Bye, bye love

After almost a decade of doing the selfless duty of caring for others, I had to say goodbye to my sweet, little car. Her silver paint was like a ray of sunshine on a cloudy day, and her sunroof-a breath of fresh air. She drove me safely from point A to point B every day. She never complained that she didn't get to pick where to go when we traveled, but always let me choose what I wanted to do that day.  She provided a roof over my head and protected me from more storms than I could count. And, when I crossed the wrong person many years ago, she protected me from the pain and took the hit instead of me.

Yes, I have a lot of thank yous to say to my sweet Grand Am. She never caused even a scratch to harm me. She exposed herself to be vulnerable to others-curb after curb(after curb)-never complaining to give her more space when I got her a little too close to others. She never seemed embarrassed that I was with her, and always gave me a positive word when I turned on the radio. Her music comforted me and her seats provided a safe place to rest my head when working three jobs in college.

December 29, 2012 was a page turned that will change our friendship forever. As I turned the same key I had used, all those times before, something was different. Instead of doing what I wanted her to do, she finally put her foot down. At that very moment, I knew that things would never be the same. I could no longer count on her to be there for me when I needed a place to go. I could no longer ask for her help when the weather was too cold to bear. And above else, I could never feel the same safety I felt all those times before. No, my sweet Grandma Lydia was trying to say something that was too hard to swallow. She was trying to tell me 'goodbye'.

As my husband and I drove across town to look for a new car, I was overwhelmed with sadness. How could I possibly give this up?  I don't have to pay for her love, she just gives it.  But a new car?  I must earn that trust all over again, one penny at a time.

I knew from the time I sat in her seats that she wasn't the same, and after speaking to her owner I decided it was too soon to give her up.

Driving home, we decided to take one last look. This time, at a dealership down the street from our house-one I passed weekly. There, from the moment I first saw her, I knew she was the one that was going to start a new chapter in our book. Seeing the price tag on her window was instantly an obstacle, but patiently waiting for a change of heart-her owner decided to take less. It was hard to walk away from the deal, knowing that she could have been the one, but I knew it was one more day with my sweet car and too much to pay for her loyalty.

Just then, as we pulled out of the parking place, something terrifying and wonderful happened. I knew her voice like my own, every squeak and squeal, but this time was different. This time-it was for good. She wouldn't start. She wouldn't move. We begged her to move, but she wouldn't. With tears in my eyes, I cried out, "Please, no. Not now". And, as if by a miracle she heard me.

She started slow but got us home. We took it as a sign to call them back. I knew it would be hard, but worth it in the end; and, I knew it was time for her to go.

December 31, 2012 I traded in my beautiful, silver car for someone else.

Meet my new car:

Pasta Fagiole' and a Sweet, sweet hubby!

There are two things in my life that I cannot seem to get enough of.  No, no. Please don't feel unloved when I carelessly forget to mention the million and one other things that I love more than you could imagine.  However, these two things somehow leave me craving more.

First, I love Olive Garden's pasta fagiole' soup.  I know it sounds silly to put such a strong work like "love" next to something so materialistic; but, if you have ever tasted the yummy goodness that is pasta fagiole' you would agree with me that you must love it. Carrots, celery, pasta and beef- all in a delicious tomato-based soup.  What's not to love?  Therefore, when I get a chance to sit down in a place where I am considered family at their dinner table, I am overjoyed.  Even more, when I get a chance to enjoy a bowl of this goodness with the man that I love more than my own life, I am in the perfect place.

Yesterday was another day at the office. The life of a Family Support Coordinator never slows down. In fact, it seems like time as I know it has managed to speed up since I've been working at F.E. Therefore, when another late night had come and gone, I was anxious to get home.

Just hours prior to leaving the office, I had spoken with the sweet man that took me as his wife. He had been given a very generous offer to enjoy Grandma's famous spaghetti with the family. Knowing how much I enjoy eating with this man, he graciously chose to pass up this opportunity and sacrifice his own stomach, for me. Not only did he delay gratification of filling up his empty belly, but he chose to drive across town to pick up my favorite meal-the soup.

