...continued.
A young lady let us know that our table was ready as she walked us to our seats. After a few minutes of taking in the atmosphere, our waiter greeted us with the drink specials. We had a moment to browse the menu as we selected which entrees we would dare to try.
Hubby ordered the filet mignon (a sweet backup in case mine wasn't to my liking) while I had the rack of lamb. The chef brought us out a taste of salmon mousse (too bad I found out approximately two years ago that I am highly allergic to seafood). I politely pushed mine aside as the waiter gave us each two delicious dinner rolls-1)A sun-dried tomato puff and 2)a delicious jalapeno with creamy boursin filling. Dinner arrived in a reasonable amount of time as we talked about our week.
My. Food. Was. Delicious.
The lamb was so tender that it fell apart with a fork. The juices were flavorful while the carrots and potatoes were just right. Hubby's steak was cooked perfectly while the garlic and butter perfectly melted into the meat.
If anyone knows me, they know that I am certainly a meat and potatoes kind of girl. That being said, I was leaning towards eating another helping before reaching for dessert; however, we ordered the waiter's recommendation for something sweet with a cup of coffee.
After filling ourselves to the brim, we finally decided to throw in the towel. We politely asked if there was a quiet place we could sit and admire the view as we were asked to take a seat on the bench. Being misunderstood, the manager came up to us and took us for a tour on the north side of the tower-asking what type of event we were looking to hold there. Embarrassed, we quickly let them know it was just for future endeavors and he slipped us his business card.
We walked to the elevator that seemed to go even faster while using gravity in its favor. I snapped a couple last photos as we made our way back to the pickup truck. The air was cool, but my heart was warm as I reached for the hand of my husband. I couldn't help but be overwhelmed by the amount of love I have been blessed with.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Friday, May 3, 2013
Vast, Beyond all Measure
It's Friday, it's Friday,
My favorite day of the working week!
Partially because I only work a short day on Friday, partially because I spend the afternoon with my grandparents, and partially because it is the beginning of a great break from the routine-I love Fridays.
I started the day off right with Chick-fil-a chicken and biscuits (courtesy my amazing employer) and a chance to brag on my co-workers in our monthly meeting. After the usual what-nots around the office, I went back to my desk to play catch up (and fix the catch-all that my desk had become over the busy week). As a case manager, the appropriate caseload for an individual would be anywhere between 15-25 clients. On the flipside, my caseload has officially reached 65+. I often thank God for blessing me with a memory to keep track of their names, family histories, children's names, and important details to connect on their level. That same memory, however, can be seen as a blessing and a curse. I don't seem to forget anything.
I often find it difficult to separate work from my personal life. I mean, who wouldn't in my shoes? I go home and wonder if some of my couples will have a roof over their heads that evening, if they had running water or went without food again, if their children are being watched and taken care of, if their pasts are keeping them awake, and whether they are reliving the cycle of violence they grew up in. Therefore, Friday is my official cue that I don't have to worry about these things until the next week. I have provided resources and assistance alongside the education of the curriculum to keep these couples safe-if only for a weekend.
So, I wrapped up my day that morning and headed out for a few days with the fam. First stop, Gramma and Pawpaw's.
I may or may not be a little bitspoiled loved. After picking up some meat to take to the parents for a delicious cookout the Sunday prior, I mentioned to my grandparents that we needed to buy some ribs to throw on the grill next time. Low and behold, I was greeted with a hug and a kiss from each of them, and a big plate of yummy barbecued ribs! Homemade potato salad and strawberries n' cream were the perfect sides for a filling lunch. We talked about the usual things we do every week and laughed our cares away.
Driving into the area, I spotted a garage sale sign around the corner from their house (one of my Gramma's favorite hobbies). We hopped in the van and ran around the nearby neighborhoods and spent our afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
On my way home, I called my sweet hubby to see if he had left the dungeon (AKA his job). I asked what the plans were for the evening and he said we were going to go out to eat.
"With the family?" I asked.
"No," he said, "we have reservations at 8:30pm.
He continued from there to let me know that we had reservations at Vast, a fancy restaurant at the top of the tallest building from here to the Mississippi (maybe). I was so shocked I couldn't help but argue with him. Sure enough, he got home and began to ask if I was going to get ready to go. I put on a pretty new dress and my bubblegum pink heels for a night on the town.
