"Tie Cutter"

One thing I'm learning the older I get is that I value friendships more than I realize and need to be a better friend.  After having a great conversation with a new found friend, it was refreshing to finally put a word to what I have experienced my entire life.  In fact, to borrow on her terminology, I am a tie cutter.  Let me elaborate on that.

Over the years I have focused so much on racing to the finish line of marriage.  Therefore, it was a waste of time to have girl friends when I was working on dating boys (more of this in my book).  Ironically, girls were the culprit of many more heartbreaks and tears as I had built friendships and lost them just as quickly as they started at a young age.  They were my best friends one-on-one, but popularity won their hearts when we were in a crowd.  

I vividly remember sitting in the cafeteria during elementary school while one of my best friends and fellow girl scouts (yes, I was a girl scout) laughed at me and labeled me something that stuck with me my entire life.  She planted the seed of insecurity as she pinpointed a physical flaw and to this day I see it every time I look in the mirror.

On top of the name callers, there were the boyfriend stealers. These girls would listen to me pour out my soul regarding my recent heart throb and somehow would be swinging side-by-side on the playground with them the same week.  This carried into middle school as I found myself weeping in the restroom when my biggest crush was caught dancing with another friend at formal.

Silly?  Yes, I know.  However, it was a HUGE deal when you are 13, wearing braces for the first time, half the size of the other girls, and going through adolescence.  

Then, there were the protectresses.  These loving women were some of the only friends I ever had.  They told me what I needed to hear rather than what I wanted.  They were a shoulder to cry on when things went wrong and had my back to protect me from the next storm.  But as I mentioned before, my boycrazy self couldn't see the truth and pushed these girls away thinking they were trying to swoop in to take my latest boy rather than being grateful for their words of kindness.

Once in college, I was thankful to be away from the cattiness that had laced my childhood.  I thought finally I was going to get away from the drama.  Much to my surprise, college wasn't much different.  My first couple of semesters were something I pretty much blocked from my head.  Being blinded by what I thought was actually the real deal, I allowed myself to be entirely consumed in playing house.  Girls didn't fit into my family.

Even as an adult I found myself next to the side choosers.  You know how it happens. You start dating someone, find other couples and friends to hang out with, split ways, and your friends are forced to choose between which "side" they will reside.  Unfortunately, I lost out on a lot of these friendships because I made little to no effort to nourish the relationship with them.

After finally settling down at the finish line of marriage with the love of my life, you would have thought things would have changed.  But, there were still obstacles of being at different stages in life with those around me.  The single friends did the single thing, the new couples were in the their own newlywed phase, the married folks were quickly starting a family, and I slowly lost the common threads that had tied me to each of my friends.

I cut ties.

After years of this uphill climb, I finally gained the perspective I needed.  On the other side of things, it is easy to see that God created us to be relational-something I pride teaching to others yet overlooked in my personal life.  I mean, let's be honest.  I am very selfish with my free time.  After years of living on separate schedules, the time I have with my husband now is incredibly sacred.  I know what I missed out on and value every second of time we get together.  Therefore, to share any amount of time with others is very difficult for me.

Not to mention the friends I once had were there to watch all the ups and downs of heartbreak and there is something liberating about being around someone that doesn't know how incredibly dumb you were at one point in your life.  However, this is something that I have been reflecting on over the past several months.

I am aware of my own selfish behavior from walking away from friends...good friends...because I wasn't the friend that they needed.  I didn't call to check on them, yet wanted them to be there for me when something was going on.  I didn't give of my time because I chose to baby my marriage instead.   Speaking of babies, I wasn't excited for them when they gave me the big news of their upcoming bundle of joy; but rather, I allowed our own fertility struggles to determine my support for them.

Yes, I was a bad friend.

Now this isn't a brand new revelation as I have even apologized for my lack of contact to some of the finest women that God blessed me with.  However, this is the first time that I have no excuses to prevent me from being better.

With that being said, I am working on me.  I can no longer allow things to dictate whether or not I treat someone with loving kindness.  Yes, there are some friends that I know the relationship is past renewing.  And, I ask for forgiveness for any way that I have wronged them in the past.

I love each of the girls that God has graced me with over the years of my life.  There are some that truly stand out beyond the norm of what I experienced, and I value them as incredible women.  Thank you for loving me-flaws and all-and taking the time to be there.

Here's to new friendships, and mending the old.