As I walked into the kitchen, tossing my purse on a chair and greeting my husband with a much needed kiss, I spotted the evidence. A large, brown paper bag with words that were music to my growling belly..."Olive Garden". My arms squeezed his neck as I was immediately overcome with happiness. What a surprise?  On a normal Tuesday like this?

The only thing sweeter than the rich bowl of soup that warmed my heart, was the man sitting beside me at a table where we are family. Joined with our three sweet fur babies at our feet, a prayer for our little girl to find her way to our home, and, for no occassion in particular other than selflessly wanting to make me happy, I know that I am blessed.

Hello World

It seems like just yesterday I was crossing that stage, turning my tassel, and tossing my cap as I wondered bright-eyed where I would be in the next five years. It's hard to believe how fast time flies.

Since then, I have managed to make mistakes and grow from there. And after one heartache too many, God allowed me to find the one person that I am blessed to call my husband. The person that sees me just the way I am, totally transparent, and loves me despite my flaws. The person that has watched me change over the years from a naive little girl, into this. Watched me change into me. 

Every night when I lay in bed, I end my day with a goodnight kiss. And, as I wake up each day (after the never-ending routine of hitting the snooze button), I am reminded of all the many blessings that are right at my toes.

Your minute hand never stops, and this gently reminds me that when things are not as I hoped for, that this too shall pass. Your sunlight shines always, unfailing. These beams provide each morning with a ray of hope. Your food nourishes me and gives me strength for each new day. You give me water that quenches my thirst and purifies me, inside-and-out. Your floors have felt my endless steps, the momentum at which I move. Your walls have heard my soft whispers, and protected me during even the worst of storms.

Now, as I sit in awe of Your mercy, I cannot help but thankYou for the life You have given me.  Going on the six months, I have had the honour of calling the heart of Oklahoma my new work home.  The train bellows through directly outside my window.  I can see the skyscrapers as I walk down the bustling streets, and I am officially a regular at a local Greek cafe' just down the street. I am fortunate to be able to call my co-workers friends, and I can finally relax being myself at work.

I meet with couple after couple (after couple) day in, and day out. Sitting in a small office room, I hear problems that make my life sound like that of a queen. I am so blessed to have grown up with the parents I can call momma and daddy.  And, I am blessed to have a second set of parents that raised the very man I love more than anything. Even so, I am so excited to be where I am today.  I have three beautiful fur babies that are officially trained (and able to roam the house at their will all day long). I have an amazing husband that understands how important his acts of service are in my life.  Every day I seem to realize more and more how undeserving I am of the little things I have.

God is so good to provide, and He knew the desires of my heart before there was even a beat. I cannot imagine what my life would be without Him.  Thus, this is the time in my life to start.  When writing my story, I am going to start trusting Him to take the pen.  I will allow Him to provide for our financial burdens and emotional struggles.  He will come through.  Therefore, I am going to stop worrying about tomorrow and focus on today...right now.  I am going to start appreciating where I am.  So, Hello World!  It is nice to meet you!

Baby, It's Cold Outside

This Christmas we were blessed with a beautiful snowfall on Christmas Day while we were at my family's house. I am so, very grateful to work for an employer that cares enough about us to have let us off an entire week for Christmas!  Nestled cozily at my parents', we were able to spend the night at their house until hubby left for work the next day.  Over the past week, the weather has been bitter cold outside. With every video we watch, every blog post we read, and every experience we hear, our love for our future little girl grows more and more.

A couple of nights ago, I was laying in bed after a light snow was dusting our backyard.   The air stung our fingers and noses as we stood outside earlier that evening. As I fell asleep in my husband's arms, all I could do was think about what our little girl might be going through in the few months of her life without us. That, was when it hit me.

Lord, please don't ever let my little girl feel that cold.

