Part Two
When I first met my husband, there were so many ups and downs laced between the love we were discovering. Despite our differences, a few things were true for us-always. We valued our faith in God, and His unwavering love. We knew that few things in life are more important than family. In fact, jobs would never define who we were as a person but were a way to make life go 'round.
We desired children, and believed they were a blessing to enjoy the abundance of love that we had for one another. Therefore, when we began our marriage, we also began starting our family. We prepared our hearts for children and were crushed when disappointment came-month after month. I grieved the loss of our future children and began to go into a sort of identity crisis. If staying-at-home as a mom was what we had planned, where did this leave me?
Life was in full force, and finances were a burden. With surgeries on the books and medical debt adding up, one income was not an option. I did the practical thing and got a paycheck.
My first job out of college was just that-a job. It was an eight-to-five lifestyle that left me frustrated and empty. I had worked so hard for my education and had nothing to apply it to. Yes, I had dabbled with the idea of going onto get my master's degree, work full time in the field, and make a name for myself as a counselor. However, my heart was still with my dreams.
I began searching for the greatest job and landed at a place that would have made any graduate in my field jealous. It was a program that had everything I had learned. I made a difference in people's lives and valued the work I was doing. But, something was missing. My faith could not be a part of my career in that work.
Therefore, I followed God's call and stepped into the ministry as you've heard all about. The journey was short and not taken lightly. It was through each step that I made it to here. Then, something happened that I never could have imagined.
That same respect and value I had for my mother and grandmother all of these years was absent in those around me. There is something profound that happens when you go from being a "professional" to denying the ways of the world and working in the most important field-your home. That's when, I had to get over my pride and realize that the world's perception of my newfound joy was not the same as my own.
The Lord is shaping my heart, daily. And, this experience will be an incredibly humbling one at that. So, pray in agreement with me that God will use this opportunity for what is good and righteous, and the attacks of those around me may never pierce my heart.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Wherever You Will Go
Being vulnerably transparent, I would have to admit that there is a great amount of guilt that has weighed down my heart over the years. As time moves forward, I'm reminded of how precious every moment truly is. So many of these moments have passed and we can never get them back. I have not always been the best friend. In fact, my humanity has labeled me all too often in my life. I know I have fallen so short of deserving even what I have been blessed with.
However, I owe it to everyone that stood by my side to say, "Thank you." Thank you for believing in me and encouraging me in my darkest hours. Thank you for holding my hand and crying with me when I just needed someone. Thank you for being there and lifting me up. There are a million thank you's deserved. And, although I may never be present in your life again, I hope you know that in my heart I will be wherever you will go to encourage you just the same.
Getting Over My Pride
Part One
As a little girl, I had two of the biggest role models in my life-my Momma and my Gramma. Both of these inspirational figures stayed home with their children from a young age. In reality, I saw them as the wonder women they were. They somehow managed to keep up with more than just the housework, which was a fulltime job in itself. In fact, I knew that their "job" could never be valued with a dollar amount.
Over time, I began to desire the same values that my family had placed within me. I wanted, more than anything, to be a stay-at-home mom. I dreamt of having a huge family, complete with messy dishes and stained furniture. No, I didn't desire perfection-although cleanliness is important to me. I valued the important things. I wanted to train up my children in a way that they would know that love was the greatest thing in life. I wanted a husband that was not just a mate, but was my partner-in-crime...my best friend. Someone I could laugh with, cry with, and be accepted for the person I was.
I began dating these dreams years ago. I searched far and wide and tried to make everything work with anyone that got close. I had the vision. I was going to get married fresh out of high school to a good man, gain an education to apply to my personal life, and start having children to begin our incredibly large and blessed family.
Amidst my dating extravaganzas, I began to compromise who I really was. My standards were lowered as time slipped away. I began questioning my value. What was I really worth? No one wanted me. They made promises and backed out. I tried to hold onto a lie over and over again.
