Happy Birthday

Life has been in full swing at the Bailey house.  It seems that our calendar continues to fill up and responsibilities never cease.  We are about to wrap up what we like to call, "Birthday season".  That is, the time of the year where we live in a whirlwind of birthdays for all the little ones of friends and family.

Birthday season officially begins with the first birthday invitation of the year.  And, each year it seems to come earlier than the last.  

And the winner is...Kenzington!

The first invitation of 2014 officially marked the first birthday of our sweet cousin, Kenzington Paige.  Shortly followed was the party of little Finley.  Then, our eldest niece, Kennedy, would celebrate her last year before double-digits.  Which was just around the corner from Hadley's party.  We would soon receive word that sweet Eleanora would be turning one-just a month before Gavi's birthday.  Mixed into the upcoming months were the three brothers, Beckham, Graham, and Liam.  We would watch Zoie turn a year older and wonder, "where has time gone?"  Only to wait until the facebook feeds fill up with more parties for inspiration to plan our "little man" nephew, Krew's next party.

Despite the joy that comes with all of these parties and celebrating these adorable kiddos, there is an amount of exhaustion that seems to intertwine with these emotions.  There is nothing like the added reminder of your struggles like the seemingly, never-ending children of your friends.

Now, if I can add something here.  I don't ever want it to seem like we don't truly love these babies.  Because, the truth is we do.  We work really hard to make the parties, put on a happy face, and focus on celebrating the life of another precious child.  We sacrifice time with one another and search for the perfect gift for each of them even when finances are tight.  We enjoy seeing each of our family members and friends, and we wouldn't trade these kids for anything.

  

But.

But, it can also be really hard on us.  In fact, there are a lot of things that we keep to ourselves about the constant struggle we are experiencing about our journey of becoming parents.  To speak for myself, it can be really hard on me.  

I remember playing with my baby dolls as a child and wrapping them in the white bunny blanket that I was sent home in from the hospital.  I grew up "playing house" with my childhood friend, Lauren.  My "daughter's" name evolved over the years into "the list" Joshua and I have formed.  In time, I began dating and experiencing my first boyfriend.  I even had serious relationships where we would dream about the future-college, marriage, children.  

I've come a long way from baby dolls and boyfriends, but not being a mom never crossed my mind.  It wasn't in the dreams.

There are some days that I can put aside the grief of the loss of motherhood.  Most of the time I can enjoy my life and the blessings I've been given.  I think to myself that I am young and have plenty of   time to be a parent.  I am thankful for the "extra" time I have with just my husband and the past five and a half years of getting to know one another.  By God's incredible grace, I have a hard-working husband and three precious fur babies.  We have a roof over our heads and food for our bellies.  We have incredible friends and jobs that we enjoy.  We have each other.

But.

But, there are some days that I don't even feel like getting up.  In the midst of a really "good week" I am knocked off my feet with the overwhelming disappointment of the reality we are faced with.  

It may come in the form of a pregnancy announcement of a dear friend

-for all my pregnant friends, I am selflessly ecstatic for your new bundle of joy.  

It may come in the form of an invite to watch your kiddo play ball

-I pray their team wins and they feel proud of their accomplishments.  

It may come as I vacuum the hall and round the corner to see the "baby room"  

-I close my eyes and can see the pinterest inspired nursery come to life with a tiny person sleeping in their crib.  

It may come as I walk down the aisle in the middle of Target and see the newest baby clothes on the rack

-I secretly hope you save all your baby clothes so my child can wear them too.  

It may be in the middle of a restaurant where I catch my husband playing peek-a-boo with the baby at the next table over

-the day will come when I make Joshua the happiest man in the world and watch him as the greatest daddy, ever. 

It can come at any moment. 

And, just understand it may come in the mail with a simple birthday invitation.