With the reality of children living, left abandoned on the streets of China, I cannot imagine my daughter being left outside...for even a minute...in that kind of cold. I pray that her old mommy and daddy will love her enough to provide-to provide a warm place for her to lay her head, and a full belly to nourish her. Oh God, please don't ever let her go hungry.  I pray the nightmares I have never become a reality.  In fact, I pray that she is spoiled with hugs and kisses in those first few months.  I pray that she knows how to smile. Please Lord, bring her to me safely.

Sometimes I feel alone in this battle. I mean, I know people struggle with having their own children everyday; however, everyone grieves differently.  And in reality, it is just that. This is a grieving process. I will experience things that are unique to me. Sitting in an office visit holding another baby at work, may trigger me in a completely different way than someone else that is walking in my shoes. I desire to feel my baby kick from the inside out when I hear about their pregnancies...just to know she is there with me. I pray I get to feel that way someday.  To know that the nausea they complain about is a blessing in disguise rather than a stomach bug. But I know this is not the measure of how you are as a parent. Eating the right diet, avoiding the negative things while you are pregnant does not determine how you will parent this child.  And I solemnly promise to love my little girl more than even her own mother, the one that birthed her, ever will.

So for my future daughter,
   Please do not ever think that I love you any less because you didn't come from my belly.  Always know you have been on my heart and I love you more than even you can imagine. I know I am not rescuing you from a life undeserved, but it is me that is so undeserving of being your mommy.  God is so good and gracious to provide us with merciful gifts out of His unending love.  You, little one, are one of God's greatest blessings in our lives.  We love you so very much, and will never regret you. And, no matter what you experience before you come to my arms, I will do my very best to never let you feel that cold.

Mommy and Daddy

Day 574

From the moment we said "I do", your daddy and I decided that we would start the journey to getting us to you.  Thus, our wedding night became day one of a very long, painful road to have you in our arms. The first year was full of ups and downs. Every month we played the waiting game as we wondered if there would be two pink lines instead of one, a plus sign, anything to indicate you were there.

October of 2011 brought about many questions. After rushing to the doctor from excruciating pain, we didn't know what to think. The doctor wasn't much help as she quickly stopped searching for answers and judged us on the fact that we wanted you so soon. I went to get a second opinion as they began running tests to find answers.  Over the screen appeared a small abnormality. Nothing to be too concerned over, but surgery was essential.

With the holidays around the corner and babies being born around us, we were forced to wait until January for me to undergo the procedure.

The surgery itself went smoothly. Aside from wooziness when waking up, I was able to go home that afternoon. All I seem to remember was sitting at my mom's dinner table (my hand on my head) looking into a bowl of my favorite Olive Garden soup for dinner. I slept off the pain, but awoke to something unexpected.

The anesthesia threw things off and I was forced to go back to the doctor when my body wasn't responding the way it should. It isn't untypical for a person's bladder to stop functioning after a medical surgery so the doctor wasn't alarmed at first.  They decided to put a catheter in and sent me home to try to help things along.

From the moment I arrived back at home, I instantly felt off.  There was a distinct "pins and needles" feeling which caused the panic to overwhelm me. I called my mom immediately as she stated the discomfort should subside and I should get some rest. Unfortunately, the pain worsened over time-so much that there was nothing I could do to make it better. I remember wanting to scream when my mom lifted me from the bed to take me back to the doctor. The tears wouldn't stop and my body shook uncontrollably. Once we arrived to the doctor, I began trying to walk while holding my stomach tight. It was hard to breathe and I couldn't seem to calm down.

As I rounded the corner from the elevator, I instantly discovered that the catheter was around my feet.  At this point, my pride was hurting worse than I was. After discussing the issue with my sister-in-law, I soon learned that the placement of the catheter could have caused permanent damage with what I had just experienced.  Knowing the damage that could have happened if the good Lord hadn't protected me, I was grateful that things turned out the way they did. And, things seemed to just get worse.

