Imperfect Human

If I were to be honest with everyone, including myself, I would say that it has been hard to trust Christians in my life.  Despite growing up in church, I admit that I don't know if I have had a clear illustration of what being a Christian looks like.

I watched the elderly gossip and live in a "my way or the highway" mentality.  The parents desperately searched for answers to raise their kids to "ask Jesus into their heart" and then they were off the hook for the remainder of their parenting.  Young adults developed a "it could always be worse" attitude when reflecting on their own lives, and teens would question how much sin they could get away with before it is "too much".  The preteens would continue to do whatever they could to "fit in" whether that meant getting an invite to the party on Saturday or knowing the church answers on Sunday.  Kids were kids and parents made excuses as they were either afraid to "spare the rod" or afraid to not "let them be little".

As a brand new parent, one that hasn't even laid hands on my babe yet, I am sure I will one day "eat my words" as my family has told me.  However, I set out to be intentional about some very important things when it comes to bringing up my son in a confusing world.

It has been heavy on my heart as I have watched those around me open up about the reality of their lives as adults.  Just within the past few months, I have received criticism for having such "high standards" from the very Christians I grew up with.

Would you ever tell your little girl to lower her standards to be treated with love, respect, dignity, and value?  Would you ever tell her that she needs to settle because it is unrealistic to expect someone to care about her needs above their own?

I have watched people I admired from a distance become increasingly imperfect as the masks have come off.  The families that I thought had everything, have brokenness & separation.  They have put down their own family members for the outcomes they have caused from choosing to accept the things of the world.  They have pushed people away out of fear of confrontation.  They have tried everything to look perfect on the outside, but in the quiet of their homes are living a lie.  They have tried to keep up the appearance, becoming more materialistic with each passing day. They have lowered their standards to fit in, and even made excuses to make themselves look better.  They have criticized those that uphold higher standards for being "judgmental" or "non-accepting" because they choose not to participate in their acts.

I am in no way claiming to be perfect.  In fact, I am an imperfect human.  The difference is, I recognize my need for God and strive to be better because of it.  The hardest part about thinking about raising a child is trying to hold them to be more Christ-like rather than being a Christian.  It is daunting to think that even the people they may look up to, may not provide them with the right direction. It is my hope that I can look to the only role-model worthy of having my son's eyes upon Him.  And, I pray that when he walks in the footprints of his mommy and daddy, he is ultimately following Christ.

In a world that teaches selfishness, I aim to teach selflessness.
In a world that teaches success, I aim to teach satisfaction.
In a world that teaches rules, I aim to teach obedience.
In a world that teaches confidence, I aim to teach humility.
In a world that teaches drunkenness, I aim to teach desired sobriety.
In a world that teaches lower standards, I aim to teach increased standards.
In a world that teaches sexuality, I aim to teach love.
In a world that teaches self-gratification, I aim to teach long-term peace.
In a world that teaches greed, I aim to teach financial blessings.
In a world that teaches laws, I aim to teach respect.
In a world that teaches criticism, I aim to teach acceptance.

I believe the Cleavers said it best when June said, "Ward, you're no better than your son."
-"That's right, but what's wrong with letting my son be better than I was?"

Walk the Walk

Putting my notice in, I made the conscious decision to continue to stay involved in our church.  The relationships we had developed continued to grow.  We began to confide in those around us and even joined a lifegroup.  At a time when our marriage was suffering from the emptiness of being childless, we reached out to those around us.  We embraced the idea of being surrounded by others that were intentional about improving their marriages.  For the first time in our relationship, we opened up about what we were experiencing and how difficult it was to get through the heartaches we had endured.  Week after week, we continued to go deeper and trust the people we had come to know as friends.

But, life went on.

Sharing our struggles, I would leave each week with the hope that something would change.  My prayers were diligent and my heart was pliable.  I took everything we learned to heart and tried to apply it in my life.

But, Satan attacks.

