Today...the Unthinkable happened

Okay, so I guess it really wasn't unthinkable...because I had already thought about it. Today I realized he had moved on. This isn't something new or upsetting in itself. You see, I WANTED him to be happy. I WANTED him to find someone a million times better than what I had been to him. However, it was with the one person that allowed me to feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt.

I remember sitting in his parents' living room floor a year or so ago. We were talking about his life growing up...prom, graduation, basic training. That's when it first started. "We always thought he would marry her."

Wait.

Back up.

Who is her you are asking?

Well, to make a long-story short...she was his best friend growing up. He was also madly in love with her off-and-on for years throughout middle school and high school. He had never had the right timing, and they just never saw eye-to-eye on a relationship.

Okay.

Continue.

So as I was saying...that was when the doubts began. For two years I listened to constant reminders of who she was. She was a Godly, Christian woman. She was highly involved in...well...everything. She constantly looked for ways to put herself out there, and she was just like me.

But...the difference was...she stayed the same.

College brought out a multitude of changes in my life. One heartbreak too many left me standing dazed and confused without direction. I was apathetic about my own life because of the struggles I had encountered. That was when we started dating. He was my rescuer. He pulled me up and held me close. I felt safe and didn't need anyone else in my life.

Okay...so I realize I really DID need others...but it took a while to figure that out.

Anyway, that was how we fell head over heels for one another. In the end, I listened to everything about her constantly. He spent New Year's Eve with her before I came along. They went on church trips together before I came along. They always talked and hung out before I came along. I was constantly compared to her. Do you know how it feels to question yourself daily in a relationship? Do you know what it is like to continually have to ask yourself if he really loves you and not her? Do you know how awful it is to hear him reassure you over and over...and over...and over that he would never date her. To hear that she isn't his type anymore. To hear that she is too dramatic, too different, too...everything...for him.

But

I doubted.

She was the only person I ever doubted him with. No, I trusted him with her. I knew he wouldn't betray me. I knew he loved me. I knew the ring was on my finger and he was marrying me.

But

That wasn't enough in the end. I felt this deep calling in the core of my being that I would never amount to enough. I wasn't her. I tried EVERYTHING to make that relationship work. I invested my heart, my body, my soul, my being, my finances, my future hopes and dreams, and most importantly...my time.

I waited patiently...

...loyally...

...faithfully...

...prayerfully...

...hopefully.

I waited for him to return safely to be the man I had fallen in love with.

But

He was gone, and I was no longer the one he wanted. Somehow I felt like he wanted her. No one believed me. No one understood where I was coming from.

But

He called off the wedding, and I took my heart with me. I managed to pick myself up off the ground and walk away. I lifted my head when the tears subsided and dedicated my heart to remain loyal. I didn't talk negatively about him. I didn't yell at him. I didn't blame him or try to hurt him. I gave him his space and moved on.

No, I don't long to have him back in my heart. I rather not hold onto something that isn't supposed to be. He and I both knew that when we parted. However, I will forever mourn a part of me.

Just like I mourn the little girl that trusted everything to my Momma and Daddy to take care of me.

Just like I mourn the girl that thought scraped knees were the worst of life's hard-learned lessons.

Just like I mourn the teenager that held onto every ounce of innocence for dear life.

Just like I mourn the graduate that walked across the stage with a light in her eyes for her unknown future.

I mourn the young woman that fell in love with a man that she made a promise to.

Today I realized he had always been in love with her...and for a moment my heart hurt. I don't wish to be dependent on my family for all of my life or unaware of the realities of this world. I don't want to take back every experience that has made me who I am or look out as if everything is perfect. I don't want to be married to a man that makes me wonder if I am good enough for them...

I just hurt for the pain that comes from the betrayal felt. The memories flood back. I wanted to think the best of him. I wanted to know that there was never any doubt from him during the duration of that waiting season of my life. It's an awful price to pay when you have to shed your optimism for reality. I allowed him to make the decision to let us go...I respected it, and am blessed. The Lord is faithful to provide when we are at our weakest. He builds you up higher than you were before, and I would never take back what I have gained these past few months. What I felt was a set-back in my life was a set-up in God's will for my life.

It's just hurtful when you realize what you felt was a lie to someone.

And...

The truth is...

...now I know I was right.