With the knowledge that the surgery was just around the corner, we made the decision to take out dual coverage on me at the beginning of that year. Paying over $200 additional a month to have a second insurance plan, we assumed we would be out little to nothing compared to the monstrous amount that was billed. Unfortunately, the bills kept coming and the insurance refused to pay. Over time, we were forced to settle at a total that was more than the original out of pocket amount on my primary insurance plan. Apparently, having a second insurance required both deductibles to be met before they would cover anything. By the time we learned all of this, we were eight months down the road-paying over $1600 for an insurance that didn't pay a dime.

Money always seems to be a factor. Just when we would get ahead, a car would break down, a plumbing issue would come up, or the dogs would get sick.  I took a pay cut to leave a job to go somewhere I just knew would be my dream job.

We continued to pray diligently that God would bless us with a child of our own, and for about eleven months following my surgery, we thought it would be soon. We took everything a day at a time and sat down at every meal and prayed for God to watch over you.

Christmas of 2012 brought more questions as our dreams were once again delayed; however, it was in one beautiful moment on Christmas Eve that the Lord blessed us with clarity of where we were supposed to travel to get to you.

China.

Somewhere halfway across the world held the key to open our hearts as we realized God was calling us to adopt from China.  We didn't know where to begin and slowly researched a little at a time to find out what needed to be done first. 

Obstacles began arising from the very moment we pulled up the requirements online:
1)Both parents must be at least 30 years of age.
"What, we are years away from bringing our little girl home."

2)There is an estimated total of $30K.
"HOW MUCH? There is no way we can afford that."

3)Children must be a minimum of 10months prior to going into the referral process.
"But...we can't have children of our own and yet I'm supposed to give up the most important time of her life when she forms attachments and learns to love?"

Thus, I instantly grew a place in my heart for you. The way you would look, your personality, and your name were constantly on my mind. I couldn't wait to meet you, yet I knew that God would lead us to you in His perfect timing. I began thinking of nursery themes and how big you would be when you came home. I started to wonder if this was all part of God's plan. Now that we decided to bring you into our family, would we have a big brother or sister for you sooner? 

Time Changes Everything

It's amazing how quickly time flies by when you sit down and actually think about it.  When I got on my blog today, I was a little shocked that my last post stated 2011.  "That can't be right," I instantly thought as I started scrolling down to see if it was a typo.  Sure enough, it has been over a year since the last time I sat down in front of a computer screen and put my thoughts into words. My how much has happened.

 Since August of 2011, a lot has happened.  It is difficult to think back to what all the world has missed from our tedious lives.  Towards the end of 2011, we were blessed with the youngest addition to our sweet little family.  Ellington Louise (Elloise for short) fits in just perfectly with her our other two fur babies.  Elloise has had a tough start to her young life, being found beside the street in the heart of OKC she was picked up and loved by her foster parents in Edmond, OK.  From the very first time I saw her big brown eyes on a post from a rescue website, I fell in love with her. My sweet hubby has been wanting another pup ever since we had to say goodbye to our 3 year old boxer due to leukemia.  Not ready to have a third mouth to feed, I wasn't even looking to have another dog around.  God, on the other hand, had a different plan.  Elloise is a beautiful, fawn colored boxer that was nothing but skin and bones when she was rescued.  When we first met her, she instantly came up to me.  I didn't want to leave her!  We gave her foster family one more night with her and tears were shed from the kiddos when we finally picked her up.  How hard that must have been for them!  We are very fortunate that they were able to open up their hearts and home to take care of her as if she would be with them forever.  Thankfully, we are the ones she gets to come home to and we couldn't feel more blessed.

Speaking of coming home, our house is becoming a home with real walls, paint, and the most beautiful wood floors I've ever laid eyes on. The scratches on the surface tell the stories of the times we get to play with our sweet pups and allow ourselves to actually live in our house. Hubby has done such a great job remodeling everything in our house, and we officially have a kitchen. Not just any kitchen, however, we have the most perfect kitchen complete with a pink Kitchenaid mixer. The very mixer that has made several desserts over the last few months to celebrate some very special birthdays.