At a time when I felt useless as a woman...knowing I couldn't give my husband the one thing he longed for...I was vulnerable.   I began to feel misunderstood and searched for validation when I confided in my husband.  I questioned my self-worth.  My confidence weakened as those around me would share that it was all in God's timing and it would happen someday.  My mind knew all of those things, but my heart was broken.  I struggled to talk to my best friend, my husband, because he was going through his own battles.  His heart became callused and the very things that had become like Christ began to revert back to the ways of the world. 

His words were hurtful. 

I searched for answers from God.  I continued to dig deeper in the word, fall on my knees, and pray more than I ever have.  My tears ran daily.  I would hide in the comfort of my home, hoping that God would regain my strength.  I tried to be a better wife: to use my words in a loving way, to lift him up and encourage him, to stand beside him when he made difficult decisions, to listen to him when he had a hard day, to be available for his needs, and to allow him to say things without getting offended.

I grasped for anything that would help get me through this season.  I reflected on the hardships of my past and what God had brought me through.  I sought help from those around me.  I confided in others in my lifegroup.  I asked for help and felt invaluable as I was told to continue to allow my husband to be convicted and for me to continue to love him. 


Then, the moment hit me like a train wreck.

I stood in the kitchen as the friends I had come to know shared their life stories.  The leaders' kids had made it through a year of homeschooling, one of the kiddos was going into the next grade & they discussed how much she had changed over that year, the youngest of the kids in the group had gotten into more mischief, and the last couple was finally expecting their beautiful babies as their round of IVF blessed them with twins.

WHAM!

I tried to hold back the tears, but my heart stung from the pain again.  Not only was my marriage in limbo, but I was once again on the outside.  Why?  Why was I not worthy of the same happiness?  I tried to build up what had been torn down.  I wanted to feel loved and worthy of something better.  I didn't understand as I was doing "everything right", but nothing was going right.  I truly loved others and sought out opportunities to serve.  I spoke my mind, but never strayed from compassion.  I worked hard to bless those around me and sacrifice things for myself. I wasn't materialistic or greedy.  I spoke truth and watched my words so that I was different than the world.  I didn't cuss or live in a way that would allow others to see the hypocrisy I had come to know too well.

Why?

Talk the Talk

I have been very blessed to grow up with a God-loving family.  I went to Sunday School, sang in children's choir, and participated in just about every activity.  My mom would help out in Vacation Bible School and my daddy would practice my Bible verses on the way to Awanas.  We went every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night (and then some).  My grandparents would take me to church as a young girl on the days I spent the night.  Yes, I was very blessed to have a Christian family to raise me up.

Once in middle school, I began to notice the dynamic of my church friends change.  The boys were separated from the girls, and then even the girls were divided.  The cliques began to form and it was easy to differentiate between the popular girls and everyone else.  Let's face it-I didn't fit in.  It wasn't that I wasn't in the popular crowd per se, it was more that I just didn't have a clique and tried to be friends with everyone.  I noticed many of the girls I had grown up with in church start to live different lives at school and quickly struggled to know what a genuine relationship with Christ looked like.

I turned to boys to avoid the drama of "catty girls" and rumors soon formulated.  Did I get a little too involved in the relationships I had, sure I did.  Don't we all?  Hand holding, first kisses, going on dates...it was easy to get wrapped up in boyfriends.  Although I tried not to let the things people said bother me, they did.  I wasn't invited to the local parties and didn't understand the "inside jokes" the girls would tell.  Part of me was relieved that I had allowed some of my innocence to remain intact.  I never drank, smoke, tried drugs, or cussed.  And, even though I began to go to churches with my boyfriends whenever possible, all my church family saw was an empty seat in my hometown church.

In college, I quickly embraced the freedom of not having to deal with the hurtful things people said back at church.  I would still visit on holidays with my family, but I didn't have to sit through Sunday School week after week and watch people talk about God and then turn their backs on Him when they walked out the door.  I didn't have to endure the whispers behind my back or the "church answers" from people just to keep up the appearance of being a Christian.  However, I learned I wasn't much better than them. 