The sunset was beautiful, and I couldn't wait to get there. We were fortunate enough to find a parking place right up front (and it was FREE). The building seemed to reach into the sky and glistened in the light.
As we rounded the corner in the atrium, we spotted the sign to the restaurant. There was a hostess sitting outside the door and she asked our name. After hubby confirmed the reservations, she opened a large glass door and directed us to the elevators.
49th floor.
I do believe it took less time to get up to the 49th floor than it does to get to the second at my work. My ears poppedthree four times before we reached the top. My stomach turned a flip as I took one step off the elevator and had to reach for my husband. I literally felt like I stepped into a different state. We were directed to a long bench while we waited to be seated. The entire wait staff was dressed to a T as they made their way around the room effortlessly. Everyone walked at a steady pace-no rushing.
To be continued...
My favorite day of the working week!
Partially because I only work a short day on Friday, partially because I spend the afternoon with my grandparents, and partially because it is the beginning of a great break from the routine-I love Fridays.
I started the day off right with Chick-fil-a chicken and biscuits (courtesy my amazing employer) and a chance to brag on my co-workers in our monthly meeting. After the usual what-nots around the office, I went back to my desk to play catch up (and fix the catch-all that my desk had become over the busy week). As a case manager, the appropriate caseload for an individual would be anywhere between 15-25 clients. On the flipside, my caseload has officially reached 65+. I often thank God for blessing me with a memory to keep track of their names, family histories, children's names, and important details to connect on their level. That same memory, however, can be seen as a blessing and a curse. I don't seem to forget anything.
I often find it difficult to separate work from my personal life. I mean, who wouldn't in my shoes? I go home and wonder if some of my couples will have a roof over their heads that evening, if they had running water or went without food again, if their children are being watched and taken care of, if their pasts are keeping them awake, and whether they are reliving the cycle of violence they grew up in. Therefore, Friday is my official cue that I don't have to worry about these things until the next week. I have provided resources and assistance alongside the education of the curriculum to keep these couples safe-if only for a weekend.
So, I wrapped up my day that morning and headed out for a few days with the fam. First stop, Gramma and Pawpaw's.
I may or may not be a little bit
Driving into the area, I spotted a garage sale sign around the corner from their house (one of my Gramma's favorite hobbies). We hopped in the van and ran around the nearby neighborhoods and spent our afternoon enjoying the sunshine.
On my way home, I called my sweet hubby to see if he had left the dungeon (AKA his job). I asked what the plans were for the evening and he said we were going to go out to eat.
"With the family?" I asked.
"No," he said, "we have reservations at 8:30pm.
He continued from there to let me know that we had reservations at Vast, a fancy restaurant at the top of the tallest building from here to the Mississippi (maybe). I was so shocked I couldn't help but argue with him. Sure enough, he got home and began to ask if I was going to get ready to go. I put on a pretty new dress and my bubblegum pink heels for a night on the town.
The sunset was beautiful, and I couldn't wait to get there. We were fortunate enough to find a parking place right up front (and it was FREE). The building seemed to reach into the sky and glistened in the light.
 |
| All dolled up for dinner. |
 |
| My handsome hubby in his trendy attire. |
As we rounded the corner in the atrium, we spotted the sign to the restaurant. There was a hostess sitting outside the door and she asked our name. After hubby confirmed the reservations, she opened a large glass door and directed us to the elevators.
49th floor.
I do believe it took less time to get up to the 49th floor than it does to get to the second at my work. My ears popped
To be continued...
Thursday, May 2, 2013
I've Got Sunshine.
It doesn't seem too much to ask to have expectations for your birthday. I suppose I just thought it would be nice if the entire world (including the sunshine) would want to wake up that morning and celebrate...well...me. You can imagine my disappointment when I looked at the weather the day before my birthday and saw that a record low would be making its way into Oklahoma on the following day.
You can imagine my reaction when I rounded the corner after venting to my coworkers, only to find a beautiful banner with the words, "I've got sunshine on my birthday". Encircling my entire desk, picture after picture of sunshine surrounded me. All I could do was shed a happy tear and hug the necks of those I share 8 or more hours of my day with.
The following morning I went to bed only to wake up to my husbands cheerful voice singing happy birthday and beautiful clothes hanging in front of me-a peach floral dress and a sheer top (with appropriate attire to wear beneath them).
Once at work, I was greeted with a beautiful card and homemade strawberry jam (my favorite).
