Walk the Walk

Putting my notice in, I made the conscious decision to continue to stay involved in our church.  The relationships we had developed continued to grow.  We began to confide in those around us and even joined a lifegroup.  At a time when our marriage was suffering from the emptiness of being childless, we reached out to those around us.  We embraced the idea of being surrounded by others that were intentional about improving their marriages.  For the first time in our relationship, we opened up about what we were experiencing and how difficult it was to get through the heartaches we had endured.  Week after week, we continued to go deeper and trust the people we had come to know as friends.

But, life went on.

Sharing our struggles, I would leave each week with the hope that something would change.  My prayers were diligent and my heart was pliable.  I took everything we learned to heart and tried to apply it in my life.

But, Satan attacks.

At a time when I felt useless as a woman...knowing I couldn't give my husband the one thing he longed for...I was vulnerable.   I began to feel misunderstood and searched for validation when I confided in my husband.  I questioned my self-worth.  My confidence weakened as those around me would share that it was all in God's timing and it would happen someday.  My mind knew all of those things, but my heart was broken.  I struggled to talk to my best friend, my husband, because he was going through his own battles.  His heart became callused and the very things that had become like Christ began to revert back to the ways of the world. 

His words were hurtful. 

I searched for answers from God.  I continued to dig deeper in the word, fall on my knees, and pray more than I ever have.  My tears ran daily.  I would hide in the comfort of my home, hoping that God would regain my strength.  I tried to be a better wife: to use my words in a loving way, to lift him up and encourage him, to stand beside him when he made difficult decisions, to listen to him when he had a hard day, to be available for his needs, and to allow him to say things without getting offended.

I grasped for anything that would help get me through this season.  I reflected on the hardships of my past and what God had brought me through.  I sought help from those around me.  I confided in others in my lifegroup.  I asked for help and felt invaluable as I was told to continue to allow my husband to be convicted and for me to continue to love him. 


Then, the moment hit me like a train wreck.

I stood in the kitchen as the friends I had come to know shared their life stories.  The leaders' kids had made it through a year of homeschooling, one of the kiddos was going into the next grade & they discussed how much she had changed over that year, the youngest of the kids in the group had gotten into more mischief, and the last couple was finally expecting their beautiful babies as their round of IVF blessed them with twins.

WHAM!

I tried to hold back the tears, but my heart stung from the pain again.  Not only was my marriage in limbo, but I was once again on the outside.  Why?  Why was I not worthy of the same happiness?  I tried to build up what had been torn down.  I wanted to feel loved and worthy of something better.  I didn't understand as I was doing "everything right", but nothing was going right.  I truly loved others and sought out opportunities to serve.  I spoke my mind, but never strayed from compassion.  I worked hard to bless those around me and sacrifice things for myself. I wasn't materialistic or greedy.  I spoke truth and watched my words so that I was different than the world.  I didn't cuss or live in a way that would allow others to see the hypocrisy I had come to know too well.

Why?