I learned how to put on "the act" of obeying God- knowing what to say when people were around me, and knowing just how close to the line I could get before it was "too close".  Thank goodness God places the right people in our lives.

Once I started dating my husband, we began to attend church together again.  The sermons would feed my soul and give me just what I needed to make it through the week.  Then, Sunday would come around and I would get my fill for the next week.  I began to love others again.  I developed more of a servant heart and found myself wanting to get deeper in God's word.  I began to challenge the idea of normalcy in the world.  I decided to live beyond what others had taught me and instead focus on what Christ had taught me.  I entrusted Him with my relationship with my husband and watched us grow closer together. Our marriage was formed on a solid foundation of wanting to live in a way that others would come to know the love of Christ.  I watched my husband's heart change as he began to soften his words and love me in an unconditional way.  His temper faded, his words were more considerate, he listened and validated my feelings, he watched what came out of his mouth and worked hard to witness to others.  We made tough decisions that others would never understand, but we were blessed tremendously along the way.  When we stepped out in faith, we were welcomed with affirmation. Our finances were taken care of as we began to tithe.  Everything began to fall into place.

Everything except our desire to be parents.

This very real struggle of infertility was like a dark cloud suspended over our heads.  There were days I didn't know how to function because I couldn't handle the idea of God giving me such a strong desire to be a mom and never fulfilling it.  The pain of being around friends that continued to be blessed with children was enough to push me over the edge.  Despite wanting to get closer in small groups at church, the description always read, "children welcome".  Sitting in a group of parents our age as they discussed the stories of their precious children week after week was too much to bear.  For this reason, we held off joining a lifegroup.

Wanting to stay connected, we chose to serve whenever possible at our church.  We gained a couple of close relationships and continued to question what God's purpose was in our lives.  Taking a step of faith, we decided to pursue different career paths.  And, the day I put in my notice was the day Joshua received the job offer he had been waiting for. 

Soon after his news, I was accepted for a position within our church.  I was over the moon.  To be working in a place that was full of other believers and serving behind the scenes was a dream come true.  Although I was in the finance department, I never questioned whether or not God wanted me to be in that position because He was the one that had directed my path. 
 
Some have heard my experience from working at the church; however, some of the lessons I learned during this season are still hard to swallow.  Working in various roles over the last decade, this was the position that I felt the least accepted in.  After praying for answers along the way, it was clear that God had used this season in my life to get closer to Him. The words that followed from colleagues after putting in my notice, are painful to revisit.  I watched people fall victim of the very things I had seen starting as a middle schooler when cliques formed and separate lives developed.  It was hard to allow these things not to push me away.

Bun in the Oven, Part 2

Bun in the Oven

February 2015, There's a Bun in the Oven

As soon as I got in my car, my head was reeling.  I couldn't help but cry, laugh, repeat.  The joy inside was more than I could ever explain.

Just then, I received an invite for dinner from a close friend.  It was as if everything had fallen into place.  I shared the news with my friend as I asked for her help in making my plans run smoothly.  I would bring everything over to her house on my way home and go meet Joshua at the house as he got off work.  Then, we would drive to their house together, none of the evidence in sight.

I called Joshua to check his plans, and somehow managed to keep my composure. 

Then, I drove to a nearby bakery to pick up a sticky cinnamon bun, one of hubby's favorites, before getting some of the final touches at hobby lobby.  Being a "regular" at hob-lob, one of the employees asked if the stickers I was hunting were for me or someone else.  Maybe it was the sheer glow of excitement that gave it away, but I couldn't help but burst out in emotions in the middle of the aisle.

"We're having a baby!"

After checking out with all my supplies and once everything was strategically placed at the MC's house, I made the drive home to get Joshua.  I tried to contain my excitement as he quickly got cleaned up and we drove over to dinner.

