As I mentioned before, coming to terms with the thought of being "weighed up against" other strong women was something I completely had to give over to God. Even weeks prior to being asked to participate in Mrs. Oklahoma, I found myself in a very reflective state as God was softening my heart for this ministry. I remember having this incredible peace that my intent was not to win, but rather to be used by God.
When people would make statements like, "I really think you could win". I couldn't help but share that I had zero expectations of winning as I was going into the competition. I would share that I knew all of the girls would be a great representative for the State of Oklahoma, and I was anxious to get to know them. However, I still wanted to give it my all and quite frankly was terrified.
In preparing for the event, I was so thankful for the support of my dear friend to help me through each of my doubting moments. However, I felt a tug at my heart to stop focusing on myself and think of those around me. I looked over the pictures of each of the delegates online. I began to pray over each of them as I asked God to direct their steps and allow the "right one" to be selected.
I tried to put my best foot forward, and worked through the things that caused me to take my eyes off of Him. Our director announced other opportunities to gain momentum in the competition, and I found myself getting wrapped up in how many Facebook "likes" I had on my page, or asking for votes online. After practicing in my swimsuit with Ginger, I had this overwhelming urge to give up. The steps I had learned were erased from my mind. The confidence I had built up turned into low self-esteem. Despite my best efforts to be contempt, I was anything but. I blamed it on the outfit, and she was gracious enough to go with me (very last minute) to find a back-up.
When I got home that afternoon, I rushed around to get to LifeGroup. Although, my heart was certainly not there. My husband's job had taken him away from me, and his stress level was affecting how he treated me. I was more than frustrated with him, and had little to say. My sister hadn't expressed any excitement or encouragement when I felt like I needed her most. My parents still hadn't purchased their tickets for the show, and I was feeling about the lowest I had in months.
"This isn't about you," I felt God's voice so clear that night.
All along I had stated that this was an open door that I believed God had placed in front of me. I had prayed over this decision and wanted to be obedient in allowing Him to use me as an instrument. But, my actions lately were showing anything but receptiveness on what I was being called to do. I began to make it about how I could look better than the girls around me, how my clothes would gain attention, and how I could ultimately win.
I decided to stop second guessing myself; and, actually hand it over to God no matter what the outcome would be.
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