One birthday cake in particular would be that of our sweet little nephew.  September of 2011 our little Krew Boo turned a year old...and now he's a toddler!  It's hard to believe that he has gone from a baby bump on my adorable sister-in-law to a little man. And boy is he a daddy's boy! Although it took some time for him to warm up, he is finally coming around and loves on me anytime I am near.  We are officially named "uncle" and "aunt B".  I hope he never outgrows that! 

I remember like it was yesterday when my precious niece Zoie was going around calling me "Bitty".  Can't they just stay that way forever!?  I know, I know.  They will grow up, just like we have over the years.  To think, Zoie is already six years old, teeth missing and all!

Speaking of missing teeth.  It's been a few years since my toothless incident, but last Christmas was full of more blessings with family and friends, and this year we cannot begin to express the appreciation we have for each of our loved ones.  We are given a roof over our heads, a warm bed to lay our heads, and full bellies.  Not to mention full hearts and an overabundance of our wants as well as our needs.  This year we were able to see my greats (my Papaw's siblings), my grands (both sets of grandparents), and our immediate families.  It was so great to spend Christmas Eve with everyone again.  All of the cousins in one house with enough food to feed an army, it felt just like it should. Then, we were able to go to Christmas Eve service at our hometown church.  It is so nice to have come from the same church so that both my parents and in-laws and siblings can all spend time together.  After church, we opening presents with the little ones at my husband's parents'.  Krew just loved his little glowing turtle we got him!  He is so smart, too!  Wrapping up the evening, we headed back to my parents' house to make our bed (consisting of blankets and pillows on the living room floor) just in time for Santa. 

How wonderful that we were all together for a white Christmas Day!  Oh, I forgot to mention just who "we all" are.  This past year we have added one more special person to the third row of the car.  My big sister finally met the man we have been praying for. After years of heartaches and disappointments, she finally met the person that would take care of her heart.  And, after months of dating, I am happy to say this man will soon be my big brother.  Yes, my big sister is finally getting married.  More than that, my precious niece is finally getting the daddy she has always deserved. After her Mr. Right purchased the beautiful diamond ring, we had the honor of hiding out in the trees of downtown OKC to photograph the entire engagement. Sometimes I wonder which one of us had more happy tears.

So this year, when "we" all got together it was extra special for each of us.  Birthday parties, soccer games, the pumpkin patch or day trips, caroling in the car singing along to Michael Buble' to see the Christmas lights, and family dinners are just a few of the things I will never forget.

In fact, it's amazing how many things happened this year that I can recall as I type this.  The birth of my best friend's baby (that requires a post all of its own), our first anniversary, a brand new job, and the life changing decision for our family to become adoptive parents.  Which leads me to this post. 

This year has had several ups and downs, with more blessings than I could ever account for.  However, the biggest down we have faced is the heart wrenching disappointment that has come from personal fertility struggles. 

From the time we first started dating, my husband was different than any other person I had ever known. He was older, more mature and anxious to have a family together.  After knowing each other for more than twenty years, he knew what he was getting himself into...and he wanted me. We knew the second he slipped that ring onto my little finger we wanted to start a family.  Then, came the disappointment.

After having surgery at the beginning of this year, our family has been faced with the constant battle of praying each month will be different.  Now, let me say this disclaimer.  We need a child in our house like we need a hole in our head.  With me in my early twenties, fresh out of college with a big girl job in my field, I know there is still time left before having a child.  And,with hubby in a dead end job looking at going back to school and remodeling a home, we may not be in the best place financially to have another human mouth to feed.  However, we both want so badly to be parents and we could certainly do it. And, I deeply believe that money is the last thing you should consider when you are following God's plan for your life. 

Seeing the way my husband looks at our nieces and nephew makes me love him more.  It shows me just a glimpse of how he will be as a father.  And let me say this, he will be the best daddy any child could ever ask for.  But, something that should come so easily, so natural--doesn't.  The one thing that should just happen--doesn't.   I cannot give my husband the very thing he desires, and that. just. hurts.  Even more, after years of studying for my degree learning every miraculous thing that goes on through an infant's development, every precious thing a mom gets to feel, every change she experiences...the thought makes me ache.