Halfway through the prep-work, my sweet friend mentioned to Joshua that her oven hadn't been getting warm when she was cooking earlier that day (Oh, I should also mention that my hubby was her builder for her new house, so this would definitely be something she would bring up).  As Joshua reached for the oven door, we quickly snatched up our phones to record the precious moments that followed.

February 2015, Read Between the Lines

February 24, 2015
My skin is pimply and I have had two serious nosebleeds-both of which are great signs of the "right" hormones being present.  I am praying for a plus sign!

February 26, 2015
I am definitely hyperstimulating again.  I feel bloated and keep wondering, "Where did my waist go?"

After talking my way through all the possible outcomes, I decided to take a pregnancy test.

Wait.

Should I?

Joshua and I discussed that we would wait until our doctor's visit before finding out if we were pregnant.  The thing is, I didn't want to get a phone call in the middle of the afternoon tomorrow following blood work, receive a phone call from Joshua while he was at work asking what I found out, and then telling him the news over the phone.  No matter what, I wanted to be together if it was good news. 

I understand Joshua was really worried about me.  After all we had been through and the wave of emotions that had overwhelmed me from everything in the past, he had every right to be concerned.  However, this was different to me.  For once I had a peace about everything.  I think God knew I couldn't handle any more disappointment, and it felt like it was our time...that it was right.

Missing out on the precious moments of surprise in the past were something I hated.  I wanted to have the opportunity to tell my husband, "We're having a baby!" I wanted it to be unexpected.  I wanted his eyes to well up with tears as we were filled with emotions.  Therefore, I decided to go take a test on my own.

Driving up to the local pharmacy, I processed how I would make this work.  If it was positive, I wanted to tell Joshua that evening.  It had always been a dream of mine to have a little bun in the oven with my love of baking, but how could I pull that off in a matter of...two hours?

I decided the only way to make my plans work was to take the test at the store and bolt to a nearby bakery. 

I walked into the back of the store, picked up the all-too-familiar pink box of tests, checked out at the front cash register, and made the trek to the ladies room.  I couldn't even contain my plans as I mentioned to the clerk, "we are praying for good news."

Once in the restroom, I couldn't help but say a prayer as my hands shook.  Part of me was nervous, part of me was excited.  It was difficult to get the wrapper opened, and I began to feel my eyes fill with tears at the thought of what was about to happen.

On one hand, I was going to have every dream, every prayer come true.  We would finally be parents.  Every surgery, every disappointment, every heart ache and tear, every poke and prod, and every penny would be worth it.  On the other hand...

I just couldn't think about the devastation that would follow if...

I opened the wrapper and sat in the quiet of the bathroom as I waited for the results.

Immediately, the lines appeared.  Wait, lines?  Plural?  Were there two?  Had it even been a minute yet?  Could this be true?

I couldn't help but laugh through the tears as I audibly said, "Thank you, Lord."

There, in the CVS bathroom I found out I was expecting.

There was no way to contain the excitement as I practically ran out of the restroom with soaking cheeks and a runny nose. 

"I'm going to be a mom!" I yelled with my hands held high as the clerk looked my way.

And Then There Were Three

Woke up excited for the "big day". Took progesterone capsule at 10am and prepared for our visit. Joshua picked up pineapple at Sonic for me to help the baby "stick". We took a picture to capture our last minutes as "just the two of us".

Doctor was running behind and nurse Connie prepped me for procedure. Had to drink a full glass of water to help with positioning. Embryo grade was 5A! I was awake for the entire procedure while hubby held my hand and watched on the screen. There was slight discomfort and pressure, but all I could do was pray. "Thank you, Lord."

Those moments following the procedure were satisfying and terrifying all at the same time.

"What if I do something wrong? What if it doesn't take? What if I fail?"

I found myself laying on the couch the rest of the afternoon as I "shushed" all the negatives. I propped my feet slightly up and slept through the discomfort, praying that we were finally going to have a child of our own.