I rushed off that morning to attend my first meeting and wrapped it up with a sweet birthday wish and striped pink bag. Inside was a package of my favorite ink pens and bright-yellow wallet.
Minutes later, my coworkers called me into the supervisor's office where each of my friends stood around delicious angel-food cakes, a handmade banner with personal notes, and a sweet card each of them signed. As I stood there, they asked me to open the card-only to find an additional note sharing how much they cared about me. Then, paperclipped behind the note was...
...$103.00.
I. was. speechless.
Tears flooded my face as I thought of each of the sacrifices my coworkers must have made to contribute to making my birthday special. Money is tight, and we certainly don't do what we do for the cash.
"Thank you," was all I could say as the tears continued to stream down my cheeks.
I spent my lunch hour trying to do justice for the gift I had received-making thank you emails to each of my coworkers. Then, I went about my day.
That night was equally as special as I wrapped up at my desk and found a single yellow rose and a sticky note from a dear friend. "Happy Birthday. Thought your day deserved some bright and cheery! Love, Ginger".
Wow.
I walked in to teach my class only to be greeted with two of the sweetest people I have the pleasure of serving. In their hands was a large white bag as they shared they had brought me some delicious goodies to celebrate my big day, and boy were they delicious!
I shared the yummy brownies and cookies that the dad had brought from his work at the Devon towers downtown (he is such a talented chef). Then, we wrapped up class that evening with everyone singing in chorus that birthday song!
I couldn't wait to get home to my hubby and share my day with him. That night I ended it the same day it began-with a hug and a kiss from the man of my dreams.
Sunshine-filled days are the best.
You can imagine my reaction when I rounded the corner after venting to my coworkers, only to find a beautiful banner with the words, "I've got sunshine on my birthday". Encircling my entire desk, picture after picture of sunshine surrounded me. All I could do was shed a happy tear and hug the necks of those I share 8 or more hours of my day with.
The following morning I went to bed only to wake up to my husbands cheerful voice singing happy birthday and beautiful clothes hanging in front of me-a peach floral dress and a sheer top (with appropriate attire to wear beneath them).
Once at work, I was greeted with a beautiful card and homemade strawberry jam (my favorite). 
I rushed off that morning to attend my first meeting and wrapped it up with a sweet birthday wish and striped pink bag. Inside was a package of my favorite ink pens and bright-yellow wallet. 
Minutes later, my coworkers called me into the supervisor's office where each of my friends stood around delicious angel-food cakes, a handmade banner with personal notes, and a sweet card each of them signed. As I stood there, they asked me to open the card-only to find an additional note sharing how much they cared about me. Then, paperclipped behind the note was......$103.00.
I. was. speechless.
Tears flooded my face as I thought of each of the sacrifices my coworkers must have made to contribute to making my birthday special. Money is tight, and we certainly don't do what we do for the cash.
"Thank you," was all I could say as the tears continued to stream down my cheeks.
I spent my lunch hour trying to do justice for the gift I had received-making thank you emails to each of my coworkers. Then, I went about my day.
That night was equally as special as I wrapped up at my desk and found a single yellow rose and a sticky note from a dear friend. "Happy Birthday. Thought your day deserved some bright and cheery! Love, Ginger".
Wow.
I walked in to teach my class only to be greeted with two of the sweetest people I have the pleasure of serving. In their hands was a large white bag as they shared they had brought me some delicious goodies to celebrate my big day, and boy were they delicious!
I shared the yummy brownies and cookies that the dad had brought from his work at the Devon towers downtown (he is such a talented chef). Then, we wrapped up class that evening with everyone singing in chorus that birthday song!
I couldn't wait to get home to my hubby and share my day with him. That night I ended it the same day it began-with a hug and a kiss from the man of my dreams.
Sunshine-filled days are the best.
Monday, April 29, 2013
God
There are several things that I have grown inevitably closer to as time goes on. First, and foremost, is my personal relationship with God. He has taught me true dependency. Without Him, I don't exist.
You see, it is somewhat difficult to continually look at the purpose behind the heartache. In my heart, I know that God has a plan and His timing is infinitely better than my own. In my head, however, I question the storm I am prisoner of-the strong winds that blow, the clouds that block the sunshine, and the rain that pounds in my soul. I am surrounded by happy families that sweep me up in a whirlwind, the financial and emotional barriers to getting our little girl home and the neverending rut of unexpected bills, and the tears that well up inside at the lack of understanding from those around me. I often feel trapped like the car on the side of the road-stuck until the rain lessens and provides clarity of the path to get home.