True, God always placed someone in my life at just the right moment to help me gain a level-head. When I got too far away from what was really important, God always used them to pull me back into the truth and shake the poor decisions I had made. Every now and again, I become reminiscent of the joy that was brought into my life in a hugely instrumental way through them. And, I wouldn't be who I am today without them.
As a little girl, I had two of the biggest role models in my life-my Momma and my Gramma. Both of these inspirational figures stayed home with their children from a young age. In reality, I saw them as the wonder women they were. They somehow managed to keep up with more than just the housework, which was a fulltime job in itself. In fact, I knew that their "job" could never be valued with a dollar amount.
Over time, I began to desire the same values that my family had placed within me. I wanted, more than anything, to be a stay-at-home mom. I dreamt of having a huge family, complete with messy dishes and stained furniture. No, I didn't desire perfection-although cleanliness is important to me. I valued the important things. I wanted to train up my children in a way that they would know that love was the greatest thing in life. I wanted a husband that was not just a mate, but was my partner-in-crime...my best friend. Someone I could laugh with, cry with, and be accepted for the person I was.
I began dating these dreams years ago. I searched far and wide and tried to make everything work with anyone that got close. I had the vision. I was going to get married fresh out of high school to a good man, gain an education to apply to my personal life, and start having children to begin our incredibly large and blessed family.
Amidst my dating extravaganzas, I began to compromise who I really was. My standards were lowered as time slipped away. I began questioning my value. What was I really worth? No one wanted me. They made promises and backed out. I tried to hold onto a lie over and over again.
True, God always placed someone in my life at just the right moment to help me gain a level-head. When I got too far away from what was really important, God always used them to pull me back into the truth and shake the poor decisions I had made. Every now and again, I become reminiscent of the joy that was brought into my life in a hugely instrumental way through them. And, I wouldn't be who I am today without them.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Let's Do Life Together
After years of inactively attending our church, we made the decision last January to make LifeChurch.tv NW OKC our home. With the exception of being gone a couple weeks due to illness/surgery, we decided we were going to make an effort to be there every week. Following this decision came a number of other decisions and blessings we were able to experience.
One weekend, a couple casually mentioned that they were considering leading a LifeGroup. As a Christ-centered family, they felt God pulling at their hearts to lead other couples in what is really important: God first, then your marriage.
They wanted to be intentional about doing life together with others, and focus on what they felt was important to them. So, they pursued their calling and started our small group.
January 17th, we had the honor of sitting beside temporary strangers as we went to a marriage conference with our leaders and the other couples that God had instrumentally placed in our group. It's amazing how something so incredible happens when you open your heart and take a step of faith.
I cannot wait to get to know each of the families that we are now blessed to have in our family-away-from-our-family. It's exciting to know that the best is up ahead, and see what is in store as we do life together.
- Praying genuine, real-time prayers as well as prayers for our future children
- Trusting God financially-despite bills showing up each month, we always had an abundance at the end of the day to take care of our needs and some of our wants
- Serving when our church needed someone to help-Joshua spent countless hours and energy working in preparation for our Summer series, getting to know a number of great new friends
- Praying over our jobs- the answers only to come by the amazing mercy of God. And, although we were struggling in our marriage at times, it was evident that He placed me positionally for success in our marriage by joining the ministry
One weekend, a couple casually mentioned that they were considering leading a LifeGroup. As a Christ-centered family, they felt God pulling at their hearts to lead other couples in what is really important: God first, then your marriage.
They wanted to be intentional about doing life together with others, and focus on what they felt was important to them. So, they pursued their calling and started our small group.
January 17th, we had the honor of sitting beside temporary strangers as we went to a marriage conference with our leaders and the other couples that God had instrumentally placed in our group. It's amazing how something so incredible happens when you open your heart and take a step of faith.
I cannot wait to get to know each of the families that we are now blessed to have in our family-away-from-our-family. It's exciting to know that the best is up ahead, and see what is in store as we do life together.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Housewife
From the very moment I accepted God's command on my life to be obedient to His calling, He blessed me with more than I could ever have hoped for.