That night, I satisfied my craving for pomodoro sauce at Bravo's thanks to my hubby. Then, Joshua picked up some pineapple afterwards-just to be on the safe side.

I laughed so hard, I cried! He ordered a large cup of pineapple and after ten minutes of confusion and waiting on the carhop, she arrived with a Route 44 cup filled to the brim with pineapple chunks! At least I have no excuse when it comes to eating pineapple!

The Day Before

Nausea, cramping, dizziness, tightness in my chest and shortness of breath. We are so close! I find myself laying around more and more while having a constant conversation with God. I pray for peace over my nerves and healing for my body. I pray for strength. I pray for support for my loving husband (that has been a champ through the whole process). I pray for the sweetest, most beautiful, healthiest baby to fill my tummy. I pray to protect him/her with a healthy pregnancy. I pray for carrying him/her full term and having a perfect labor & delivery. I pray for knowledge on providing him/her with the best love a parent can give.

Knowing tomorrow is the big day, I found strength to meet my family for dinner to celebrate my Daddy's birthday. I couldn't help but think, this is it!

Good News

February 16, 2015
Pain has been persistent and I have had difficulty using the bathroom. This is day four actually. The injections are getting easier in the left rather than the right. I have so many mixed emotions, but all I can do is thank God for great news. My levels gave the doctor no reason to put off transfer, and our embryos are growing healthy and strong. Their "grades" today were:
4 a-
2 b-
5 b
6 b+
1 c

We are officially scheduled for transfer on February 18th!

Update

February 15, 2015
Thank goodness there's relief from nausea! There is nothing worse than consistently feeling sick and not being able to do a single thing about it. We are continuing our shots and antibiotics to prevent infection. My body continues to ache as I can't get comfy and welps are developing at my injection sites. The cramping is worse and I can't seem to step away from the hearing pad.

There's a pinched nerve in my back, leasing up to my neck. I felt it when I flinched during my shot last night. The only tging that keeps me from breaking down is knowing that we have our sweet little babies growing as we speak.

The doctor updated us on the "grade" of our embryos. Of our 18 little ones:
2 a-
8 b
6 b+
2b-

Nausea and The Silver Lining

February 14, 2015
Nausea has not subsided.

Unfortunately, between the pain meds and the actual cramping in my stomach, I cannot seem to get comfy. My sister-in-law brought me some nausea medicine in hopes that I can relax.

We will continue progesterone shots daily for the first 10 weeks of pregnancy. Even though we have tackled more than 30 injections, these hurt on a different level. The pain lingers.

Despite the pain, nothing compares to the joy we felt when the phone rang.

Of the 25 follicles, 24 were mature, and 18 fertilized.

18!!!

We have 18 embryos growing right now.

The hope of having a child...The relief of knowing we made it this far...The amount of gratitude I have in my heart that God answers prayers...

I am overwhelmed.

Retrieval and Pizza?

February 13, 2015
My body has never felt so many emotions at once. Hubby went back to the prep room with me while they hooked me up to the IV and discussed the procedure. I don't recall half of what was said, I'm sure, because all I could think of was, "this is it."

My doctor came in and then the anesthesiologist. I remember them taking me across the room as I watched my doctor at the foot of the bed. The dizziness kicked in and I closed my eyes.

Next thing you know, I am back in recovery as my nurse is telling me how everything went. I had ice water and cried as she said they took 25 follicles.

25?

25.

They taught hubby how to give a new shot and made him give me .25mL before we left. I was so ready to get home.

We left as hubby drove to get me a smoothie from Jamba Juice.

"And french fries."

I've been wanting salty things like you wouldn't believe.

Then, the nausea kicked in.

As we rounded the drive-thru at a nearby McDonald's, I found my head in floor. The car was spinning and my body was heaving. I had to get out.

Joshua asked me to wait until we parked, and I flung the door open to gasp at the fresh air. Then, I crawled into the floor and rested my head in the seat.

