This Christmas we were blessed with a beautiful snowfall on Christmas Day while we were at my family's house. I am so, very grateful to work for an employer that cares enough about us to have let us off an entire week for Christmas! Nestled cozily at my parents', we were able to spend the night at their house until hubby left for work the next day. Over the past week, the weather has been bitter cold outside. With every video we watch, every blog post we read, and every experience we hear, our love for our future little girl grows more and more.
A couple of nights ago, I was laying in bed after a light snow was dusting our backyard. The air stung our fingers and noses as we stood outside earlier that evening. As I fell asleep in my husband's arms, all I could do was think about what our little girl might be going through in the few months of her life without us. That, was when it hit me.
Lord, please don't ever let my little girl feel that cold.
With the reality of children living, left abandoned on the streets of China, I cannot imagine my daughter being left outside...for even a minute...in that kind of cold. I pray that her old mommy and daddy will love her enough to provide-to provide a warm place for her to lay her head, and a full belly to nourish her. Oh God, please don't ever let her go hungry. I pray the nightmares I have never become a reality. In fact, I pray that she is spoiled with hugs and kisses in those first few months. I pray that she knows how to smile. Please Lord, bring her to me safely.
Sometimes I feel alone in this battle. I mean, I know people struggle with having their own children everyday; however, everyone grieves differently. And in reality, it is just that. This is a grieving process. I will experience things that are unique to me. Sitting in an office visit holding another baby at work, may trigger me in a completely different way than someone else that is walking in my shoes. I desire to feel my baby kick from the inside out when I hear about their pregnancies...just to know she is there with me. I pray I get to feel that way someday. To know that the nausea they complain about is a blessing in disguise rather than a stomach bug. But I know this is not the measure of how you are as a parent. Eating the right diet, avoiding the negative things while you are pregnant does not determine how you will parent this child. And I solemnly promise to love my little girl more than even her own mother, the one that birthed her, ever will.
So for my future daughter,
Please do not ever think that I love you any less because you didn't come from my belly. Always know you have been on my heart and I love you more than even you can imagine. I know I am not rescuing you from a life undeserved, but it is me that is so undeserving of being your mommy. God is so good and gracious to provide us with merciful gifts out of His unending love. You, little one, are one of God's greatest blessings in our lives. We love you so very much, and will never regret you. And, no matter what you experience before you come to my arms, I will do my very best to never let you feel that cold.
Mommy and Daddy
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