So here I am. 

As much as I would love to pour my heart and soul out sharing every frustration that comes from not being able to have a child of my very own, I won't.  And as much as I would like to scream at the top of my lungs to each and every one of my friends or strangers that have been blessed with one or more children that they are the luckiest people in the world...and to never to take their children (or pregnancy) for granted, I will resist the temptation.  Instead, I want to start this blog for my children.  So that one day they may look back and know how very, very  much they were loved.  They were loved so much so, that they were thought of and prayed for for years before they were even in existence.  They were cried for, longed for, and hoped for every single day from their parents.  And, most importantly, that no matter how they came to be a part of our family, they are ours.  YOU, my precious child, are our baby.

How very scary it is to think about the journey that lies ahead of us to get to you.  Your daddy told me that he wanted to bring you home to us all the way from China.  China is very far away from the United States, and we don't know what you will experience while you are there or how long it will be until we get to see you.  I do know that you had a mommy and daddy before you had us.  They loved you so, very much that they were able to choose to have you rather than harm you.  And, although I never felt you in my tummy like she did, this mommy grew you in her heart for much longer than you could imagine.  I have dreamt of you since I was a little girl. I have thought about braiding your hair and dressing you up when I was playing dress-up myself. I could go broke buying you all of the beautiful things they have for little girls here.  And, I promise that we will try very hard so that you may have things like these. But baby girl, you need to know that none of those pretty things make up who you are as a person.  In fact, they don't even make up your beauty.  God loves you so much and gave you the opportunity to choose the person you want to be.  It is up to you to choose what is right and wrong. Mommy, Daddy and God will all love you in a way that is unconditional.  This means that no matter what choices you make, you will still be our little girl. However, the beauty that you will desperately search for as all little girls do comes from within.  It comes from the decisions you make and how you live your life to glorify God.  He has given us a very special and important role in your life.  He has given you to us so that we may teach you about Him.  He knew you before you were even placed into your old mommy's tummy.  He knew you before even I was born (which was a very long time ago).  He knows you right now as you are when I am sitting in a room half a world away thinking about you.  Our hearts hurt waiting for you and we wish we could hold you in our arms right now, but God also has perfect timing.  He has a plan that is bigger than any of the things you will ever dream about.  So, always remember that He knows best.  I too must remember this as it isn't always easy to think when you don't get your way.  I'm not perfect, but God is.  And, we promise to be the best parents we could be.  We love you and long for you.

Love,
Mommy and Daddy

Our Fairytale

Over the years, I have come to realize more than ever that life changes. The plans, goals and hopes for your future may come to an abrupt hault at any given moment. It is in those life altering moments that we find ourselves, and in some cases, our very own love story.

Back in the day, I was that girl. You know-valedictorian, the high school's "Most Humanitarian", never see me without a smile on my face, every guy's "little sister"-that girl. But in time something changed. The innocence that I held so dear was crushed when something, or rather someone, came into my life.

The loss of your first love stings, bad. And, believe it or not, the loss of each one following hurts just as much. Time and time again, I found myself searching, hoping, praying for my prince to find his way into my life. Each time I gave everything I had to offer, fully committed. So much so, that I was four months away from walking down the alter to the man i believed to be "the one". However, somehow God provided me with a way out (sometimes against my will, accompanied by a lot of tears) protecting my heart until my real Fairytale could be written.

I remember when I was a little girl, I dreamt of the day that my prince charming would show up in my life and sweep me away from my village and into his own castle. Over time, I realized how sad I would be if I had to leave the kingdom I had come to love. Thus, God gave me the amazing gift of hometown love. On January 24, 2009 something magical happened. Twenty-two years of living within miles of one another, my prince finally took the right turn and so did I.

After weeks of a very persistent (and very handsome) boy asking to take me out, I let him. Reluctant at first, I slowly began to open my heart. Within months this boy that I had known my entire life unfolded into the man I love, and when he looked me in the eyes and said the same three words I had heard so many times before, I believed him.