I have been very blessed to grow up with a God-loving family. I went to Sunday School, sang in children's choir, and participated in just about every activity. My mom would help out in Vacation Bible School and my daddy would practice my Bible verses on the way to Awanas. We went every Sunday morning, Sunday evening, and Wednesday night (and then some). My grandparents would take me to church as a young girl on the days I spent the night. Yes, I was very blessed to have a Christian family to raise me up.
Once in middle school, I began to notice the dynamic of my church friends change. The boys were separated from the girls, and then even the girls were divided. The cliques began to form and it was easy to differentiate between the popular girls and everyone else. Let's face it-I didn't fit in. It wasn't that I wasn't in the popular crowd per se, it was more that I just didn't have a clique and tried to be friends with everyone. I noticed many of the girls I had grown up with in church start to live different lives at school and quickly struggled to know what a genuine relationship with Christ looked like.
I turned to boys to avoid the drama of "catty girls" and rumors soon formulated. Did I get a little too involved in the relationships I had, sure I did. Don't we all? Hand holding, first kisses, going on dates...it was easy to get wrapped up in boyfriends. Although I tried not to let the things people said bother me, they did. I wasn't invited to the local parties and didn't understand the "inside jokes" the girls would tell. Part of me was relieved that I had allowed some of my innocence to remain intact. I never drank, smoke, tried drugs, or cussed. And, even though I began to go to churches with my boyfriends whenever possible, all my church family saw was an empty seat in my hometown church.
In college, I quickly embraced the freedom of not having to deal with the hurtful things people said back at church. I would still visit on holidays with my family, but I didn't have to sit through Sunday School week after week and watch people talk about God and then turn their backs on Him when they walked out the door. I didn't have to endure the whispers behind my back or the "church answers" from people just to keep up the appearance of being a Christian. However, I learned I wasn't much better than them.
I learned how to put on "the act" of obeying God- knowing what to say when people were around me, and knowing just how close to the line I could get before it was "too close". Thank goodness God places the right people in our lives.
Once I started dating my husband, we began to attend church together again. The sermons would feed my soul and give me just what I needed to make it through the week. Then, Sunday would come around and I would get my fill for the next week. I began to love others again. I developed more of a servant heart and found myself wanting to get deeper in God's word. I began to challenge the idea of normalcy in the world. I decided to live beyond what others had taught me and instead focus on what Christ had taught me. I entrusted Him with my relationship with my husband and watched us grow closer together. Our marriage was formed on a solid foundation of wanting to live in a way that others would come to know the love of Christ. I watched my husband's heart change as he began to soften his words and love me in an unconditional way. His temper faded, his words were more considerate, he listened and validated my feelings, he watched what came out of his mouth and worked hard to witness to others. We made tough decisions that others would never understand, but we were blessed tremendously along the way. When we stepped out in faith, we were welcomed with affirmation. Our finances were taken care of as we began to tithe. Everything began to fall into place.
Everything except our desire to be parents.
This very real struggle of infertility was like a dark cloud suspended over our heads. There were days I didn't know how to function because I couldn't handle the idea of God giving me such a strong desire to be a mom and never fulfilling it. The pain of being around friends that continued to be blessed with children was enough to push me over the edge. Despite wanting to get closer in small groups at church, the description always read, "children welcome". Sitting in a group of parents our age as they discussed the stories of their precious children week after week was too much to bear. For this reason, we held off joining a lifegroup.
Wanting to stay connected, we chose to serve whenever possible at our church. We gained a couple of close relationships and continued to question what God's purpose was in our lives. Taking a step of faith, we decided to pursue different career paths. And, the day I put in my notice was the day Joshua received the job offer he had been waiting for.
Soon after his news, I was accepted for a position within our church. I was over the moon. To be working in a place that was full of other believers and serving behind the scenes was a dream come true. Although I was in the finance department, I never questioned whether or not God wanted me to be in that position because He was the one that had directed my path.
Some have heard my experience from working at the church; however, some of the lessons I learned during this season are still hard to swallow. Working in various roles over the last decade, this was the position that I felt the least accepted in. After praying for answers along the way, it was clear that God had used this season in my life to get closer to Him. The words that followed from colleagues after putting in my notice, are painful to revisit. I watched people fall victim of the very things I had seen starting as a middle schooler when cliques formed and separate lives developed. It was hard to allow these things not to push me away.
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