some of the best couples become better-and the worst couples become great. I have seen the jobless/homeless/helpless turn their lives around. I have witnessed the abused feel love, and the addicted be set free. I have seen some of the most well-to-do couples open up as they disclose the fact that material things mean nothing when their relationship is lacking affection and passion. My experiences become a testimony to those around me. I too have felt the heartache and pain. I have made mistakes that I cannot take back. I have focused more on the perception of others rather than what I really felt in my heart.

Not to mention-I have witnessed the birth of more babies than I can count, and grieved the loss of those that were taken home sooner than expected. I have consoled the broken hearted and offered a shoulder to lean on when they can't seem to get up. And, let me tell you right now, when I stand in front of a crowd of couples and teach something I am so deeply grounded in...I am in my element.

You see...as much as I love my job, I cannot help but feel the tug at my heart that I am not where I need to be.

I often feel like I'm either whining about the same old things, or rejoicing about how God has brought us through them.  However, the past several months have been anything but easy. Working 50 hour work weeks, pulling twelve hour days-teaching late at night, getting home at 10pm without spending any time with my husband and waking up to leave early the next day, being required to come in on weekends to "meet my couple's needs", keeping up with personal matters, spending the little time we have left with family/friends, and managing our own needs-which typically gets pushed to the side. I am definitely feeling the pressures of what everyone around me says is normal.

Let me just say this-I don't want to be normal anymore. I am not the poster child for the latest Wonder Woman campaign, nor do I feel I should be. I am human. I cannot do a million and one things because of this. I am the last person to want to do things half-heartedly and with all of the responsibilities I have been given I can't seem to get them all done to everyone's satisfaction.

My dream in life has always been to be a stay-at-home mom. I was so very blessed for my momma to have a flexible job where she could still be involved in each of our endeavors. She was always there when we needed her and managed to cook, clean, and play with us. She was Wonder Woman.

With our personal struggle with fertility problems, my dream in life was cut short when we first got married and disappointment became a reality. Medical debt piled up and we stretched every dime to pay for the next doctor's visit. We started going without-cutting back on "doing things" and started planning how to get ahead. My husband's goal of starting back to school and finding a career he loved was trumped by the little white envelopes showing up every month. What little money we saved went towards the bills or next mishap. Our home flooding, plumbling problems, hail damage, blown out tires, a new car, and yes-the last surgery.

When we committed to intercountry adoption, we knew the expense we were signing ourselves up for. We budgeted accordingly to make sure we put money aside each month-untouched. We estimated how long it would take and I started brainstorming how other parents had done the monstrous task. What we did not consider, however, was the fact that plans change.  My health continued to decline and we decided we needed to get away together. Not just for a break, but to help revive our marriage and help our bodies heal.

Our short-lived vacation was anything but relaxing. Our seventeen hour drive (one-way) proved to be just as exhausting as our work days. There was the constant reminder of finances as we arrived at the hotel and realized eating out was not an option. The trip, however, did provide me with a lot of thinking time.

During that time (and every moment of the days since then), I continue to feel the urgency that something in our lives has to change.  And, while sitting in church Sunday morning, my feelings were confirmed as the preacher spoke straight to me. Compelled by the Spirit, not knowing where to go...I am certain that God has other plans for my life. With lots of prayers and questions, I ask for Him to show me where to take the first step.

Just like a lamp only reveals the few feet in front of me, I am not certain of the path I will be on. I will, however, commit to taking a step towards my destiny by stepping away from the security that binds me here.