Today...the Unthinkable happened

Okay, so I guess it really wasn't unthinkable...because I had already thought about it. Today I realized he had moved on. This isn't something new or upsetting in itself. You see, I WANTED him to be happy. I WANTED him to find someone a million times better than what I had been to him. However, it was with the one person that allowed me to feel the most vulnerable I have ever felt.

I remember sitting in his parents' living room floor a year or so ago. We were talking about his life growing up...prom, graduation, basic training. That's when it first started. "We always thought he would marry her."

Wait.

Back up.

Who is her you are asking?

Well, to make a long-story short...she was his best friend growing up. He was also madly in love with her off-and-on for years throughout middle school and high school. He had never had the right timing, and they just never saw eye-to-eye on a relationship.

Okay.

Continue.

So as I was saying...that was when the doubts began. For two years I listened to constant reminders of who she was. She was a Godly, Christian woman. She was highly involved in...well...everything. She constantly looked for ways to put herself out there, and she was just like me.

But...the difference was...she stayed the same.

College brought out a multitude of changes in my life. One heartbreak too many left me standing dazed and confused without direction. I was apathetic about my own life because of the struggles I had encountered. That was when we started dating. He was my rescuer. He pulled me up and held me close. I felt safe and didn't need anyone else in my life.

Okay...so I realize I really DID need others...but it took a while to figure that out.

Anyway, that was how we fell head over heels for one another. In the end, I listened to everything about her constantly. He spent New Year's Eve with her before I came along. They went on church trips together before I came along. They always talked and hung out before I came along. I was constantly compared to her. Do you know how it feels to question yourself daily in a relationship? Do you know what it is like to continually have to ask yourself if he really loves you and not her? Do you know how awful it is to hear him reassure you over and over...and over...and over that he would never date her. To hear that she isn't his type anymore. To hear that she is too dramatic, too different, too...everything...for him.

But

I doubted.

She was the only person I ever doubted him with. No, I trusted him with her. I knew he wouldn't betray me. I knew he loved me. I knew the ring was on my finger and he was marrying me.

But

That wasn't enough in the end. I felt this deep calling in the core of my being that I would never amount to enough. I wasn't her. I tried EVERYTHING to make that relationship work. I invested my heart, my body, my soul, my being, my finances, my future hopes and dreams, and most importantly...my time.

I waited patiently...

...loyally...

...faithfully...

...prayerfully...

...hopefully.

I waited for him to return safely to be the man I had fallen in love with.

But

He was gone, and I was no longer the one he wanted. Somehow I felt like he wanted her. No one believed me. No one understood where I was coming from.

But

He called off the wedding, and I took my heart with me. I managed to pick myself up off the ground and walk away. I lifted my head when the tears subsided and dedicated my heart to remain loyal. I didn't talk negatively about him. I didn't yell at him. I didn't blame him or try to hurt him. I gave him his space and moved on.

No, I don't long to have him back in my heart. I rather not hold onto something that isn't supposed to be. He and I both knew that when we parted. However, I will forever mourn a part of me.

Just like I mourn the little girl that trusted everything to my Momma and Daddy to take care of me.

Just like I mourn the girl that thought scraped knees were the worst of life's hard-learned lessons.

Just like I mourn the teenager that held onto every ounce of innocence for dear life.

Just like I mourn the graduate that walked across the stage with a light in her eyes for her unknown future.

I mourn the young woman that fell in love with a man that she made a promise to.

Today I realized he had always been in love with her...and for a moment my heart hurt. I don't wish to be dependent on my family for all of my life or unaware of the realities of this world. I don't want to take back every experience that has made me who I am or look out as if everything is perfect. I don't want to be married to a man that makes me wonder if I am good enough for them...

I just hurt for the pain that comes from the betrayal felt. The memories flood back. I wanted to think the best of him. I wanted to know that there was never any doubt from him during the duration of that waiting season of my life. It's an awful price to pay when you have to shed your optimism for reality. I allowed him to make the decision to let us go...I respected it, and am blessed. The Lord is faithful to provide when we are at our weakest. He builds you up higher than you were before, and I would never take back what I have gained these past few months. What I felt was a set-back in my life was a set-up in God's will for my life.

It's just hurtful when you realize what you felt was a lie to someone.

And...

The truth is...

...now I know I was right.

I Have Needs and Wants...

This is me. Please do not expect me to change.

Life is more important than money.

Finances worry me. Please protect my fears...save your money and don't complain. Do not spend more than you make. Value what you are blessed to have.

Communication is crucial

Do not disrespect me and put me down.

Value my emotions.

Talk about problems without criticizing who I am.

Do not be defensive in arguments It isn't about you, it is the issue at hand.

We will talk. Do not push me away. Care about me.

Stonewalling your emotions is too close to apathy...the most dangerous feeling to have.

Compromises must be made. It isn't about "winning an argument". It isn't about "giving in". It is about caring enough to work at it.

It takes two...two must talk, care, and do...that means both of us.

I know my mistakes, please do not remind me.

I love to do things for you. I only expect appreciation and love in return.

Be your best self. (Who God made you to be)

Try to understand me.

Show me that you love me.

Tell me you love me.

Treat me better than my father would. Protect my heart, soul, body, and purity.

Know your goals and reach for them.

Control your temper and learn self-control.

Guard your heart and mine.

Be careful what you look at.

Have realistic expectations towards me and who I can be. Appreciate my strengths. Compliment me and mean it.

Remember the little things.

I love flowers, rain, and candles.

Let me take pictures...whenever I can.

There are just some things in life that make it worthwhile...

...like best friends.