Sometimes the most meaningful conversations come out of the moments when you can't seem to lift your head off the ground. Your face is pressed tightly against the floor as you pray for the tunnel to pass and hold on with every ounce of your being until the sirens fade. You pray for your life and you learn very suddently to depend on God.
In the past I found myself constantly searching for the approval from others, never stopping to see the beauty within that He created me to be. I pray for my actions to reflect what He designed my life to be. I yearned for acceptance and would bend to meet others where they were. I compromised.
You see, it is somewhat difficult to continually look at the purpose behind the heartache. In my heart, I know that God has a plan and His timing is infinitely better than my own. In my head, however, I question the storm I am prisoner of-the strong winds that blow, the clouds that block the sunshine, and the rain that pounds in my soul. I am surrounded by happy families that sweep me up in a whirlwind, the financial and emotional barriers to getting our little girl home and the neverending rut of unexpected bills, and the tears that well up inside at the lack of understanding from those around me. I often feel trapped like the car on the side of the road-stuck until the rain lessens and provides clarity of the path to get home.
Sometimes the most meaningful conversations come out of the moments when you can't seem to lift your head off the ground. Your face is pressed tightly against the floor as you pray for the tunnel to pass and hold on with every ounce of your being until the sirens fade. You pray for your life and you learn very suddently to depend on God.
In the past I found myself constantly searching for the approval from others, never stopping to see the beauty within that He created me to be. I pray for my actions to reflect what He designed my life to be. I yearned for acceptance and would bend to meet others where they were. I compromised.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
April Showers Bring May Flowers
...and birthdays!
The Friday before my birthday I had the opportunity to go over to my grandparents' house after getting off of work early. This is one of my favorite days of the week that I get the honor of spending with two of the sweetest, most inspirational people in the world.
A few weeks ago, my sweet Gramma fixed me a wilted salad for lunch. I didn't know what I was missing until then! Leaf lettuce, radishes, green onions, bacon crumbles...what isn't to love? And, after sharing how yummy the experience was, she decided to make it again.
With Spring in the air, we decided it was garage sale weather and sweet hubby took off to lay out a few items in the driveway. Therefore, he too had the pleasure of a Friday afternoon with the grandparents.
After enjoying our delicious salad and cornbread, we headed to the house and spent the afternoon in the front yard. The sun was warm, but the wind was chilly. Getting a late start, not very many people came to our humble abode to purchase their long-lost treasures. We decided to call it a night and try again in the morning when the crowd was there.
That evening we decided to enjoy dinner with the fam at our favorite taco truck. We stuffed our stomachs full of delicious coffee-rubbed steak meat before topping it off with a cup of jo at our new BJ's.
We turned into the parking lot to enjoy Pizookies and ice cream just as the storm came in. We ran through the rain and stayed long enough to shut the place down. Knowing we had to get up early for our garage sale, we called it a night and headed home.
Apparently the storm we felt was just the icing on the cake for the main event in our neighborhood. Tree limbs were down, leaves were everywhere, and piles of hail stood inches thick at our house.
The next morning, my sweet hubby woke me up early to get a head start on our sale. He decided it would be best to start the day off with a yummy donut from our local shop. We drove down the street into town and picked up a couple paper bags with sweet bakery treats. As we headed back onto the interstate, Mr. I'mgoodattwistingthetruth "missed" the turn to get back to our house. I calmly pointed it out as he stated we had no where to be and would take the long way home. Which I believed until...
...we started driving to Midwest City.
At this point, I noticed hubby looking at his phone and picking up an envelope with scribbles all over it. I asked where we were going and if he needed help. Of course he declined and headed off the highway onto a dirt road. "Stanley Draper Lake" the sign read.
"I think I went the wrong way," he stated.
Again, I offered to help after letting him know we might need to find a nearby ladies' room when he found out where he was.
We rounded the corner as he rolled down the window where a car was coming in the opposite direction. Thinking he was asking for directions, I was shocked to see my parents in the car beside us.
"What are you doing here?" I questioned.
"Looking for you," they continued as my husband mentioned we needed to find a restroom facility.
We drove to the marina to take a potty break where I learned my husband had been planning an adventure for the entire family to celebrate my birthday. I have always wanted to go horseback riding, and although I had been on a sluggish trail years ago, I yearned to open the reigns and gallop in the country.