The holidays were filled with family and friends as we continued in our day-to-day lives. I worked my eight-to-five, taught on Thursday evenings, and prayed for the weekends. We would use our spare moments to get into the hustle and bustle of the season as we prepared for Christmas.
In my role, I did what I was told and began to search for answers. In a culture that values personal development, I took part in self-awareness trainings. As I sat in a room full of almost-strangers, I listened to everyone list out their strengths.
"It's amazing how everyone's role fits perfectly with their strengths," a co-worker said.
That's when I knew there was more than let down expectations in my doubt. Why, why would God put me in a role that stretched me so much outside of my comfort zone? When people told me how good I was doing, all I could think was, "you have no idea how hard it has been on me."
As an extrovert, I struggled being in front of a computer all day.
As a teacher and counselor, I had no one to help.
As a light into the world, everyone's lamp was already lit.
As a leader, I was in the corner.
As a relational being, I had no one.
No one, but God that is.
As a wife, I was absent.
Through my short time in my church, God blessed me with the opportunity to turn my thoughts to Him.
With God's provision-in His perfect timing-He paid for our largest financial debt. With one less bill to pay, we had the ability to think about our future in a way we never had. Just like that, a lifelong dream of being the person I have always wanted to be was coming true. And, with the support of my husband, we took a step of faith and I went from being Purchasing Coordinator to "Housewife".
Here's to the future and a deeper calling.
The holidays were filled with family and friends as we continued in our day-to-day lives. I worked my eight-to-five, taught on Thursday evenings, and prayed for the weekends. We would use our spare moments to get into the hustle and bustle of the season as we prepared for Christmas.
In my role, I did what I was told and began to search for answers. In a culture that values personal development, I took part in self-awareness trainings. As I sat in a room full of almost-strangers, I listened to everyone list out their strengths.
"It's amazing how everyone's role fits perfectly with their strengths," a co-worker said.
That's when I knew there was more than let down expectations in my doubt. Why, why would God put me in a role that stretched me so much outside of my comfort zone? When people told me how good I was doing, all I could think was, "you have no idea how hard it has been on me."
As an extrovert, I struggled being in front of a computer all day.
As a teacher and counselor, I had no one to help.
As a light into the world, everyone's lamp was already lit.
As a leader, I was in the corner.
As a relational being, I had no one.
No one, but God that is.
As a wife, I was absent.
Through my short time in my church, God blessed me with the opportunity to turn my thoughts to Him.
- To allow Him to guide my day
- To find energy in Him to get me through one more spreadsheet
- To decompress after a long day
- To find rest in Him
- To find joy in His morning
With God's provision-in His perfect timing-He paid for our largest financial debt. With one less bill to pay, we had the ability to think about our future in a way we never had. Just like that, a lifelong dream of being the person I have always wanted to be was coming true. And, with the support of my husband, we took a step of faith and I went from being Purchasing Coordinator to "Housewife".
Here's to the future and a deeper calling.
Walking Target
The past three months have been filled with more joy, more pain, more confusion, and more ups-and-downs than I ever could have imagined.
Walking into my first day of my new job, I was immediately overwhelmed with nervous excitement. Starting something that would remove 99% of the emotional stress I had been dealing with over the past year, I was anxious to have my life back.
My first day was, needless to say, exhausting. I met new faces, had a couple of meetings with my boss, and began the tasks of my position as "Purchasing Coordinator".
Let me just say, even when I applied for this position it wasn't exactly what I would have picked for my future. But, all-in-all I knew that God was leading me-tugging at my heart-to trust Him and be obedient. So, there I was.
Sitting in a quiet office space in the middle of the FOG (Financial Operations Group). I quickly got adjusted into the fast pace of my job as I would take on close to 50, 60, 80 emails in a given day. I made purchases, invoices came through and coding was accounted for. I saw everything from swimming pool requests to baby dolls come across my desk. Everyone had a beautifully creative idea for a new shirt or promotional item to witness to others. I helped create projects and process them down to the very last detail. I was busy.