As he disappeared for a minute, I prayed to not get sick. Then, the smell hit my nose.

Is that pizza?

Unfortunately, hubby's need to eat was as great as mine. And, he had grabbed a "hot 'n ready pizza" next to Jamba Juice.

That had to have been the longest ride of my life.

A New Chapter

January 31, 2015
And, so it begins! After recovering from our last round of IVF, today we started our second round of self-injections: 50 units of follistim and 1mL of Menopur. My emotions were definitely going up and down as I wait for the outcome. Please, Lord, let this work.

February 1, 2015
50 units of Follistim, 1mL of Menopur.
Ouch!

February 2, 2015
Hello, hormones! My skin is breaking out and my color is fading. After bloodwork at the doctor today, my levels were 171. We decreased my dosage to prevent OHSS. 25 units of Follistim, 1mL Menopur. 

February 3, 2015

It has been a LONG day.  I taught class tonight and am glad to be home for bed.  I'm not sleeping much these days (except having incredibly vivid dreams).  We are continuing dosage of 25 units of Follistim, 1mL Menopur.

February 4, 2015

Yuck! Not feeling well (hence me wearing hubby's shirt and the awful hairdo). Bloodwork levels 300 today. Huge relief to be steadily going up rather than skyrocketing. 25 units of Follistim, 1mL Menopur.

February 5, 2015
25 units of Follistim, 1mL Menopur.

February 6, 2015
Hard, Day.  Levels are up to 682, which isn't too bad.  However, I have to be seen regularly again to find a balance.  Follicles need to grow, but not too quickly that I hyperstimulate.  Still looking at over 50 follicles this go-around.  Wowza!  At least I'm fertile!  25 units of Follistim, 1mL Menopur. 

February 7, 2015

"It's gonna be a good day..." I keep telling myself that every day is one day closer. Bloodwork shows levels at 1131 today. Changing our medication tonight to take Ganirelix in place of the follistim (bummer, the folli is the easiest to take). Still 1 amp of the Menopur.

February 8, 2015

Today, we celebrate! We made it one more doctor's visit than our last round of IVF and are one step closer!

Fake smiles!! Level went up to 1203 (a less than 100 jump). We want to ensure development is continuing and I don't "plateau" with the change in meds. 3 shots tonight: 25 Follistim, Ganirelix, and 1mL of Menopur. 

February 9, 2015

You would think I would be used to the blood drawing and tummy injections; but, I'm not. There's nothing like feeling like a human puncushion. I was just certain that "today is the day". Unfortunately, we only went up to 1333 and they wanted me to take my injection of Menopur ASAP. Like, call hubby and find a way to take it in the next hour. I tried his cell, his co-worker's cell, then I begged for the biggest "best friend favor" as I asked my BFF to inject me. Of course she was willing, but I couldn't ask her to do that. I calked my neighbor (happens to be a nurse) that said she would gladly do it. Just before hubby called back and made it in time.

Whew!

Tonight we increased my Follistim to 75 units and took the Ganirelix in hopes for good news.

February 10, 2015 We are so close! Levels jumped to 2430 and we are continuing to see growth. I have over 70 little follicles growing (can you even believe that?). 75 units of Folli, Ganirelix, and 1mL of Menopur

February 11, 2015

Praise, God! We are finally where we need to be! Levels are up to 5500. We have tons of "good follicles" to be hopeful about. Some women pray for 4-5 to grow and God gave us ten times that! Tonight we take our Ganirelix and our HCG trigger shot. And, guess what? We don't have a doctor's visit tomorrow OR any shots. One whole day of rest!

February 12, 2015

Two little pills to prevent infection. That's it! I didn't have a single needle come near me, and tomorrow is the day we have waited for. Despite wanting everything to fall into place, all I can pray for is that we make it to retrieval. If we can get these sweet little eggs, we won't have to go through this WHOLE process again. We have hope.