Much to my surprise, he had planned for the two of us to spend two full hours on the happy trails with my parents, sister and future brother-in-law, and six year old niece.
Yipppee!!
The Friday before my birthday I had the opportunity to go over to my grandparents' house after getting off of work early. This is one of my favorite days of the week that I get the honor of spending with two of the sweetest, most inspirational people in the world.
A few weeks ago, my sweet Gramma fixed me a wilted salad for lunch. I didn't know what I was missing until then! Leaf lettuce, radishes, green onions, bacon crumbles...what isn't to love? And, after sharing how yummy the experience was, she decided to make it again.
With Spring in the air, we decided it was garage sale weather and sweet hubby took off to lay out a few items in the driveway. Therefore, he too had the pleasure of a Friday afternoon with the grandparents.
After enjoying our delicious salad and cornbread, we headed to the house and spent the afternoon in the front yard. The sun was warm, but the wind was chilly. Getting a late start, not very many people came to our humble abode to purchase their long-lost treasures. We decided to call it a night and try again in the morning when the crowd was there.
That evening we decided to enjoy dinner with the fam at our favorite taco truck. We stuffed our stomachs full of delicious coffee-rubbed steak meat before topping it off with a cup of jo at our new BJ's.
We turned into the parking lot to enjoy Pizookies and ice cream just as the storm came in. We ran through the rain and stayed long enough to shut the place down. Knowing we had to get up early for our garage sale, we called it a night and headed home.
Apparently the storm we felt was just the icing on the cake for the main event in our neighborhood. Tree limbs were down, leaves were everywhere, and piles of hail stood inches thick at our house.
The next morning, my sweet hubby woke me up early to get a head start on our sale. He decided it would be best to start the day off with a yummy donut from our local shop. We drove down the street into town and picked up a couple paper bags with sweet bakery treats. As we headed back onto the interstate, Mr. I'mgoodattwistingthetruth "missed" the turn to get back to our house. I calmly pointed it out as he stated we had no where to be and would take the long way home. Which I believed until...
...we started driving to Midwest City.
At this point, I noticed hubby looking at his phone and picking up an envelope with scribbles all over it. I asked where we were going and if he needed help. Of course he declined and headed off the highway onto a dirt road. "Stanley Draper Lake" the sign read.
"I think I went the wrong way," he stated.
Again, I offered to help after letting him know we might need to find a nearby ladies' room when he found out where he was.
We rounded the corner as he rolled down the window where a car was coming in the opposite direction. Thinking he was asking for directions, I was shocked to see my parents in the car beside us.
"What are you doing here?" I questioned.
"Looking for you," they continued as my husband mentioned we needed to find a restroom facility.
We drove to the marina to take a potty break where I learned my husband had been planning an adventure for the entire family to celebrate my birthday. I have always wanted to go horseback riding, and although I had been on a sluggish trail years ago, I yearned to open the reigns and gallop in the country.
Much to my surprise, he had planned for the two of us to spend two full hours on the happy trails with my parents, sister and future brother-in-law, and six year old niece.
Yipppee!!
Monday, April 8, 2013
Surgery- Part Deux
It has been a little over a year since my last surgery. For the last decade, I have struggled with personal health problems. It seems like a never-ending battle of pokes and prods, tests and results, diagnosis and treatments, and ongoing symptoms.
October of 2011 brought, yet another, ache and pain. After going to my regular doctor, I was lead to believe (once again) that medication was the only solution to my problems. I was anything but satisfied with this answer and chose to ask around for some leads as to where else I could turn.
This time I took the not so subtle hint my body was giving me and transferred to a different physician to see if they could find anything the other millions of doctors hadn't. My doctor was very persistent and hopeful that she could help me. With one round of testing, I officially had "something" that might serve as an answer. In fact, by the beginning of January I was in an awful hospital gown counting down as the surgeon began to remove the mass they had found.
The surgery went smoothly, but my body had a difficult time waking up after the anesthesia. In fact, after making it home I was back in the doctor's office taking care of minor complications that couldn't have been predicted. I thank the good Lord that the issues unraveled the way they did as He continued to provide for me and take care of my body-even under the doctor's own mistakes and allow us the finances to pay off the measly $4300+ it cost us.
The last year I have lived hopeful that all was solved and I was going to finally live the life I had dreamt of.