With the Christmas season around the corner, joy and giving was in the air. Therefore, campuses were requested everything they could think of to express their gratitude to volunteers and team members with the perfect gift. Spreadsheets were required with numbers, formulas, and percentages I hadn't used since high school.
Despite the fact that I was getting a paycheck for all that I was doing, I never wanted this to be "just a job". I was serving my church and the ministry in a way that was honorable and pleasing to God. But, there were days that I would question, "Why, of all places, did you put me in finance?"
And, even though I didn't know what I got myself into all I could think of as I left work was, "I get to spend the entire evening with my husband. And, I get to do this again tomorrow." Therefore, my role in the finance department didn't seem quite so bad.
The first month of my role was brutal. There is something that happens-almost like clockwork-when the enemy watches you be responsive to God's will. You suddenly become a walking target. Believe me, I felt the dagger through my heart as Satan attacked all that was important to me-starting with my marriage.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a purpose within my marriage. And, I will be honest. Thanks to Satan, my marriage was anything but what it should have been at this point. It was, in fact, the very thing that was destroying me. The hateful words, the emotional jabs, the insecurities-they filled my marriage. My relationship was put under a microscope as I had to finally face the fact that we were not "okay". I felt like we were strangers living under one roof. For the first time in our marriage, we were on great schedules that allowed us to spend time with one another. But, this meant all the more opportunity to find things wrong.
"He doesn't understand you."
"You deserve to be treated better."
"When was the last time he made you feel valued?"
"He doesn't even care about you-much less love you."
"Why did you even get married?"
These were the questions that haunted me every single night. My thoughts got lost in the past and I began thinking about regrets. I lost sleep, lost weight, and patience. Over time, I felt helpless and believed these things that the Devil was placing within me. Until, I gave up.
Yes, I literally gave up. I thought that it didn't matter one way or the other, my marriage was falling apart. I was thankful I didn't have a child. And, I gave everything over to God. I prayed with all of my might for God to provide clarity-for Him to use this situation to benefit His will. I prayed for peace and a change.
That's when God's perfect purpose was made known. My job became hugely instrumental in mentoring me through the pain, linking me with support, and providing me with friends that were there to push me through. God molded my husband's heart and made him beautifully vulnerable to share his feelings with me. He turned from this stone cold man that I didn't want to be around to the person that I didn't want to give up on.
If only for a second, I saw a glimmer of hope that was put into action through my faith. I began to pray for him and ask God to bless our marriage. To turn my selfishness into understanding and love. To take responsibility for my part. I wanted to become the woman, the wife, I was created to be.
Walking into my first day of my new job, I was immediately overwhelmed with nervous excitement. Starting something that would remove 99% of the emotional stress I had been dealing with over the past year, I was anxious to have my life back.
My first day was, needless to say, exhausting. I met new faces, had a couple of meetings with my boss, and began the tasks of my position as "Purchasing Coordinator".
Let me just say, even when I applied for this position it wasn't exactly what I would have picked for my future. But, all-in-all I knew that God was leading me-tugging at my heart-to trust Him and be obedient. So, there I was.
Sitting in a quiet office space in the middle of the FOG (Financial Operations Group). I quickly got adjusted into the fast pace of my job as I would take on close to 50, 60, 80 emails in a given day. I made purchases, invoices came through and coding was accounted for. I saw everything from swimming pool requests to baby dolls come across my desk. Everyone had a beautifully creative idea for a new shirt or promotional item to witness to others. I helped create projects and process them down to the very last detail. I was busy.
With the Christmas season around the corner, joy and giving was in the air. Therefore, campuses were requested everything they could think of to express their gratitude to volunteers and team members with the perfect gift. Spreadsheets were required with numbers, formulas, and percentages I hadn't used since high school.
Despite the fact that I was getting a paycheck for all that I was doing, I never wanted this to be "just a job". I was serving my church and the ministry in a way that was honorable and pleasing to God. But, there were days that I would question, "Why, of all places, did you put me in finance?"