I am so, So, SO blessed to have some of the most amazing people in my life that I can call my friends. First and foremost, I think it is beyond obvious that I madly, deeply care about the "Mr." in the majority of my recent blogs (and thoughts). Honestly, he is amazing. Sure...we have our ups and downs...and deeper downs. However, he has somehow managed to lasso this little heart of mine into his life. I cannot believe I have known this handsome guy for over twenty years and had yet to date him. What was I thinking?

Secondly, I just have to say a HUGE 'thank you' to the most amazing couple in the world. The future Worleys are pretty much two of the most sincere people I have met. I would never have made it through all the heartache of the past two years without them.

Miss T. you are my twin, and I adore you.

Enough of the sappiness! I had a WONDERFUL time with these three people today. We rose bright and early to make it out to one of my favorite places of all time...

...Do you know where it was?

...Are you still guessing?

...Give up yet?

THE ZOO! Seriously, who wouldn't love looking at some of the coolest animals on the planet that you would never be able to spot otherwise...like a giraffe! Have you SEEN how TALL they are? Moments like these make life worthwhile.

A Mirror's So Much Harder to Hold

You could stay awhile longer
We could stay up and talk about last summer
We could go down to the water
Watch the sunset going under

It's not that I'm a stranger to lonely moments
I've had my share of those

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror's so much harder to hold

I could try and point the finger
But the glass points in my direction
Sure you've got your sharp edges
But my wounds are from my own reflection

You've got nothing I could ever hold against you
I got fatal flaws to call my own

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold

I met a man who's looking for perfection
Said he never met a girl who's good enough
His eyes are getting old, like they'd love to love again
Such a lonely man, such a lonely man

I see him in my reflection
Taking steps towards me these days
So I hold you that much closer
And pray we don't throw this away

It's not that I'm a man who couldn't love you
I know what these arms are for

Please don't go, please don't leave me alone
A mirror is so much harder to hold
Please don't go, please don't leave me cold

A mirror is so much harder to hold

Don't Walk, Run

Put one foot in front of the other
Slowly walking
A light changes, bringing a sense of urgency
The world stops for no one
Run

Winds can pick up instantly
Sunshine is shadowed with darkness
Just like the thunder...the lightning you loved so much
Just as quickly as you came...you're gone

It was a simple smile from a quiet boy
Your mood always seemed so gray
But deep inside
I saw straight through
My Sunshine you became

We sat and learned in spaces shared
Worlds apart we stood
I was different than you
Outgoing, true
But we were more alike than you knew
Alone

Over the years I gave parts of me
My words...my heart...myself
Losing that innocence I longed for so much
It slipped away with time

But...
There you were
Always in the background
Always by my side
You watched me get trampled on
You watched me get hurt
You watched from a distance until I ran to you

I needed you to depend on
To lean on
To walk to
I longed for all you offered-forever
But I pushed you away and I ran

I ran until the day I let myself care
I reached out to you
Stop
You held me
The warmth surprisingly felt different than the closeness I had known before
You gave me a safe place
But...
I turned around and walked away

One more heartbreak
Another piece of me torn away
He was a stranger to me
Someone I barely knew
And as my world moved forward with him
Stop
I ran to you

The cap was thrown

We looked out to a time of new beginnings

In our first embrace on a special day

But it was then that I walked away to him

You were always a phone call away

I knew I could call you any time of day

I shared my heart, my soul, my pain

You picked me up off of the ground

I found shelter in the palm of your hand

The tears were replaced with laughter

Don't walk, run to me

Our worlds suddenly shifted

We jumped off the cliff

The water was too deep

You were too far to reach...to hear

We were in over our heads

We were angry

The tide was pulling us different ways

You reached for someone close

I clung to him

I thought he brought me my future

We gave ourselves so quickly

You walked away from her

But I was with him

Somehow we managed to find each other

We were different...changed

Moving forward in this fast-paced thing called life

Planning ahead to go our separate ways

All the while-our friendship remained

Slowly, we ran our marathon together

Then one night beneath the stars

The hidden feelings were revealed

We talked and walked along the sand

I opened my heart

You reached out your hand

But instead...I turned

My tears hit the ground

And just as the waves washed them away

My heart ached inside

I had to be loyal
I had to be strong

I simply...walked away

Days apart turned to weeks

Weeks apart became months

Seasons and plans changed

My heart remained on that beach

Under those stars

It was easy to call you

Easy to want you

Easy to run to your arms

A long drive with thoughts racing

My heart pounded out of my chest

I was finally where I needed to be

It was you-just you

But...I wasn't ready

I was scared to give into my wants, my dreams

To have everything I wanted with you

Everything I knew you would be to me

To have you, to have us-finally

My heart was healing

I was grieving

I was trying to move on

I knew it was up to me to say yes

I was the one to tell my heart to move forward

Get on with my life

Stop

He was here

He asked for a change

Why not?
I always had before

Daily he proved I could go on

You-always a thought in my mind-were there

I can't hurt you

I don't deserve you

I don't trust myself with your love

I knew what could be would be perfect

I knew you would forever be true

I knew you were the person I should have been with from day one

The person I should have waited for

But...I was used and thrown away

I regretted who I was every day

I gave into the person standing before me

Someone I could see wanting me

Someone with bumps and bruises from hurts along the way

Someone who wasn't you

I know now that it's harder

It's so much harder without you

They don't know me the way you did

They don't treat me like you did

You were my best friend

The only person I could count on being there for me

The only person that remained loyal

You showed me true love

You showed me how to care for a person...no matter what

Like petals falling

Wilting

The storms of the years are closing in

I'm beaten and used

The rain pushed me down

I wanted to be different

So pure...desired...lily white

I've had the rain

Lord,

Please bring in the Sunshine