God

There are several things that I have grown inevitably closer to as time goes on. First, and foremost, is my personal relationship with God. He has taught me true dependency. Without Him, I don't exist.

You see, it is somewhat difficult to continually look at the purpose behind the heartache. In my heart, I know that God has a plan and His timing is infinitely better than my own. In my head, however, I question the storm I am prisoner of-the strong winds that blow, the clouds that block the sunshine, and the rain that pounds in my soul. I am surrounded by happy families that sweep me up in a whirlwind, the financial and emotional barriers to getting our little girl home and the neverending rut of unexpected bills, and the tears that well up inside at the lack of understanding from those around me.  I often feel trapped like the car on the side of the road-stuck until the rain lessens and provides clarity of the path to get home.

Sometimes the most meaningful conversations come out of the moments when you can't seem to lift your head off the ground. Your face is pressed tightly against the floor as you pray for the tunnel to pass and hold on with every ounce of your being until the sirens fade. You pray for your life and you learn very suddently to depend on God.

In the past I found myself constantly searching for the approval from others, never stopping to see the beauty within that He created me to be. I pray for my actions to reflect what He designed my life to be. I yearned for acceptance and would bend to meet others where they were. I compromised.