Pain? What's that?
Nagging symptoms? Non-existent.
A new job, wrapping up my final studies to obtain my certification, trainings and new opportunities-the year was filled with blessings.
However, January 2013 brought another unexpected turn. The symptoms I thought were in the past were sneaking back into my life. In denial, I waited until March before finally going to the doctor. This time, the physician that was previously hopeful and wouldn't give up on me had decided there was nothing more she could do.
After speaking with those around me, I finally went to a well renowned specialist in the metro. The PA was amazing and spoke to both my husband and me about the hope that lies ahead. Shining light on that which could be positive, she immediately got me in for testing. Three trips for blood work and one diagnostic center later, I had some clarity. The tests had shown that my body wasn't producing what it should be and may need a little help to do so. On the other hand, there were two more masses where the one had been a year prior. They wanted to schedule surgery as soon as possible to take care of them and another procedure to help one of my organs work properly.
So, here I am. It is three days before my birthday...just a few weeks from our anniversary. A few weeks ago I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my sweet hubby and now I'm planning on putting a down payment on another surgery.
How much will it be this time? I can't help but ask as I watch our savings dwindle even more and the wish of being a mom slip farther away. It's frustrating to think that each time we seem to get one step ahead, we fall two more behind. A penny saved becomes a nickel spent. I often ask God why the journey to our baby girl is such a long one. When others around me spend nine months in preparation for their little one, we spend years. When they are sent a bill when they leave the hospital with their baby in their arms, we must have $30K up front. When others start piggy banks and set up savings accounts, we are breaking into ours and setting up payment plans.
Just as before, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of support God has graced us with:
Physicians to lead us and be used as instruments for God's healing power,
Friends and family to pray for us and lay their hands on our aching hearts,
A Lord that loves us unconditionally and doesn't mind the questioning when we don't understand, and the God of the universe that holds time in His hands and knows all the answers we long to know.
I know in the end, you are so worth it baby Bailey. The struggles and heart aches that we experience now will shape us for tomorrow. Amidst all the pain and frustrations, I am so very blessed with that which I do have-a roof over my head, a full belly, and a family full of love. Your daddy loves me so much and puts up with quite an awful lot of things from me. He listens to my vents and stands beside me to help push me along when I don't always want to do what needs to be done. He is there. Period. He never leaves when things get hard. He teaches me patience and doesn't mind the wait. It makes me realize that I am blessed with the time to wait.
Little one, you are so blessed to have the family I see standing beside me over the years. I cannot wait for you to meet them; but, until we can hold you in our arms we hold you in our hearts and prayers. You are so very loved, and even though your mommy is a little scared about these surgeries, I know it is the right thing to do to get me closer to you.
October of 2011 brought, yet another, ache and pain. After going to my regular doctor, I was lead to believe (once again) that medication was the only solution to my problems. I was anything but satisfied with this answer and chose to ask around for some leads as to where else I could turn.
This time I took the not so subtle hint my body was giving me and transferred to a different physician to see if they could find anything the other millions of doctors hadn't. My doctor was very persistent and hopeful that she could help me. With one round of testing, I officially had "something" that might serve as an answer. In fact, by the beginning of January I was in an awful hospital gown counting down as the surgeon began to remove the mass they had found.
The surgery went smoothly, but my body had a difficult time waking up after the anesthesia. In fact, after making it home I was back in the doctor's office taking care of minor complications that couldn't have been predicted. I thank the good Lord that the issues unraveled the way they did as He continued to provide for me and take care of my body-even under the doctor's own mistakes and allow us the finances to pay off the measly $4300+ it cost us.
The last year I have lived hopeful that all was solved and I was going to finally live the life I had dreamt of.
Pain? What's that?
Nagging symptoms? Non-existent.
A new job, wrapping up my final studies to obtain my certification, trainings and new opportunities-the year was filled with blessings.
However, January 2013 brought another unexpected turn. The symptoms I thought were in the past were sneaking back into my life. In denial, I waited until March before finally going to the doctor. This time, the physician that was previously hopeful and wouldn't give up on me had decided there was nothing more she could do.
After speaking with those around me, I finally went to a well renowned specialist in the metro. The PA was amazing and spoke to both my husband and me about the hope that lies ahead. Shining light on that which could be positive, she immediately got me in for testing. Three trips for blood work and one diagnostic center later, I had some clarity. The tests had shown that my body wasn't producing what it should be and may need a little help to do so. On the other hand, there were two more masses where the one had been a year prior. They wanted to schedule surgery as soon as possible to take care of them and another procedure to help one of my organs work properly.