And, even though I didn't know what I got myself into all I could think of as I left work was, "I get to spend the entire evening with my husband. And, I get to do this again tomorrow." Therefore, my role in the finance department didn't seem quite so bad.
The first month of my role was brutal. There is something that happens-almost like clockwork-when the enemy watches you be responsive to God's will. You suddenly become a walking target. Believe me, I felt the dagger through my heart as Satan attacked all that was important to me-starting with my marriage.
Anyone that knows me, knows that I have a purpose within my marriage. And, I will be honest. Thanks to Satan, my marriage was anything but what it should have been at this point. It was, in fact, the very thing that was destroying me. The hateful words, the emotional jabs, the insecurities-they filled my marriage. My relationship was put under a microscope as I had to finally face the fact that we were not "okay". I felt like we were strangers living under one roof. For the first time in our marriage, we were on great schedules that allowed us to spend time with one another. But, this meant all the more opportunity to find things wrong.
"He doesn't understand you."
"You deserve to be treated better."
"When was the last time he made you feel valued?"
"He doesn't even care about you-much less love you."
"Why did you even get married?"
These were the questions that haunted me every single night. My thoughts got lost in the past and I began thinking about regrets. I lost sleep, lost weight, and patience. Over time, I felt helpless and believed these things that the Devil was placing within me. Until, I gave up.
Yes, I literally gave up. I thought that it didn't matter one way or the other, my marriage was falling apart. I was thankful I didn't have a child. And, I gave everything over to God. I prayed with all of my might for God to provide clarity-for Him to use this situation to benefit His will. I prayed for peace and a change.
That's when God's perfect purpose was made known. My job became hugely instrumental in mentoring me through the pain, linking me with support, and providing me with friends that were there to push me through. God molded my husband's heart and made him beautifully vulnerable to share his feelings with me. He turned from this stone cold man that I didn't want to be around to the person that I didn't want to give up on.
If only for a second, I saw a glimmer of hope that was put into action through my faith. I began to pray for him and ask God to bless our marriage. To turn my selfishness into understanding and love. To take responsibility for my part. I wanted to become the woman, the wife, I was created to be.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
Christmas 2013
The Christmas season was filled with the countless to do's that come with the end of the year. Work days were long and evenings were short. However, we somehow managed to fit in the Christmas shopping that makes my heart so joyous.
There is something about knowing that this is the one time of the year that no one thinks twice when you show up with a pretty package to show them how much they are loved. And, I must say, I love giving gifts. In fact, I tend to keep a running list of things mentioned throughout the year in people's "wants" to help surprise them with a perfectly thoughtful item. '
Now, I get that it may take a total of 3.7 seconds to rip into a package and unwrap it, but I can't help wanting everything about the token of my love to be presented in a way that says, "I care about you." Therefore, I spent hours wrapping each of the prettiest packages for my loved ones and tucking them under the tree until Christmas arrived.
True, nothing I came up with could even come close to the gift I had received-Jesus Christ.
It is the time of year that I am reminded of how thankful I should be for all of the many, many blessings that have been poured over me and my family. I pray for each of you during this joyous season that you will humbled as you remember the true meaning of Christmas.
And to all a goodnight.
There is something about knowing that this is the one time of the year that no one thinks twice when you show up with a pretty package to show them how much they are loved. And, I must say, I love giving gifts. In fact, I tend to keep a running list of things mentioned throughout the year in people's "wants" to help surprise them with a perfectly thoughtful item. '
Now, I get that it may take a total of 3.7 seconds to rip into a package and unwrap it, but I can't help wanting everything about the token of my love to be presented in a way that says, "I care about you." Therefore, I spent hours wrapping each of the prettiest packages for my loved ones and tucking them under the tree until Christmas arrived.
True, nothing I came up with could even come close to the gift I had received-Jesus Christ.
It is the time of year that I am reminded of how thankful I should be for all of the many, many blessings that have been poured over me and my family. I pray for each of you during this joyous season that you will humbled as you remember the true meaning of Christmas.
And to all a goodnight.
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