So, here I am. It is three days before my birthday...just a few weeks from our anniversary. A few weeks ago I was planning a trip of a lifetime with my sweet hubby and now I'm planning on putting a down payment on another surgery.
How much will it be this time? I can't help but ask as I watch our savings dwindle even more and the wish of being a mom slip farther away. It's frustrating to think that each time we seem to get one step ahead, we fall two more behind. A penny saved becomes a nickel spent. I often ask God why the journey to our baby girl is such a long one. When others around me spend nine months in preparation for their little one, we spend years. When they are sent a bill when they leave the hospital with their baby in their arms, we must have $30K up front. When others start piggy banks and set up savings accounts, we are breaking into ours and setting up payment plans.
Just as before, I am overwhelmed by the beauty of support God has graced us with:
Physicians to lead us and be used as instruments for God's healing power,
Friends and family to pray for us and lay their hands on our aching hearts,
A Lord that loves us unconditionally and doesn't mind the questioning when we don't understand, and the God of the universe that holds time in His hands and knows all the answers we long to know.
I know in the end, you are so worth it baby Bailey. The struggles and heart aches that we experience now will shape us for tomorrow. Amidst all the pain and frustrations, I am so very blessed with that which I do have-a roof over my head, a full belly, and a family full of love. Your daddy loves me so much and puts up with quite an awful lot of things from me. He listens to my vents and stands beside me to help push me along when I don't always want to do what needs to be done. He is there. Period. He never leaves when things get hard. He teaches me patience and doesn't mind the wait. It makes me realize that I am blessed with the time to wait.
Little one, you are so blessed to have the family I see standing beside me over the years. I cannot wait for you to meet them; but, until we can hold you in our arms we hold you in our hearts and prayers. You are so very loved, and even though your mommy is a little scared about these surgeries, I know it is the right thing to do to get me closer to you.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Day 669
Satan soon found a way to rear his ugly head in our hopes.
Come January, I began to get sick again and things went downhill. For months I went through the same cycle I knew too well. My heart broke as I knew there was nothing I could do on my own to fix me. I began to pray for God to lead me to the physicians that would provide clarity. Then, in March of this year, I was led to a specialist. They poked and prodded, drew blood and measured hormones, sent me to different facilities until they ultimately led me to this day.
April 5th I sat uncomfortable, alone, in a dark room as they examined the possibilities. I thought I was fine, but my body remembered the pain of my past as it shook in fear. It couldn't end fast enough as I was told to get dressed and they would come and get me and my husband momentarily. "I found something," he said.
Not one, but two places were back this time. Not to mention potential damage to one side that could result in removing the tube. "If you were to get pregnant right now, the baby wouldn't survive."
I remember walking out in a daze from that building. My family surrounded me, yet I felt so very alone. No one could understand at that very moment the hurt that overcame me-not even my husband. "We just need to make sure that you're taken care of," he said.
I felt helpless and angry. Emotions consumed me as I continued to mourn the loss of my dreams.
"Why, God? When all I have ever wanted was to be a wife...to be a mom?"
Come January, I began to get sick again and things went downhill. For months I went through the same cycle I knew too well. My heart broke as I knew there was nothing I could do on my own to fix me. I began to pray for God to lead me to the physicians that would provide clarity. Then, in March of this year, I was led to a specialist. They poked and prodded, drew blood and measured hormones, sent me to different facilities until they ultimately led me to this day.
April 5th I sat uncomfortable, alone, in a dark room as they examined the possibilities. I thought I was fine, but my body remembered the pain of my past as it shook in fear. It couldn't end fast enough as I was told to get dressed and they would come and get me and my husband momentarily. "I found something," he said.
Not one, but two places were back this time. Not to mention potential damage to one side that could result in removing the tube. "If you were to get pregnant right now, the baby wouldn't survive."
I remember walking out in a daze from that building. My family surrounded me, yet I felt so very alone. No one could understand at that very moment the hurt that overcame me-not even my husband. "We just need to make sure that you're taken care of," he said.
I felt helpless and angry. Emotions consumed me as I continued to mourn the loss of my dreams.
"Why, God? When all I have ever wanted was to be a wife...to be a mom?"
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